Life is Fun. Life is Hard. Life is a Miracle.

I missed my baby today.  I have missed my baby a lot over the past several weeks.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears every quiet moment.  When I first posted about my miscarriage, I really felt like I was in a good place.  Being open about it really helped my initial process of what had just happened.  Little did I know just how much hope I had in the fact that my pregnancy status would soon change. But it has not.  Alas, I have taken 5 pregnancy tests, and then within days, that blasted cycle comes.  This last one left me crying in the shower until all of the hot water ran out, then I waited for my sweet husband to fall asleep and I cried some more.  

I had just found out about a sweet friend losing her sweet little one just a week before.  She had been so helpful to me after my miscarriage.  She had had one recently as well, and when she got pregnant again, although I was a tad jealous, I was so happy for her since she had just recently lost a baby as well.   Then to see her go through the pain of losing another one, that just tipped me over the edge.  She didn't deserve that kind of pain.  It made mine feel obsolete.  So I hid.  I hated myself for feeling sorry for myself.  

Another friend had lost her baby further along in pregnancy as well, we had close due dates, but her baby died after mine did, and even after they found out what they were having.  It was heartbreaking.

So many of my friends are losing babies.  And so many more are having them.  And right now, right in this moment, I am so terribly aware of it all. I just don't want to be.

I miss the cute little baby we were going to have.  I miss that we would have had a name mostly picked out by now. We would be welcoming that sweet little baby into the world any day now.  My amazing kids pray for my belly to get better so a new baby can get in there.  Little do they know that my belly is fine, but there still is no baby... or maybe it is me that doesn't know. Maybe it isn't fine, and my little angels are trying to tell me something.  Who knows.

All I know is that for the next week or so, my smile may be a little more forced, my mind a little distracted, and my tears waiting for a quiet moment.  

This is how it is to be a woman who has lost a baby in utero.  This is what it is like to yearn for the baby that once was.  

Then there is that sacred time that only happens between Husband and Wife....  you know what I am talking about.  And the constant pang of guilt that comes immediately after...  Did it work this time? Am I just going to be disappointed again in a couple weeks?  Why do I even feel bad? This was supposed to be OUR moment, I am getting distracted...  This isn't the time to think about this.  It takes years for some women, and fertility for others, why am I even sad right now?!  This isn't fair to my husband, get back in the moment... be there for him. ... Such a tangle of thoughts....    

Then there are the days that I get frustrated at my children and then wonder why I am still sad.  Isn't it clear I am not cut out for this??  I fail every other day at being patient with my children... sometimes every day.  

Then there are blissful days that I have full faith in my Savior, I feel strong, like I can tackle anything.  Like I KNOW there is a reason for everything, and I am humble and thankful for all that I do have.  

There is nothing like the pain of losing a baby, no matter when the loss happened.  The earlier the loss, the harder it is to identify the pain.  The later the loss, the harder it is for people to talk to you about it.  Sure some people had more time to get used to the idea of having a baby around, but it is still hard!  Some people have more post partum body to show for it, but it is still hard!  Some people have had this happen more than once, but it is still hard!  

Life with my 4 kids is the best busy I will ever experience in this life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love how full my hands are, and I love those sweet faces that smile at me every day.  They are miracles, all 5 of them.  And one day we will know why number 5 didn't have to endure the pains of this life with us.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has helped me cherish all that I have gained as a mother.  Something changed in me.  I have been able to let go of more, and cherish more of what I have.  I have been able to see my children as the individuals they are, and find joy in motherhood in ways I never knew possible.  I have been able to see past things that would have held me up in the past.  I have gained a more intimate knowledge of Christ's Atonement.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has taught me a great deal about Faith in God.  Trust in the Lord. Endure to the end.  "Be ^apatient in ^bafflictions, for thou shalt have many; but ^cendure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the ^dend of thy days." D&C 24:8

I know this isn't one of those 'BIG' afflictions.  Not like losing someone you have been in this mortal life with.   I still have my husband and children to hold.  I am much more grateful that my 'hard' in life is just learning how to stay sane on this mortal journey.  I also know that it is OK to be sad even if  it doesn't feel as hard or as big as someone else's hard or big.  

So that is me right now. A little happy, a little sad, a little bit of a mess, a little more chill, and just a little bit ready to get past this moment in time and welcome a new little baby into the world.  This time, for keeps, OK?

Lessons I Learn as a Young, Mormon Mom 007

Disclaimer:  There is mention of blood and feminine related problems.  Be warned before you read on!  This is most definitely a TMI post.  

Lesson 7: Life is a miracle.  And it is to be cherished when successful, and mourned when lost.

The past 10 days have been the hardest ones of my life.  When I get to what happened you may have thoughts of confusion, perhaps you'll think it is silly.  How can this be the hardest, most distressing thing ever?  I promise that everyone who has been through what I have been through and worse, will understand. 

On May 18th, 2014 I began the process of miscarrying our 5th baby.  We hadn't announced that we were expecting, and weren't planning to until we found out what we were having, or until people just figured it out.  We were SO excited to be having another little one to add to the bunch.  We were starting to really settle into our little family life, and I finally figured out just how much joy there is in motherhood, enough so, that I finally began feeling fulfilled in my role.  All the while, my husband and I kept this wonderful news to ourselves, at least, we tried, but it would not matter.

I remember the thoughts I had as I started bleeding, I wanted so desperately for it to go back in where it belonged.  I didn't want this to be happening.  I knew what was happening, but I still prayed for a miracle.  I went to a midwife friend and she couldn't find a heart beat.  Spencer gave me a blessing, and it was vague but I was promised that my body would do what it needed to do. I went to a Dr. the next day and she did an ultrasound that confirmed that our little bean was no longer with us. No longer 'progressing' is what the doctors say.  And as much as I love how sensitive she was, it was all a matter of fact.  At least she did say it was a baby.  And our baby had stopped progressing around 9 or 10 weeks gestation.  I was supposed to be between 12 and 14, so there was cause for minor concern, but we weren't positive how far along I was either, so we decided to give my body time to do what it needed to do.  

