Lessons I Learn as a Young, Mormon Mom 007

Disclaimer:  There is mention of blood and feminine related problems.  Be warned before you read on!  This is most definitely a TMI post.  

Lesson 7: Life is a miracle.  And it is to be cherished when successful, and mourned when lost.

The past 10 days have been the hardest ones of my life.  When I get to what happened you may have thoughts of confusion, perhaps you'll think it is silly.  How can this be the hardest, most distressing thing ever?  I promise that everyone who has been through what I have been through and worse, will understand. 

On May 18th, 2014 I began the process of miscarrying our 5th baby.  We hadn't announced that we were expecting, and weren't planning to until we found out what we were having, or until people just figured it out.  We were SO excited to be having another little one to add to the bunch.  We were starting to really settle into our little family life, and I finally figured out just how much joy there is in motherhood, enough so, that I finally began feeling fulfilled in my role.  All the while, my husband and I kept this wonderful news to ourselves, at least, we tried, but it would not matter.

I remember the thoughts I had as I started bleeding, I wanted so desperately for it to go back in where it belonged.  I didn't want this to be happening.  I knew what was happening, but I still prayed for a miracle.  I went to a midwife friend and she couldn't find a heart beat.  Spencer gave me a blessing, and it was vague but I was promised that my body would do what it needed to do. I went to a Dr. the next day and she did an ultrasound that confirmed that our little bean was no longer with us. No longer 'progressing' is what the doctors say.  And as much as I love how sensitive she was, it was all a matter of fact.  At least she did say it was a baby.  And our baby had stopped progressing around 9 or 10 weeks gestation.  I was supposed to be between 12 and 14, so there was cause for minor concern, but we weren't positive how far along I was either, so we decided to give my body time to do what it needed to do.  

Walking out of the Dr.'s office was the hardest 5 minutes of my life.  All I heard after the confirmation that I was indeed miscarrying was a version of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to me.  All I could think of was that sweet little baby that was no longer with me.  All the dreams and plans Spencer and I were making to welcome this sweet little one into our family.  We had been talking about it for 7 weeks at this point.  The morning before I started bleeding we were making plans of how to tell our kids.  We were deciding when and how to tell our friends and family.  We were deciding how the school year would go so we could take time to adjust to the new addition. We were discussing names.  We were dreaming about how much our kids would love being so close.  Spencer was proud, and I was too.  We were having another baby.  The excitement was overwhelming at times.  I am not sure why I was most excited this time around, perhaps it was because I finally felt like a mom.  I am finally enjoying this phase of my life for what it is, and no longer stressed about what it isn't.  My kids are everything to me.  And I finally understand that I am more than everything to them. At least, I understand it as far as my life experience allows.  

I called my mom on the way to the car.  I cried.  My baby had died, that is what it felt like to me.  I was a mess.  We took our kids over to my parents, and my dad gave me a hug, and I cried some more.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I couldn't believe some people actually do this on purpose.  Somehow the knowledge that some people electively terminate pregnancies made it difficult for me to acknowledge just how empty I felt.  Am I over-reacting? I was torn between, 'oh it's not that serious, you were only in your first trimester,' and 'you just lost your unborn child, your baby died, and it's ok to cry.'

Spencer and I went to dinner with our nearly 10 month old, Lacy.  And we ate crap, because we felt like crap.  I was so grateful he came to the Dr. with me (thanks to my mom for watching my kids).  I had needed him there.  He is amazing to stay by my side.  He loves our babies. He loved the one we lost.  He was sad too.  We know Heavenly Father is with us through these moments.  We have faith that this little spirit will still grace us with their presence.  Just not yet.  That doesn't take away the void, or the emptiness, or the uncertainty I feel at this moment.  That doesn't take away the pain of the loss we are carrying.  

When we picked up our kids I explained to our 5 year old, Alice, what had happened.  And she understood.  I was amazed.  Never underestimate the understanding of a child, or how their love can carry you through very difficult times.

The next day Spencer went to work, and I started cramping more.  And Alice, our 5 year old, continued to wrap her head around everything in her little mind.  Grandma took the two oldest with her for the afternoon, one of my best friends and her sister came to spend the afternoon and evening with me, and Spencer and I were able to get out of the house with his brother for a bit. It was a glorious distraction.  I needed it to prepare me for the next day. 

The next day Spencer decided to work from home.  That is when the real cramps and contractions hit.  It was horrible.  I felt like I was in labor but worse, because I knew there would be no baby, not because it hurt more.  Actually I compare it more to the after birth pains I felt after my 4th.  The ones I would get while I was nursing.  horrible.  painful.  I could've thrown up.  I started losing clots and bleeding quite a bit more. Then, around 5 pm, I lost so much of everything at once.  And the little tiny baby made it's way out of my body.  Perfectly preserved in the water sac.  And as I held this in my hand, I just lost part of my heart. I was amazed at what my body was in the process of doing, but sad that it had stopped doing it. I called Spencer up and we had a moment where we humbly accepted what had just happened.  He helped me get the bleeding under control and we carefully set our little baby aside.  We wanted to find a quiet moment to really understand what just happened. Impossible to have during dinner time.  So he helped me into the shower, and went back to our 4 littles and checked on me periodically.  I will admit, had I not been so involved with previous deliveries and aware of the amount of blood loss involved, I would have seriously panicked.  I was able to stay calm, and stay sharp.  Skills I learned from having 3 of my 4 without pain meds and one of them at home.  Awareness I gained from asking questions and learning all I could about this process.   

