Life is Fun. Life is Hard. Life is a Miracle.

I missed my baby today.  I have missed my baby a lot over the past several weeks.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears every quiet moment.  When I first posted about my miscarriage, I really felt like I was in a good place.  Being open about it really helped my initial process of what had just happened.  Little did I know just how much hope I had in the fact that my pregnancy status would soon change. But it has not.  Alas, I have taken 5 pregnancy tests, and then within days, that blasted cycle comes.  This last one left me crying in the shower until all of the hot water ran out, then I waited for my sweet husband to fall asleep and I cried some more.  

I had just found out about a sweet friend losing her sweet little one just a week before.  She had been so helpful to me after my miscarriage.  She had had one recently as well, and when she got pregnant again, although I was a tad jealous, I was so happy for her since she had just recently lost a baby as well.   Then to see her go through the pain of losing another one, that just tipped me over the edge.  She didn't deserve that kind of pain.  It made mine feel obsolete.  So I hid.  I hated myself for feeling sorry for myself.  

Another friend had lost her baby further along in pregnancy as well, we had close due dates, but her baby died after mine did, and even after they found out what they were having.  It was heartbreaking.

So many of my friends are losing babies.  And so many more are having them.  And right now, right in this moment, I am so terribly aware of it all. I just don't want to be.

I miss the cute little baby we were going to have.  I miss that we would have had a name mostly picked out by now. We would be welcoming that sweet little baby into the world any day now.  My amazing kids pray for my belly to get better so a new baby can get in there.  Little do they know that my belly is fine, but there still is no baby... or maybe it is me that doesn't know. Maybe it isn't fine, and my little angels are trying to tell me something.  Who knows.

All I know is that for the next week or so, my smile may be a little more forced, my mind a little distracted, and my tears waiting for a quiet moment.  

This is how it is to be a woman who has lost a baby in utero.  This is what it is like to yearn for the baby that once was.  

Then there is that sacred time that only happens between Husband and Wife....  you know what I am talking about.  And the constant pang of guilt that comes immediately after...  Did it work this time? Am I just going to be disappointed again in a couple weeks?  Why do I even feel bad? This was supposed to be OUR moment, I am getting distracted...  This isn't the time to think about this.  It takes years for some women, and fertility for others, why am I even sad right now?!  This isn't fair to my husband, get back in the moment... be there for him. ... Such a tangle of thoughts....    

Then there are the days that I get frustrated at my children and then wonder why I am still sad.  Isn't it clear I am not cut out for this??  I fail every other day at being patient with my children... sometimes every day.  

Then there are blissful days that I have full faith in my Savior, I feel strong, like I can tackle anything.  Like I KNOW there is a reason for everything, and I am humble and thankful for all that I do have.  

There is nothing like the pain of losing a baby, no matter when the loss happened.  The earlier the loss, the harder it is to identify the pain.  The later the loss, the harder it is for people to talk to you about it.  Sure some people had more time to get used to the idea of having a baby around, but it is still hard!  Some people have more post partum body to show for it, but it is still hard!  Some people have had this happen more than once, but it is still hard!  

Life with my 4 kids is the best busy I will ever experience in this life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love how full my hands are, and I love those sweet faces that smile at me every day.  They are miracles, all 5 of them.  And one day we will know why number 5 didn't have to endure the pains of this life with us.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has helped me cherish all that I have gained as a mother.  Something changed in me.  I have been able to let go of more, and cherish more of what I have.  I have been able to see my children as the individuals they are, and find joy in motherhood in ways I never knew possible.  I have been able to see past things that would have held me up in the past.  I have gained a more intimate knowledge of Christ's Atonement.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has taught me a great deal about Faith in God.  Trust in the Lord. Endure to the end.  "Be ^apatient in ^bafflictions, for thou shalt have many; but ^cendure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the ^dend of thy days." D&C 24:8

I know this isn't one of those 'BIG' afflictions.  Not like losing someone you have been in this mortal life with.   I still have my husband and children to hold.  I am much more grateful that my 'hard' in life is just learning how to stay sane on this mortal journey.  I also know that it is OK to be sad even if  it doesn't feel as hard or as big as someone else's hard or big.  

So that is me right now. A little happy, a little sad, a little bit of a mess, a little more chill, and just a little bit ready to get past this moment in time and welcome a new little baby into the world.  This time, for keeps, OK?

Lessons I Learn as a Young, Mormon Mom 007

Disclaimer:  There is mention of blood and feminine related problems.  Be warned before you read on!  This is most definitely a TMI post.  

Lesson 7: Life is a miracle.  And it is to be cherished when successful, and mourned when lost.

The past 10 days have been the hardest ones of my life.  When I get to what happened you may have thoughts of confusion, perhaps you'll think it is silly.  How can this be the hardest, most distressing thing ever?  I promise that everyone who has been through what I have been through and worse, will understand. 

On May 18th, 2014 I began the process of miscarrying our 5th baby.  We hadn't announced that we were expecting, and weren't planning to until we found out what we were having, or until people just figured it out.  We were SO excited to be having another little one to add to the bunch.  We were starting to really settle into our little family life, and I finally figured out just how much joy there is in motherhood, enough so, that I finally began feeling fulfilled in my role.  All the while, my husband and I kept this wonderful news to ourselves, at least, we tried, but it would not matter.