Walking out of the Dr.'s office was the hardest 5 minutes of my life.  All I heard after the confirmation that I was indeed miscarrying was a version of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to me.  All I could think of was that sweet little baby that was no longer with me.  All the dreams and plans Spencer and I were making to welcome this sweet little one into our family.  We had been talking about it for 7 weeks at this point.  The morning before I started bleeding we were making plans of how to tell our kids.  We were deciding when and how to tell our friends and family.  We were deciding how the school year would go so we could take time to adjust to the new addition. We were discussing names.  We were dreaming about how much our kids would love being so close.  Spencer was proud, and I was too.  We were having another baby.  The excitement was overwhelming at times.  I am not sure why I was most excited this time around, perhaps it was because I finally felt like a mom.  I am finally enjoying this phase of my life for what it is, and no longer stressed about what it isn't.  My kids are everything to me.  And I finally understand that I am more than everything to them. At least, I understand it as far as my life experience allows.  

I called my mom on the way to the car.  I cried.  My baby had died, that is what it felt like to me.  I was a mess.  We took our kids over to my parents, and my dad gave me a hug, and I cried some more.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I couldn't believe some people actually do this on purpose.  Somehow the knowledge that some people electively terminate pregnancies made it difficult for me to acknowledge just how empty I felt.  Am I over-reacting? I was torn between, 'oh it's not that serious, you were only in your first trimester,' and 'you just lost your unborn child, your baby died, and it's ok to cry.'

Spencer and I went to dinner with our nearly 10 month old, Lacy.  And we ate crap, because we felt like crap.  I was so grateful he came to the Dr. with me (thanks to my mom for watching my kids).  I had needed him there.  He is amazing to stay by my side.  He loves our babies. He loved the one we lost.  He was sad too.  We know Heavenly Father is with us through these moments.  We have faith that this little spirit will still grace us with their presence.  Just not yet.  That doesn't take away the void, or the emptiness, or the uncertainty I feel at this moment.  That doesn't take away the pain of the loss we are carrying.  

When we picked up our kids I explained to our 5 year old, Alice, what had happened.  And she understood.  I was amazed.  Never underestimate the understanding of a child, or how their love can carry you through very difficult times.

The next day Spencer went to work, and I started cramping more.  And Alice, our 5 year old, continued to wrap her head around everything in her little mind.  Grandma took the two oldest with her for the afternoon, one of my best friends and her sister came to spend the afternoon and evening with me, and Spencer and I were able to get out of the house with his brother for a bit. It was a glorious distraction.  I needed it to prepare me for the next day. 

The next day Spencer decided to work from home.  That is when the real cramps and contractions hit.  It was horrible.  I felt like I was in labor but worse, because I knew there would be no baby, not because it hurt more.  Actually I compare it more to the after birth pains I felt after my 4th.  The ones I would get while I was nursing.  horrible.  painful.  I could've thrown up.  I started losing clots and bleeding quite a bit more. Then, around 5 pm, I lost so much of everything at once.  And the little tiny baby made it's way out of my body.  Perfectly preserved in the water sac.  And as I held this in my hand, I just lost part of my heart. I was amazed at what my body was in the process of doing, but sad that it had stopped doing it. I called Spencer up and we had a moment where we humbly accepted what had just happened.  He helped me get the bleeding under control and we carefully set our little baby aside.  We wanted to find a quiet moment to really understand what just happened. Impossible to have during dinner time.  So he helped me into the shower, and went back to our 4 littles and checked on me periodically.  I will admit, had I not been so involved with previous deliveries and aware of the amount of blood loss involved, I would have seriously panicked.  I was able to stay calm, and stay sharp.  Skills I learned from having 3 of my 4 without pain meds and one of them at home.  Awareness I gained from asking questions and learning all I could about this process.   

I would describe the bleeding and pain to be similar to that of having a baby, but not anywhere near the same.  I know later miscarriages are far worse.  What I experienced was more like an echo to childbirth.  Emotionally, it was terrible.  

Throughout this past week I have had amazing friends reach out and share their own experiences.  I have had so many acts of kindness performed.  Treats brought. Texts sent. And phone calls.  I haven't had much time to blame myself for anything.  

The Atonement is becoming so clear to me.  Christ is with me during these moments.  It is His love that will fill the void right now.  Only He can fully comfort me at this time (with the help of others of course), and only He knows exactly what I am going through.  

I have many things to be grateful for at this time.  I am grateful that I have 4 beautiful babies to help ease me through this loss.  I am grateful for a husband who fully appreciates how difficult this is for me. I am so grateful for the Gospel that teaches me that if I lose a child in this life, I will still have a chance to raise him/her when Christ comes again.  I am grateful that I am sealed to my husband and children for time and all eternity.  I know we will be together again, if not in this life, then in the next.  I am so in love with my little family.  I am ready for whatever The Lord has in store.  And I will hold my head up high.  I have Faith that what is meant to be, will come to pass.  God is with me through these trials, He is there to lift me up, and I need to let Him do His part.

So to anyone that has suffered loss. May we find peace amidst this trial.  May we feel the warm embrace of a Father in Heaven who is lifting us up to our feet.  May we find the strength to move forward. And along with all of this, it is OK, to mourn the loss, to cry, and to even be a little angry for a little while!

 "Not only does the Atonement of Jesus Christ overcome the effects of the Fall of Adam and make possible the remission of our individual sins and transgressions, but His Atonement also enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities. Most of us know that when we do things wrong and need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives, the Savior has made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. But do we also understand that the Atonement is for faithful men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully? I wonder if we fail to fully acknowledge this strengthening aspect of the Atonement in our lives and mistakenly believe we must carry our load all alone—through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with our obviously limited capacities.

  It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us—not only to guide but also to strengthen and heal us." - Elder David A. Bednar   (Read the whole talk HERE)

Random Bed Rest Post....

So, if we are Facebook friends, you already know that I am stuck on bed rest. I had started a post over a week ago, before all of this started:

I am down to the end!  These are the most painful 6 weeks of the entire pregnancy.  But they all lead to one amazing thing... my baby!  I cannot wait to meet this little one!

I have been reflecting a LOT on what kind of mother I want to be these days.  I am anticipating quite a shift in energy levels once this baby comes.  But I am determined to do better at keeping it together.  And I will make it OK, this time, to have some hard days.  I am getting a bit nervous.  The last two pregnancies I have had a hard time with Post Partum Depression, but I think it is because of all the unnecessary pressure I put on myself to jump right back into 'normal.'  I know I will want that again this time, but I have slowly been shifting my 'normal' to be more of a constant state of flux (that's for those trekkies :).

