Life is Fun. Life is Hard. Life is a Miracle.

I missed my baby today.  I have missed my baby a lot over the past several weeks.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears every quiet moment.  When I first posted about my miscarriage, I really felt like I was in a good place.  Being open about it really helped my initial process of what had just happened.  Little did I know just how much hope I had in the fact that my pregnancy status would soon change. But it has not.  Alas, I have taken 5 pregnancy tests, and then within days, that blasted cycle comes.  This last one left me crying in the shower until all of the hot water ran out, then I waited for my sweet husband to fall asleep and I cried some more.  

I had just found out about a sweet friend losing her sweet little one just a week before.  She had been so helpful to me after my miscarriage.  She had had one recently as well, and when she got pregnant again, although I was a tad jealous, I was so happy for her since she had just recently lost a baby as well.   Then to see her go through the pain of losing another one, that just tipped me over the edge.  She didn't deserve that kind of pain.  It made mine feel obsolete.  So I hid.  I hated myself for feeling sorry for myself.  

Another friend had lost her baby further along in pregnancy as well, we had close due dates, but her baby died after mine did, and even after they found out what they were having.  It was heartbreaking.

So many of my friends are losing babies.  And so many more are having them.  And right now, right in this moment, I am so terribly aware of it all. I just don't want to be.

I miss the cute little baby we were going to have.  I miss that we would have had a name mostly picked out by now. We would be welcoming that sweet little baby into the world any day now.  My amazing kids pray for my belly to get better so a new baby can get in there.  Little do they know that my belly is fine, but there still is no baby... or maybe it is me that doesn't know. Maybe it isn't fine, and my little angels are trying to tell me something.  Who knows.

All I know is that for the next week or so, my smile may be a little more forced, my mind a little distracted, and my tears waiting for a quiet moment.  

This is how it is to be a woman who has lost a baby in utero.  This is what it is like to yearn for the baby that once was.  

Then there is that sacred time that only happens between Husband and Wife....  you know what I am talking about.  And the constant pang of guilt that comes immediately after...  Did it work this time? Am I just going to be disappointed again in a couple weeks?  Why do I even feel bad? This was supposed to be OUR moment, I am getting distracted...  This isn't the time to think about this.  It takes years for some women, and fertility for others, why am I even sad right now?!  This isn't fair to my husband, get back in the moment... be there for him. ... Such a tangle of thoughts....    

Then there are the days that I get frustrated at my children and then wonder why I am still sad.  Isn't it clear I am not cut out for this??  I fail every other day at being patient with my children... sometimes every day.  

Then there are blissful days that I have full faith in my Savior, I feel strong, like I can tackle anything.  Like I KNOW there is a reason for everything, and I am humble and thankful for all that I do have.  

There is nothing like the pain of losing a baby, no matter when the loss happened.  The earlier the loss, the harder it is to identify the pain.  The later the loss, the harder it is for people to talk to you about it.  Sure some people had more time to get used to the idea of having a baby around, but it is still hard!  Some people have more post partum body to show for it, but it is still hard!  Some people have had this happen more than once, but it is still hard!  

Life with my 4 kids is the best busy I will ever experience in this life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love how full my hands are, and I love those sweet faces that smile at me every day.  They are miracles, all 5 of them.  And one day we will know why number 5 didn't have to endure the pains of this life with us.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has helped me cherish all that I have gained as a mother.  Something changed in me.  I have been able to let go of more, and cherish more of what I have.  I have been able to see my children as the individuals they are, and find joy in motherhood in ways I never knew possible.  I have been able to see past things that would have held me up in the past.  I have gained a more intimate knowledge of Christ's Atonement.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has taught me a great deal about Faith in God.  Trust in the Lord. Endure to the end.  "Be ^apatient in ^bafflictions, for thou shalt have many; but ^cendure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the ^dend of thy days." D&C 24:8

I know this isn't one of those 'BIG' afflictions.  Not like losing someone you have been in this mortal life with.   I still have my husband and children to hold.  I am much more grateful that my 'hard' in life is just learning how to stay sane on this mortal journey.  I also know that it is OK to be sad even if  it doesn't feel as hard or as big as someone else's hard or big.  

So that is me right now. A little happy, a little sad, a little bit of a mess, a little more chill, and just a little bit ready to get past this moment in time and welcome a new little baby into the world.  This time, for keeps, OK?

Lacy Anne

I will write an awesome post on the family blog about her labor and delivery, but right now I'm just enjoying this sweet new addition to our family.  Miss Lacy finally decided to join us on July 25th, and I'm so glad she did :) 

We are so grateful there were no complications and we were able to go home the next day. I was sad that circumstances didn't allow us to have her at home, but grateful for the comforting power of the priesthood, the spirit, prayer and faith. 

Today I was recalling to Spencer how differently this new baby is being treated in comparison to our first. As chill as we tried to be as first time parents, we let popular opinion and beliefs on how to raise children cloud our instincts. With each new addition we stray further and further away from books and reviews and rely far more heavily on the spirit, scriptures and faith. 

I remember being so paranoid about getting it all wrong. I was worried I would ruin my children if I didn't follow the 'rules' in teaching them independence. We went from structured time of holding and bonding with our baby to pretty much wearing or holding our babies whenever they need/want (except at the stove or when it's not possible). We tried to structure how grandparents got involved, and now, the grandparent disruption from routine is now part of the routine.  We used to stress about the tiniest inconvenience to the nap and bedtime schedule, and now we are like, meh, whatevs. 

I remember reading about how we needed to detach our children ASAP to ensure their independence. I remember reading about how important it was for me to maintain my own identity. Which brings me to my ultimate realization, my babies ARE my identity. My passions and hobbies are all a PART of who I am, and I know there are things I need to be solely my own for sanity purposes, but as far as my identity crisis is concerned, it's over.

Because this right here, is who I am.