I would describe the bleeding and pain to be similar to that of having a baby, but not anywhere near the same.  I know later miscarriages are far worse.  What I experienced was more like an echo to childbirth.  Emotionally, it was terrible.  

Throughout this past week I have had amazing friends reach out and share their own experiences.  I have had so many acts of kindness performed.  Treats brought. Texts sent. And phone calls.  I haven't had much time to blame myself for anything.  

The Atonement is becoming so clear to me.  Christ is with me during these moments.  It is His love that will fill the void right now.  Only He can fully comfort me at this time (with the help of others of course), and only He knows exactly what I am going through.  

I have many things to be grateful for at this time.  I am grateful that I have 4 beautiful babies to help ease me through this loss.  I am grateful for a husband who fully appreciates how difficult this is for me. I am so grateful for the Gospel that teaches me that if I lose a child in this life, I will still have a chance to raise him/her when Christ comes again.  I am grateful that I am sealed to my husband and children for time and all eternity.  I know we will be together again, if not in this life, then in the next.  I am so in love with my little family.  I am ready for whatever The Lord has in store.  And I will hold my head up high.  I have Faith that what is meant to be, will come to pass.  God is with me through these trials, He is there to lift me up, and I need to let Him do His part.

So to anyone that has suffered loss. May we find peace amidst this trial.  May we feel the warm embrace of a Father in Heaven who is lifting us up to our feet.  May we find the strength to move forward. And along with all of this, it is OK, to mourn the loss, to cry, and to even be a little angry for a little while!

 "Not only does the Atonement of Jesus Christ overcome the effects of the Fall of Adam and make possible the remission of our individual sins and transgressions, but His Atonement also enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities. Most of us know that when we do things wrong and need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives, the Savior has made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. But do we also understand that the Atonement is for faithful men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully? I wonder if we fail to fully acknowledge this strengthening aspect of the Atonement in our lives and mistakenly believe we must carry our load all alone—through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with our obviously limited capacities.

  It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us—not only to guide but also to strengthen and heal us." - Elder David A. Bednar   (Read the whole talk HERE)

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 004

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a seminar for women. It is called Time Out For Women. And I loved it!

My favorite lesson from the weekend was this:  

When God gives you trials, it is because he knows you are ready to grow.

It reminded me of the overload principle I learned when in school.

A training principle that states that in order for adaptation to occur, a greater than normal stress or load on the body is required for training adaptation to take place.^[1] This is done by increasing any parameter of fitness to make the muscles work harder than they are accustomed to (overload). ^[2][3] "For improvement and adaptation to occur the training should be at an intensity where the individual feels some kind of stress and discomfort." ^{[4] (http://athletics.wikia.com/wiki/Overload_Principle)}

It really is just like this!  Our spirits and our bodies are DIRECTLY related to one another.  We must nourish them both equally, and exercise them regularly to be prepared for what our lives have in store.  

And I must say, God must think me pretty buff, because I certainly feel myself lifting a lot these days.  

Being a mom of 4 is totally different than I imagined.  I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into this stage of my life, the being tired, having babies, not being able to accomplish everything I need to in one day part.  I would think about when our kids were a little older and we did fun things together.  Good thing I had no idea what I was getting myself into… lol!  Just kidding… I knew it would be hard, but you can never be prepared for exactly what type of hard it will be at any given time.  You just have to go through it.  

If I want to run a marathon, I have to RUN.  I can’t just build my leg muscles in other ways and expect to run a full marathon without actually running at all in the first place.  

Just like, I can read a bazillion books on parenting, but it will not prepare me for MY children until I put the books down and actually parent them.  God granted me stewardship over these precious spirits.  I have all the tools I need to raise them as HE would have me do.  Studying out of the scriptures, best books, and through the experience of others, will expose me to what those tools are and how to use them.

Life is hard.  Raising kids is harder… staying happily married while doing it is the hardest part.  But it IS possible! 

It is my goal to become who Father intended me to become.  My biggest struggle is letting go of the fact the world will never praise me for the amazing Daughter of God and mother of my children than I am.  I will never be rewarded in the ways of the world. The world sees me as JUST a stay at home mom.  According to them, I am insignificant and I am not making a difference in the world.  According to them, I will never help advance technology, and unless I can brag about the million OTHER things I busy myself with, being JUST a mom will never be enough.  

I feel this way when I am down…  like I should be able to do it all… I shouldn’t feel the need for a housekeeper… I am home all day, so why is my house a mess and why is writing this blog post taking me a week?!  My house should be spotless, my kids should always be clean, my husband should always see a smile on my face.  

Hogwash.