As long as my main priorities as a wife and mother are met, I know we will be just fine through this transition.

I am constantly being reminded of what matters most.  I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be down the street from my best friend.  Best friends really do make a huge difference in a woman's life, especially mine.  Especially when you are going through the same stage of life at the same time.

I never finished that post, but little did I know that a week later I would start going into labor.  It was pretty scary, and, ironically, started with the last full moon on June 23rd...  coincidence? Maybe.  So for the next week and a half I am going through every herb and oil I can (not all of them are included in the picture), and I am really beginning to enjoy this wonderful view of my neighbors window... Oh well, pretty soon life will pick up again, and I will miss this quiet time.

When my labor initially started, I figured I needed to drink more water... so I was.  For the next two days I felt changes in my body that I wasn't particularly fond of... especially when the baby dropped.  Finally, on Wednesday I call my midwife. She comes, and checks, and puts my on modified bed rest.  Apparently, modified bed rest wasn't enough.  24 hours later, more progress, more contractions, and more stress led to plain old bed rest... I can't even take a shower but every 2-3 days. I can do nothing actually... And if you know me... I don't really make a habit of sitting still... ever.  This is beginning to be a true test of patience, one I never imagined going through.

My pregnancies are highly uneventful, aside from the excessive amounts of back pain due to some chronic lower back issues.  But even still, that isn't entirely uncommon.  So for my body to start going into labor early, threw me off!  I mean I know the month leading up to this was FAR more busy than it probably should have been, but I really did my best not to over do it.  So either I failed, or Lacy is proving to be a little pistol and wants to come at the world full force!

Whatever the reason for this experience, I am drawn to recognize the blessings in all of it.  I keep thinking back to when I was pregnant with Norah (my 2nd), and I started really diving into the world of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I wanted a clear understanding of what 'normal' really was according to a woman's body, not popular opinion or belief.  On this road I have come to some amazing conclusions that despite the joy of a pain free delivery, or one that is pushed along with synthetic hormones, my body is already equipped with everything it needs to bring this child into this world.  Heaven forbid I spend more than 24 hours in labor (as it stands now, I have already spent a week in labor... even if it hasn't hit that real 'active' labor as the medical industry likes to call it, since I am still under 6 cm).  The knowledge I have gained to this point has provided me with so much peace... and trust me I have been plenty afraid and panicked this past week...   I know this little one isn't ready yet!  I keep thinking about how if I was any other woman, I would have taken that fear I felt and checked into the hospital when I first started going into labor.  They would have probably sent me home, but with absolutely no tools, other than taking it easy, to slow my labor down. Actually, I don't even know that they would have even recommended I slow down or take it easy at this point anyway.  In TX, they won't stop labor after 32 weeks. Seeing as I am 35, they would have just let the baby come.  Anyway, the point is, that I know the risks, I know that now is not the time, and despite the fact that Dr's and hospitals can handle a preemie, I don't want a preemie.  I feel so blessed to have been drawn to all of the information that has helped me maintain a mindset to keep this baby IN to the best of my abilities.  And if she still decides to come, fine.  But at least I will KNOW, that I am doing everything in MY power to make sure she is the healthiest baby possible!

It is amazing how The Lord will expose us to the information we need for a trial or obstacle, before we will need it.  As long as we do what is right, and remain faithful, He will direct our path!  What a testimony builder for me that my Heavenly Father really does watch over and protect me and my children!  I feel confident that everything will work out, and that this baby will be a wonderful addition to our family!  I will be so excited when she comes, and I know that sitting here in absolute boredom will feel like a second compared to all the joy we will share when she is a part of our family!

"Better" is Relative

Everyone is sooo different when it comes to expectations.

The other day I stopped and pondered an important question for right now in my life, "What does 'better' look like to me?"

The family and I have officially hit survival mode for the remainder of the pregnancy and the subsequent 'post partum period of adjustment'....  so for the next 6-8 months, expectations really just need to take a back seat. From this end, that seems like a long time.... but looking back to the last time we did this, it will go by fast...  Or it will feel like it did when it is over.

Anyway, as we hit this stage of bringing littles into the world, Spencer and I really have to work hard to keep our heads above water.  Being home is helpful, but it's not a cure-all, catch-all.  In some ways, this time is harder, and others it is easier.  For me, it is harder in the sense that I KNOW this isn't the last time we are going to go through this.  It is easier because there are so many things for the kiddos to do to exhaust them into early bedtimes and daily naps or quiet times.  It is also easier being in much better shape this time around.

Today I had my 32/33 week midwife appt, and we scheduled our next visit and the home visit.  I got all the info to order my birthing kit... and I have 3 weeks left in which to get it all ordered to be here in time.

So, all in all, reality is setting in. I find myself really struggling to be OK with our current circumstances, and with the very natural state of my body and mind.  I know this will pass, so that should be what I tell myself in those moments of chaos... but I don't. I give myself such a hard time when it comes to not being able to get it all done.  Like, my family shouldn't suffer or take a back seat because pregnancy is taking it's toll!  I should be able to perform almost normally.  All that should change is the size of belly!  Not my emotions, not the state of my house (Finally had to hire some help on that one), not the ability my joints have to hold my body together, just my belly...  But I guess it is more fun this way.  Having everything you choose to do at this stage of pregnancy be completely determined by all things pregnancy related (do I really have what it takes to clean that mess? Do I really want to cook that meal since it takes longer than 20 minutes? Do I really want to take the kids to the park in 90 degree heat when I will have to be bending over picking up Declan every 5 minutes, or running to his rescue because he wants to run off the side of the play equipment? Can I even fit in the play equipment? And where is the nearest bathroom? Should I pack a snack? I digress...).

So back to the question.  What does 'better' look like to me?  Because I want to find how to make this stage of life better. Especially since this isn't the last time we've gotta get through this.  And if I can find a solution to this stage, I can apply it to everything and every other stage of life.

Some ideas I had come up with were pretty awesome! But then it came down to just a few simple things:

Read
Pray
Go To Church

Read my scriptures on my own, with my family, and with Spencer.

Pray morning, midday, and night. Over my meals, for my sanity, for my children, family, and for my husband. (the order might be a little skewed according to my current situation)

Go to church every week ready to learn! Attend any uplifting meetings that are available to me.  And find people to serve, so I can get out of my own head, and do some good in the world.

The other things I thought of, to name a few, were: go to the pool, go to Sea World, go to story time, do crafts, organize a moms night out... but honestly, they take a lot more effort, and provide a smaller return on investment... Except the moms night out... not sure you can find a better group of ladies than the wonderful friends I have made here! But when I look at the big picture... what is the BEST way to combat the ever changing ebbs and flows?  Keeping the Lord as my foundation in life.

One final thought that summed this all up for me: Sometimes Heavenly  Father calms the storm, but sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms us. 

Memorial Day

I think this is the first Memorial Day I have spent with a wounded soldier.  It is creating new meaning.  I am so grateful for Jeremy, and his sacrifice.  Because of him, my brother-in-law was able to come home alive to my sister, and over 25 other men's lives were spared.   He almost lost his life.  Last summer he was nearing the end of his tour in Afghanistan, he had just a couple weeks left before he came home... for reasons only our Heavenly Father can explain, he had all of his protective gear on and was headed out of their little compound to speak to another soldier about a possible shift change.   It was then that a rogue Afghani soldier was headed their direction.  He had his gun.... an automatic rifle that shot 200 rounds per minute.  Jeremy and this soldier locked eyes. Jeremy knew his intentions.  He didn't even have a moment to pull up his weapon before he was disabled and on the ground.  He was shot 12 times in a matter of seconds and suffered 20 or so bullet wounds (some of which are STILL healing).  This soldier decided not to finish his job, turned around, and ran. Several other soldiers were shot as well, but Jeremy took the brunt of it.  I am so grateful to the soldiers, including my brother-in-law, who kept him alive and literally saved his life.  He is such a great person.  My kids love him, and Alice is always talking about him to other people, an how "he got shot from the bad guys".  Little does she know now, that his sacrifice has brought so many blessings.  Jeremy is a fighter.  He has been such an example of selflessness to me.  He is remarkably humble, and wants so badly to be a husband and father.  He loves my kids and they love him. Well, we all love Jeremy!

Have a Great Memorial Day! And let us take a moment to remember what it is all about!

Letting Go...

Sometimes it is time to just let go of any awkward, unresolved feelings.  Lately, as I have had my 'not so proud' moments, I find that I punish myself by reminding myself of all of my failures as a wife, mom and friend.

Tonight, I am making a better effort to just let it go. To forgive my shortcomings. To continue on my path to being a positive and uplifting influence in the lives of those around me.  I am not perfect. I struggle with this every day, but I will figure this out!

My current goal is to stop yelling... like ever.  I never want to raise my voice again. (check out that awesome link!) I want to be as quiet in my discipline as I possibly can.  Without the TV, the noise level has significantly decreased, and I want to keep it that way.  We feel that for our family, getting rid of the outside noise is a key component to inviting the Spirit into our home. 

"Doing all we can to invite the gentle, guiding influence of the Holy Ghost into our lives is critical in our attempts to center our homes on the Savior. Acting obediently on those promptings strengthens us even more.

Greater peace will come as you couple your efforts to be obedient with serving those around you. So many individuals who have what they perceive to be meager talents humbly and generously use those talents to bless the lives of those around them. Selfishness is the root of great evil. The antidote for that evil is exemplified in the life of the Savior. He shows us how to focus our lives outward in unselfish service to others.

I have learned a truth that has been repeated so frequently in my life that I have come to know it as an absolute law. It defines the way obedience and service relate to the power of God. When we obey the commandments of the Lord and serve His children unselfishly, the natural consequence is power from God—power to do more than we can do by ourselves. Our insights, our talents, our abilities are expanded because we receive strength and power from the Lord. His power is a fundamental component to establishing a home filled with peace." Elder Richard G Scott "For Peace at Home"

So Much To Learn

I always love a good visit with my Grandma Alice. I could talk to her forever. And I love to hear what she has to say, especially from all her years of experience.

She's been in town this week, and today she spent most of the day at my house with the kiddos. When they went down for naps we had a great chance to visit. I love how she will ask a question and really listen for the answer. Talking things out always has helped me. The key for me lately is to stop at talking something out and not letting evolve into negativity or complaining. And today I was able to put that to the test!

I have mentioned a couple of times that I know number 4 is not my last baby. So during that quiet moment this afternoon she asked me a little more about that. I was able to really express my confirmations and testimony about how I feel about my calling in life to have these kids. I was able to express why I feel The Lord has prompted me to have them so close. I was able to really just talk and not feel like I was being judged by my choices, but rather, she sought to understand how I felt. I need to be better about listening to people this way. She's a little further ahead of me on the maturity scale, but maybe I can catch up before I'm a great grandma!

I really appreciated the opportunity to visit with my Grandma today! I know I say this a lot, but I am just so glad I'm close to family! This is a dream come true for me, since I can remember I wanted to raise my children close to family, I've always felt that this would help us all learn who we are, and there is something so special about a family bond... Sure we are dysfunctional at times, but that's the fun of it!

This picture I took of my Grandma Alice holding baby Alice right after she learned her name. She had no idea we were thinking of naming our baby after her, and she was just soaking in the moment! So glad I got this picture of such a special moment!

Generations

My grandmother has been visiting with my family this week. I love talking with her, I always have. Alice is especially enjoying her time with Great-Grandma Alice. She understands that is who she got her name from, so naturally she needs to be glued to her side. I love watching her connect with her Great Grandma! I love seeing her tell story after story and, like she would for me, my grandma is fully engaged. I'm learning that I need to take more opportunities to just sit and listen to my babies. The housework seems to distract me so much! I wish there were two of me! One to cook and clean and the other to engage with my kids at every moment!

I love family history! I love my family! And I love that my children will KNOW their family! So glad to be home!

Paradigm Shift

One of the most difficult phrases for me to stop saying as a spouse and parent is "You Make Me..."

- You're making me mad!
- You drive me crazy!
- You make me so angry when you don't listen.
- You make me sad when you do this.

This is a terrible phrase.  The reality isn't that anyone makes me anything. I choose to be mad, angry, crazy, frustrated, impatient, sad, etc.  I can ALSO choose, to take a breath, walk away, admit I am losing my patience, change my attitude, and so much more. I can choose to laugh about something, or look at it from an entirely different perspective.