Being JUST a mom is crazy!  The kids make messes while you clean the other ones up, making, eating, and cleaning a meal takes so much longer than one thinks, and you have to do this 3-5 times BEFORE dinner, one kid is always waking up from a nap when the last one finally falls asleep, your husband is confused as to why you are so tired by the end of the day because the house sure holds no reflection of how you were literally on your feet all day and your kids have no idea why you yell at them for complaining about eating a dinner you had no desire to make in the first place, but did because you are their mom and are fully responsible for their nourishment.  You have difficulty sitting down for any period of time because you know there are things that need to get done, but it just feels so good to sit down and you are just so tired and the couch looks so comfortable… wait, gotta get back up….  as kids get older it’s soccer, dance, karate, gymnastics, school, field trips, piano, violin, guitar, football, track, theatre, fencing, and whatever else they dream of wanting.  All of your life is spent giving them the best life experience you can possibly afford.  The funny thing about it is, at least in my short experience as a mom, kids like to do fun things, but most of all, they just like to do fun things with their moms.  My favorite experiences all involve my mom. Whether it was jumping into her bed after a first date to tell her all about it, or taking a trip with her and my sisters.  Quality time is what keeps families together, families that stay together create solid individuals, solid individuals make a difference.  Those resigned to think that anything is more important than being JUST a mom, is mistaken.  That is the foundation for everything.  If you think you could exist any other way, you are wrong.  

After a week of feeling insecure that my job title is JUST Stay At Home Mom I had two good friends - unbeknownst to them- within days of each other, help me shift my paradigm.  (this won’t be the last time this happens, I’m sure)  Both of these women have had careers. They are both moms who became moms in their early 30’s.  One of them is pregnant for the second time.  She was explaining how when this baby is born she will quit her job… her reason is simply that she really loves being a mom and she has way more fun being a mom than working part time.  The other mom made her comment during that weekend at Time Out For Women.  The ladies in our group all stayed up talking Friday night, and a question was asked, something like “Aside from being a mom, what is your one big passion, that if you could do, you would do in a heartbeat?”  We all tried to answer, a couple people said they really never thought of anything else and really loved being moms. But then the other mom told of how she had already had a chance to experience grad school, and a career, and honestly, there is nothing greater to her than just being a mom.  

I realized that, since it is a big struggle for me to fully immerse myself in motherhood, that I need to put more faith and trust in God.  I think too much about all the ‘other’ things that define me.  Which is why I am always reminding myself that I am a mom, and even posting it all over the internet. Mostly because, being a mom is hard….  really hard.   

Which brings me back to this:

When God gives you trials, it is because he knows you are ready to grow. 

And such is life.

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 003

Focusing on the past is a lot like focusing on the negative, often pointless and there is nothing you can do to change it. So focus on the positive, you can always change your future.

Like everyone else, I have a past. And that past comes with quite the amount of emotional and mental baggage. Baggage that has affected several important aspects of my life. I don't care, nor do I need to divulge any details, but what is important to note is that it doesn't matter. 

My past has helped mold me into the person I am today, not because it happened, but because I chose how to let what happened affect me. 

Im a dweller. I dwell on things. I'm also a dreamer. Basically, I like to think a lot. Too much for my own good. And one weakness of mine is playing the 'What if' game. Not so much lately, but at sporadic times in my life I get caught in the snare of wishing things in my past were different. 

This struggle or weakness of mine has really helped me understand the enabling power of the Atonement. If I lay it before The Lord, He will turn this weakness into a strength. I just have to learn where to draw the line in my mind, and just as I can think too much on the negative, I need to overload my brain with the positive. 

Instead Of feeling guilty for all the things I could have done better in the past, I have made a plan and have set goals to be a better woman in the future. 

“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.” 
― J. Sidlow Baxter

Lacy Anne

I will write an awesome post on the family blog about her labor and delivery, but right now I'm just enjoying this sweet new addition to our family.  Miss Lacy finally decided to join us on July 25th, and I'm so glad she did :) 

We are so grateful there were no complications and we were able to go home the next day. I was sad that circumstances didn't allow us to have her at home, but grateful for the comforting power of the priesthood, the spirit, prayer and faith. 

Today I was recalling to Spencer how differently this new baby is being treated in comparison to our first. As chill as we tried to be as first time parents, we let popular opinion and beliefs on how to raise children cloud our instincts. With each new addition we stray further and further away from books and reviews and rely far more heavily on the spirit, scriptures and faith. 

I remember being so paranoid about getting it all wrong. I was worried I would ruin my children if I didn't follow the 'rules' in teaching them independence. We went from structured time of holding and bonding with our baby to pretty much wearing or holding our babies whenever they need/want (except at the stove or when it's not possible). We tried to structure how grandparents got involved, and now, the grandparent disruption from routine is now part of the routine.  We used to stress about the tiniest inconvenience to the nap and bedtime schedule, and now we are like, meh, whatevs. 

I remember reading about how we needed to detach our children ASAP to ensure their independence. I remember reading about how important it was for me to maintain my own identity. Which brings me to my ultimate realization, my babies ARE my identity. My passions and hobbies are all a PART of who I am, and I know there are things I need to be solely my own for sanity purposes, but as far as my identity crisis is concerned, it's over.

Because this right here, is who I am.