If you have kept up with my blog, you have noticed a trend with all this decision making....  I choose to be what I am and how I feel.  This has proven to be a harder lesson to learn, but I am still learning it.

My visiting teachers (a couple ladies from my church that come and catch-up, visit and share a Christ-like message with me each month) came by yesterday.  The first one that showed up hasn't seen me or visited with me in years (since I have been in Utah for the past 5) so we were catching up quite a bit.  Throughout our conversation I was once again brought back to the subject of choices....  I can choose how to feel about my situation.  I can choose to change my situation. I can choose to look at my situation from a completely different perspective.

Often I find myself thinking in the terms of so and so makes me feel this way, or this event made me feel like that.  I don't do it on purpose, of course.  However, I think that most of the world thinks and acts according to this small perception of life.  That our attitudes and circumstances are affected by how something made us act and feel as we did.  I am not sure if I am making any sense.

What I am trying to say is.... That if I can first change my paradigm, or the way in which I ought to think and act, I will no longer be drawn to use those forbidden phrases.  After all, my children need not grow up to think that they had anything to do with the choices I made. Of course, our choices affect one another, especially within the family unit, but they do not determine our individual actions and choices.

If I stop thinking those things, I will stop feeling those things, or reacting in such a way as to allow my surroundings to change my mood... rather I will change my own surroundings to match the mood I create for myself... make more sense?

Enough rambling.  Stay positive, control my attitude, and things will be better. The end!

Here are the quotes from conference talks that sparked this chain of thought:

"In all of this, I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, The Tongue of Angels General Conference April 2007

"Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed." - President Thomas S Monson, Finding Joy in the Journey General Conference October 2008

And the best for last :)

"Brothers and sisters, no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.

Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts. I love the quote: “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”⁷

We are commanded “to give thanks in all things.”⁸ So isn’t it better to see with our eyes and hearts even the small things we can be thankful for, rather than magnifying the negative in our current condition?

The Lord has promised, “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold.”" - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions General Conference October 2012

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

My beautiful baby boy turned 1 today!!  I love him so much.  I was told so many times that there is such a special bond between mother and son.  And I have to agree.  I love my little D and the awesome blessings he has brought into my life.  I can now say I have a 3, 2 and a 1 yr old! lol!  I am living it up!

My favorite things about him:
- He ALWAYS gives me a good snuggle when I pick him up for the morning or from a nap.  The kind where he latches his arm around mine and nestles into my shoulder.
- He says Mama when he needs me or more food. haha!
- He crawls to me when I am on the floor with him and gives me a big hug and will settle into my lap.
- He loves his daddy so much and will be so excited and snuggle him when he gets home
- He is always so happy
- He is sooo patient, he will barely whimper for a good 20 minutes when he is hungry or tired before he actually starts to whine.
- He LOVES seeing his sisters in the morning!
- He smiles even when he is sick
- He is a climber
- He is such a loving and good natured spirit. Perfect for balancing out the strong spirits in the family ;)
- He has the most kissable cheeks and cutest dimples! When I get both of them to show I have done something right!
- He is my little Mama's boy!
- Last but not least, when I look into his beautiful Hazel eyes I am constantly reminded as to why he is here and how much he loves me.

I love my little man!

It's a good thing relationships are NOT math equations.

I love going out with Spencer when we aren't too tired to talk. I've been struggling with a current situation that I've somehow created for myself, and he really helps me talk it out so I can make sense of things.

A thought I had while conversing tonight is, you can multiply as many positive numbers together and always get a positive answer, but you multiply one negative number in there and the solution then becomes tainted with a silly negative sign (math whizzes, I know two negatives equal a positive but my analogy stops with one).

Much like 100 truths can solidify a theory or hypothesis, but one fallacy causes the entire thing to bust.

Anyway, it's a good thing relationships don't work this way. Or that we have the power to control our perceptions or solutions to problems we face.

It's a good thing that even when someone does or says one wrong or hurtful thing, we have the power to choose the way it will affect us. No one is perfect. Tolerance is a commandment. We should always give the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, a family member said something that I had a really hard time with. It took me two days of really talking it out, praying, focusing on the positive, and trying to understand the other perspective, before I could get rid of all the animosity I felt. Now, I sincerely understand that what I heard was not what they meant. It's a great feeling being able to know that I can let go simply by choosing to be positive. I chose to focus my energy on appreciating the positive components of that time instead of the one negative thing that happened.

It's great to be able to choose your own solutions.

And another thing, sometimes we feel that urge to just blurt things out to another person because we are in the heat of the moment. And most of the time it ends badly. As in the case with my family member... For those two days I just had this letter brewing in my mind that I was determined to write and send. I was going to stick up for myself and really make them feel the rudeness of their comment. But after I got to that point of freedom, after I released myself from the animosity I chose to shackle myself with, I realized that absolutely nothing positive would have come from giving a piece of my mind or even defending myself.

Actually just two days ago... I did give a piece of my mind to an even closer family member, and at the end I vocally admitted that no good came of saying what I thought, I felt no better about anything in our current situation. Further verification that some things should go unsaid. Always.

Anyway. Here's to learning a valuable lesson.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

And lastly, if you have to let it out. Write it on a piece of paper and burn it afterwards... Or, if you like making sail boats out of paper, and a river or stream is close by, watch your bad thoughts and feelings sail away!

Never Take Anything For Granted

The First Lesson:

This past weekend was a growing experience for our little family.  My 2nd cousin's dad passed away from heart failure due to complications from a surgery and previous stroke.  Although, he didn't pass away until last Tuesday, he was basically gone from the moment he had his stroke a couple years ago.  Of course everyone hoped he would make a full recovery, but a week shy of his 61st birthday his heart stopped.  It was a very emotional time for my parents. My dad grew up with both his cousin and her future husband, and he shared many memories with them.  He was a groomsman at their wedding.  When I was little, my 2nd cousin and I were nearly inseparable, but all of that's changed now.  We barely know each other past Facebook, and the last time I saw her was almost 10 years ago.  Wow.  Time flies.

The funeral was a few days after his passing, and unfortunately I was not able to reconnect with the family in attendance due to matters beyond my control. I spent the entire journey back home contemplating the real inconvenience of the matter. Had that not been my first chance to reconnect with my family since my Uncle's passing, I don't think I would have been nearly as bummed.  Yes, we have been living in Utah and visiting hasn't exactly been an option, but it can be now.  I resolved to spend more time figuring out ways to visit family even through the inconvenience of carting my kids around the state.  I should not take this for granted.  Family time here on earth is very short, and it really is the only thing that matters in this life, family I mean.

So my take away from the weekend was to appreciate the time I was able to spend with my Grandpa while we stayed with him, since that was the only extended family member I was really able to spend more than 5 minutes with.  And to appreciate the fun connection that my kids made with their Great-Grandpa!  They love him, and they can't wait to see him again.  So much time has passed since I was their age and couldn't wait to see Grandpa again, and I am so glad my children get enjoy the same joys and anticipations!

I love being close to my family, it is teaching me not to take it for granted... or, perhaps, my time in Utah taught me not to.

The second lesson:

On our way back home from the funeral we found out that a dear friend of mine from Utah had only just found out her youngest son (2 yrs old) has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL).  And the treatments for this are going to be loooong and drastic.  Chemo will start right away and last for years.  There is a hope that he will have a full recovery, with a 90% cure rate, but it is devastating.  Cancer.  This family has always been an example to me, and I love my friend to pieces.  She had her children fairly close, but as I remember her, she always seemed to have it together, even through the chaos of life!

They knew something was up with their son as he was always getting sick, but they never even thought of cancer.... how many parents actually think of that?

The whole world seemed to be narrowing in when I found out.  I had the sudden urge to drop everything to be by her side.  Luckily, we come from a great neighborhood of amazing people all stepping up to help this wonderful family!  But it really taught me that life is really all about family.  We should never take them for granted.  My friend's life will drastically change from here on out, but she has been the greatest example to me of putting family first, she hasn't taken her sweet family for granted, and now she is being blessed with so much support through this difficult time.

Through these stories and experiences I have done a great deal of reflecting.  Family is first and foremost, but friends do help a lot!  I have decided that there is a difference between being positive and being private.  Being completely private through great trials rarely helps me, but being positive is key when sharing anything personal.  I am trying very hard to be a glass half full type of person, and although I am no longer an open book, I have decided that I won't be a closed one either.  Life is too short to sweat the small stuff, and it is too long to go it alone.  Family and friends are here to help one another through this sojourn on the earth.  And what better people can we share our precious time with than those we hold dear!?

I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband and children who love me and help me be a better person! I am blessed to have amazing examples in my family and friends, and so much support!

Life is short! Make it sweet!

A Break :)

We moved back to Texas two looong months ago. And it's been a very eventful two months. I am constantly being reminded that this was, indeed, the right decision for our family. Not sure if its the 70 degree weather or just the fact that this is where we need to be ;) I sure miss the friends I had in Utah, and the awesome neighborhood we lived in! But I'm excited to plant roots!

I've already had so many opportunities to share my beliefs and connect with other people with similar goals and interests as me. I love it here! I love the feeling of home. Now... If only we can get one settled for ourselves.. I wouldn't complain about moving out of my parents! It's been nice to see huge numbers in our checking account, but it's all spoken for so it's not really there... It's still nice though :)

Through these last couple months, and the most exhausting part of pregnancy, I've only had two half days of total meltdowns. I have been putting so much effort into recognizing that my irrational, emotional reactions to stress are induced by my pregnancy, and I am able to contain and change my attitude so much easier this time around. Knowing that it's just my calling in life to have these babies this close helps a lot too. I've had to pray... A lot... For peace through this whole process of moving, new job, and new baby. I don't appreciate change like some, but I'm sure I do more than others.. All the same, I will love being settled!

This weekend Spencer and I had our first overnighter since September. It was just what we needed! The stress has definitely been a struggle, and having a day where I was only responsible for myself was a real treat. I certainly enjoyed coming back and loving on all my babies :) they really bring so much joy to my life!

Being a mom is harder than I had anticipated, but that's OK. It has taught me to stop anticipating so much and to just have Faith that if you are doing what The Lord asks or requires of you, you'll be just fine. We will be just fine!

I love my family, I love growing up, and I love my life :)

Change is constant

I have to say, looking for a place to live is not my favorite thing...  I know I would be happy with any house above my price range, so what?  It is very hard to be objective when I am emotionally compromised.  It is times like these, where I suppose I should sit down and really think about what is most important.  But, sitting down right now is not an option.  Our lives have been so full of change these last 5 years that I am just not certain of a whole lot right now...  do we find a house that will suit our needs for right now, or do we try to get into a place for the long haul?

We really don't want to move again anytime soon, but past experience has taught us to be prepared for change.... all the time!

Just last week I found out we are expecting AGAIN.  And even though we are both really excited (and apparently not waiting to let the world know) it proves my point.

I was reflecting on just how much we have accomplished these last 5 years...  or changed... or added...  and I was thinking about how many couples dissolve over the slightest amount of change.... and we have only drawn closer through it all.  I really love my life.  It feels like a whirlwind most of the time, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Being back home, I have a lot of people tell me I've got my hands full... so far no one says it in a negative way, just an observant one.  It helps that my kids are cute and Alice is so social.  Anyway, I can only imagine what people will say when I have another one.. lol...

Ok I suppose since I am finally sitting down, I ought to get to that list.... or a nap.

Almost Reunited

As Spencer and I's anniversary approaches I find myself reflecting a lot over the many changes we have gone through during our short 5 years together.  But they have been a FULL 5 years!  We have had 3 kids in that 5 years.  We have gotten Spencer through school. We have moved across country... 4 times...  We have purchased our first home and 3 cars (not at the same time).  Spencer has been Elder's Quorum President for a year (during the transition from a couple to a family). Oh and a Scoutmaster for 2. We have COMPLETELY changed how we eat. And we have made some AMAZING friends.

So much more has happened, but the point is, I am so glad we have eternity together!  I love this man, and he makes me happier than I could have ever hoped for.... he also drives me crazier than anyone ever will, but that is the best part!  Well, the best part is, that we love each other so much through our imperfections that I am becoming a better person. I want to be a better person.  I want to show him I love him as much, if not more, than he shows me.  He's great!  I can't wait to see him!  Being apart this past week has been killer!!

That. Was. Hard.

Leaving Utah was quite the experience for me this time around.  When I left before, when I was pregnant with Norah, Spencer and I were in a transitionary stage of life.  He had just graduated, and it was the normal thing to do to move away after you graduate. All the people around us were in the same stage of life, so many people in our ward were doing the same thing...  It was no big deal... none of us expected to stick around, especially not stay in a married student ward...  several of us were no longer in that category.  So even the ones who were staying in UT were moving wards....

Anyway, this time around, we hadn't planned on leaving UT...  We had found a house and a neighborhood we thought we would raise our children in.  Even though this past year was a real struggle for me, I thought I would get through it and finally find my place.  I never found where I fit in...  The only people I felt I connected with, felt like misfits themselves... lol! The irony.  I never formed those bonds I thought I would.  Some people barely said hi to me the entire time I lived there.  When I moved in I really put myself out there and introduced myself to a lot of people.  I really tried reaching out the whole time I lived in that house.  When I left, we had a handful of people actually stop and say goodbye... the waves kinda hurt my feelings... like, this wasn't just any ordinary day. And everyone knew I was leaving.... perhaps not the exact day, but they were informed of the timeline... still, no one really stopped or called.  I did get a text here and there, but still...  texts and waves aren't the best for long goodbyes, at least not to me.  Only because when I am texting someone, often times it is because I am not comfortable enough with them to feel like I wouldn't be an intrusion.  Texting is 'safe'... it keeps you at finger-tip length... and you can save face.  I suppose I figured out who my friends were, and where I fit, finally, in those last days.  And even after I left, some good friends showed up on Saturday to help Spencer even though I wasn't even there.

I am glad to say that I learned so much from my 2 years in that house and surrounded by so many amazing people.  I wish I could say I had made any sort of impact while I was there... but I struggle to know whether or not anyone saw me for who I am or what I could contribute. I really had no desire to cry until those last moments.  Or maybe it was just because Kelsey was a basket-case and I wanted so desperately to take her with me!  Perhaps I cried because I would miss Joy and her family so much, and Casey, Lara, the Pedrozas, the Edwards, the Gerbers, Terri and her sweet mom Joanne, and the handful of others that made an impact in my life.  Perhaps I cried because I had harbored a lot of resentment over the last year of reaching out and not really getting anything out of it and then realizing that it wasn't important and I wasted my time being self-conscious.  Those people, the ones who said goodbye, showed me that I did make a difference, that I was worth something. And that is what mattered.

The thought that keeps coming to me, is to just be REAL. Be who I am, and it is ok if I am not perfect, what matters is that I am trying to be.  I am always trying to be better. Always.  Ok so maybe there are times I throw up my hands and wonder 'what's the point?', but it is only for a moment or two and than I get back on track.

I am going to share something personal in hopes that anyone else feeling the same way can receive some amount of comfort in knowing they are not alone. I wrote this a couple of months ago in my journal. "Lately I have been feeling very paranoid about everything I do and say. Ever since that one comment was made this past spring I find myself in constant worry of what others think of me or what I say. Spencer has a job opportunity popping up in Austin and I am so hoping The Lord may finally see it OK for us to go back home. If not, I will make the best of my circumstances, put a smile on my face and no one need be wiser as to my insecurities. I hate feeling this way. I am doing my best to focus on my family, my scriptures and being uplifting to those around me. We shall see what I can make of this. Some great advice I have learned is to keep a positive attitude no matter what I may be going through, and while I thought I was doing this, perhaps I must do better. Just maybe it can take my estranged feelings away."

There has to be a way to be POSITIVE and be REAL. All too often, being real and being negative go hand in hand.  I believe the only way to achieve positive results is to think positively of oneself.  I am practicing this... but it is really really hard.  I know I have a lot of good qualities the Lord would rather me focus on, they are just covered up in my mind by all my shortcomings.  I am hoping I can positively apply all the lessons of these past 2 years into my new life.  I have a fresh start at showing myself that I am worth something, that I can be who I am with confidence, and I know the Lord will guide me every step of the way.  I am resolved to this endeavor. I will find a way to be myself in the most positive and uplifting sense, even when life bogs me down. There is joy in the journey!

And lastly, this thought comes to mind, it is taken from President Thomas S Monson's talk 'Finding Joy in the Journey' given during the October 2008 LDS General Conference, "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

I am hoping I can learn to more fully embrace the gospel into my life.  I am hoping I can truly realize what matters most.  And feel it.  Not just recognize it, but really embrace it.  I love holding my babies close and my husband closer.  I love it when we laugh and play and sing and read.  I love seeing my babies love each other and light up when they are reunited after even the shortest of partings.  I am so blessed to have made amazing friends and done some profound growing over the past years of being away from home.  The past year alone has made me a different person altogether.  For the better.  Here's to another day!

Oh and the hardest part was the drive.  2 adults, 3 babies, 3 days, 1400 miles.  Never. Again. 

Overwhelmed With Gratitude

You know that moment when you are packing all of your belongings and you feel like you have come so far and then you look past all the packed boxes and see everything not in a box?? Ya, I have had that moment at least a hundred times over the past 10 days.

I think Heavenly Father creates uncomfortable situations for us... or at least allows them... so that we will seek the changes that will put us on the path He wants us on. Right before the LDS General Relief Society meeting I was visiting with a friend who recently moved about an hour away (since the General meeting was in Salt Lake and she moved just north of there), her words really comforted me during my internal struggle with my situation at the time.  I seriously felt like a fish out of water.... Anyway, she said (in regards to her own reason for moving), "I think that The Lord puts us in uncomfortable situations when it is time to change our surroundings." Further, "why would anyone move if they were completely comfortable exactly where they were, why would that thought even cross their mind?" It made me feel a ton better about considering moving back home... In reality, I am a younger mom than almost all of my neighbors and friends out here and they have all since moved past my particular stage of life (the 'let's get the kids out of the house so we can have our sanity back' stage) and are literally in the 'running around from one thing to another ALL day' stage! So, understandably, they cherish those quiet 'alone' moments any moment they can because they hardly get them! It's like recovering from a whirlwind just thinking about it. And those days may not be far off for me. 

Anyway, so, awesome, I felt like it was OK to look forward to going home... And then I went to the actual RS meeting and was like SUPER close to the Prophet. A lot of things were said that had me resolved to be OK staying, I even texted Spencer that night, "Maybe we should stay." As in stay in Utah... AND I talked with a good friend that night in the car on the way home and she almost confirmed my feelings that staying would be OK. 

It is at these times, we draw closer to The Lord and seek His guidance and council and only He can establish and re-establish that healthy balance between body, mind, and Spirit, and also the relationships between family and friends.

I can literally tell you, that every time I was surrounded by any of my friends before and after this time had me feeling a complete 180 about staying or going. I was so confused.  If I stayed, wouldn't I be like a way stronger person because I learned how to just go it all alone and rely only on The Lord and my own wits to get me through the struggles of motherhood? By alone, I mean without my family. I had plenty of friends… but... you know how it is…  with friends it just isn't the same, especially when you are already so close to your family.

I have always felt that friends may come and go, but families are FOREVER!  And my family, quite literally, will last me just that long.  True, some are blessed to have friends that feel like family, and we are blessed to have those even here...  The pull to be closer to family is just too strong for me. It sure has been nice to have Spencer's brother and extended family to visit with these past 5 years!  We certainly have grown closer to them! For that I am so grateful.

Anyway, throughout this time I talked a lot with my best friend back home, and we really isolated a lot of my issues with living here.... I am away from my closest friends and especially my family. Ok so maybe two issues…  oh and the long, cold winters… not a fan.  Although, it is a GREAT place to visit! lol! And now we will have awesome people to connect with when we do!! 

I remember that when we had first moved into this neighborhood we just knew and felt that we had finally made it to where we were supposed to be.... I was so happy to be surrounded my such AMAZING people, and they really are AMAZING! You won't find a better group! We really felt like our kids would grow up here. For whatever reason, this is no longer where we need to be.  I have learned so much from everyone here, and these last 2 years have proved to be life-altering!  We have really settled into how we want to be as a family and how to incorporate the Gospel as the center of our lives.  Spencer and I have drawn so much closer to each other and especially to The Lord, and we continue to do so.

I have learned a lot about choices, consequences, and what matters most.

What matters most to me is my family.  I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted my children to KNOW their grandparents and cousins and Aunts and Uncles, to learn from them.  I want them to feel that strong family bond.  I am so happy to be going home. And I am SO grateful this is what The Lord has in store for my family at this time!  And I am SO grateful for the life-changing lessons I have learned as a result of the experiences I have had here.

TEXAS

The stars at night, are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas!!

Howdy y'all! Thought I'd let you in on the best news since Declan's birth. We are moving home!!!! I cannot exclaim my excitement!! I've been feeling so out of place in the motherland for the better part of the last year- granted I was bringing a third child into the world. And I was finally resolving to keep to myself in hopes that I would eventually learn my place in the social ranks... And then Spencer started getting hiccups that there were jobs in Austin for his area of expertise.

The first jobs we learned about were in July, but the first ones we started looking into presented themselves in September. He had two interviews around Halloween and we've accepted the job in San Antonio!! His official start date is in 2.5 weeks!! December 10th, pending we actually get there in time... Packing and getting our house ready for renters is harder than one might anticipate... But it will all work out!

I'm just so excited to finally be going home! I'm a Texan... It's where I fit. It's where I belong.

Turning a Leaf

I have been ITCHING to get back to my workouts since having been sick for a week.  They make me a better person, a better mom.  I have tried going to gyms in the past, but it takes WAAY too much out of my day to even get there.  Exercise can only be a part of my morning routine, it never makes it's way as a 'To Do' on my list of errands to run, or it is the last thing that gets done (have you EVER done the LAST thing on your To Do list??).  Weeks like this used to throw me OFF the fitness bandwagon...  not this time.  I have turned a new leaf.  I am so glad I did.

Another thing that I have been interested in lately, is how the truly wealthy (not the workaholic kind) look at life and money...  I have been a part of a Financial Fitness Book Club, and it is changing my entire perspective.  The book we are reading this month is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill... I highly recommend it! 

And lastly, I had the most wonderful General Conference Experience.  I am currently studying out the talks given last weekend during this years Semi-Annual General Conference. Along with these talks, the books and scriptures I have been reading, I am deciding on new ways to be, and improvements that will help me function better as a wife and mom, and ways to appreciate my blessings.  I love this time of year!

Now I Know and That is That.

This summer has been something of a pivotal moment in my life.  I had no idea turning 25 meant that I quite literally had to grow up!  Haha!

It was full of stresses, heartaches, milestones, and loneliness.  But I have grown so much because of it.  It is a bittersweet moment when one feels at peace with and even grateful for their hardest trials.

What I have learned from this most recent struggle of life is:

1) People can't always take what they give - even if you can be there through another's struggles, it is wise to stay close to the Lord on your own.

2) Try never to ignore a prompting - no matter how hard your own trials may be, you aren't following the Lord's council when you ignore his heeds. In fact, following a prompting may alleviate your own trials, those of the person in need, and help you draw closer to your Savior in your time of need.

3)  There is no way to read minds, but actions speak louder than words.

4)  Only the Savior truly knows what I am going through.  No matter how much I seek council and guidance from those that have experienced similar hardships in life, only the Lord can really speak to my spirit and fill that need.  Through these people he sometimes forms a mouthpiece, but often times peace and answers comes during the quiet moments we are alone and seeking His guidance thoroughly in our lives.

5)  I am blessed with an amazing Eternal Companion who loves me in all my moments.  Yes, some moments are a little more annoying than others, but he loves me all the same.

6)  I have children that look up to me, love me unconditionally, and rely on me for stability and comfort.  They depend on me completely, I cannot distract myself with nonsense.

7)  I never want to hear that I put someone else in the shoes I filled this past summer, and I hope to never make another negative comment about someone especially when I feel wronged or justified. I need to give the benefit of the doubt.

8)  'Friend' is a very relative term, and is used way too loosely.  I am feeling very cynical about this subject right now.

9) Being pregnant 3 times in 3 years really throws someone's hormones out of whack, I didn't know what depression was until after I had my 1st baby....  Now I want more than anything to forget it!

10) Telling the truth doesn't mean you need to give all the back story... avoid sharing your struggles during a moment that is intended to be uplifting. The Lord knows our struggles, often times conversations will be enlightening to our current struggles, without indulging in our own self-pity.

So through all of this I have had to come to peace with the fact that most relationships are best kept at arms length. And there will be only 1 or 2 that will surpass that, including your spouse.  If you can say that you have at least one TRUE friend when you die, you had a good life.

I would like to say, that if I died today, I have a good life!