I remember the thoughts I had as I started bleeding, I wanted so desperately for it to go back in where it belonged.  I didn't want this to be happening.  I knew what was happening, but I still prayed for a miracle.  I went to a midwife friend and she couldn't find a heart beat.  Spencer gave me a blessing, and it was vague but I was promised that my body would do what it needed to do. I went to a Dr. the next day and she did an ultrasound that confirmed that our little bean was no longer with us. No longer 'progressing' is what the doctors say.  And as much as I love how sensitive she was, it was all a matter of fact.  At least she did say it was a baby.  And our baby had stopped progressing around 9 or 10 weeks gestation.  I was supposed to be between 12 and 14, so there was cause for minor concern, but we weren't positive how far along I was either, so we decided to give my body time to do what it needed to do.  

Walking out of the Dr.'s office was the hardest 5 minutes of my life.  All I heard after the confirmation that I was indeed miscarrying was a version of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to me.  All I could think of was that sweet little baby that was no longer with me.  All the dreams and plans Spencer and I were making to welcome this sweet little one into our family.  We had been talking about it for 7 weeks at this point.  The morning before I started bleeding we were making plans of how to tell our kids.  We were deciding when and how to tell our friends and family.  We were deciding how the school year would go so we could take time to adjust to the new addition. We were discussing names.  We were dreaming about how much our kids would love being so close.  Spencer was proud, and I was too.  We were having another baby.  The excitement was overwhelming at times.  I am not sure why I was most excited this time around, perhaps it was because I finally felt like a mom.  I am finally enjoying this phase of my life for what it is, and no longer stressed about what it isn't.  My kids are everything to me.  And I finally understand that I am more than everything to them. At least, I understand it as far as my life experience allows.  

I called my mom on the way to the car.  I cried.  My baby had died, that is what it felt like to me.  I was a mess.  We took our kids over to my parents, and my dad gave me a hug, and I cried some more.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I couldn't believe some people actually do this on purpose.  Somehow the knowledge that some people electively terminate pregnancies made it difficult for me to acknowledge just how empty I felt.  Am I over-reacting? I was torn between, 'oh it's not that serious, you were only in your first trimester,' and 'you just lost your unborn child, your baby died, and it's ok to cry.'

Spencer and I went to dinner with our nearly 10 month old, Lacy.  And we ate crap, because we felt like crap.  I was so grateful he came to the Dr. with me (thanks to my mom for watching my kids).  I had needed him there.  He is amazing to stay by my side.  He loves our babies. He loved the one we lost.  He was sad too.  We know Heavenly Father is with us through these moments.  We have faith that this little spirit will still grace us with their presence.  Just not yet.  That doesn't take away the void, or the emptiness, or the uncertainty I feel at this moment.  That doesn't take away the pain of the loss we are carrying.  

When we picked up our kids I explained to our 5 year old, Alice, what had happened.  And she understood.  I was amazed.  Never underestimate the understanding of a child, or how their love can carry you through very difficult times.

The next day Spencer went to work, and I started cramping more.  And Alice, our 5 year old, continued to wrap her head around everything in her little mind.  Grandma took the two oldest with her for the afternoon, one of my best friends and her sister came to spend the afternoon and evening with me, and Spencer and I were able to get out of the house with his brother for a bit. It was a glorious distraction.  I needed it to prepare me for the next day. 

The next day Spencer decided to work from home.  That is when the real cramps and contractions hit.  It was horrible.  I felt like I was in labor but worse, because I knew there would be no baby, not because it hurt more.  Actually I compare it more to the after birth pains I felt after my 4th.  The ones I would get while I was nursing.  horrible.  painful.  I could've thrown up.  I started losing clots and bleeding quite a bit more. Then, around 5 pm, I lost so much of everything at once.  And the little tiny baby made it's way out of my body.  Perfectly preserved in the water sac.  And as I held this in my hand, I just lost part of my heart. I was amazed at what my body was in the process of doing, but sad that it had stopped doing it. I called Spencer up and we had a moment where we humbly accepted what had just happened.  He helped me get the bleeding under control and we carefully set our little baby aside.  We wanted to find a quiet moment to really understand what just happened. Impossible to have during dinner time.  So he helped me into the shower, and went back to our 4 littles and checked on me periodically.  I will admit, had I not been so involved with previous deliveries and aware of the amount of blood loss involved, I would have seriously panicked.  I was able to stay calm, and stay sharp.  Skills I learned from having 3 of my 4 without pain meds and one of them at home.  Awareness I gained from asking questions and learning all I could about this process.   

I would describe the bleeding and pain to be similar to that of having a baby, but not anywhere near the same.  I know later miscarriages are far worse.  What I experienced was more like an echo to childbirth.  Emotionally, it was terrible.  

Throughout this past week I have had amazing friends reach out and share their own experiences.  I have had so many acts of kindness performed.  Treats brought. Texts sent. And phone calls.  I haven't had much time to blame myself for anything.  

The Atonement is becoming so clear to me.  Christ is with me during these moments.  It is His love that will fill the void right now.  Only He can fully comfort me at this time (with the help of others of course), and only He knows exactly what I am going through.  

I have many things to be grateful for at this time.  I am grateful that I have 4 beautiful babies to help ease me through this loss.  I am grateful for a husband who fully appreciates how difficult this is for me. I am so grateful for the Gospel that teaches me that if I lose a child in this life, I will still have a chance to raise him/her when Christ comes again.  I am grateful that I am sealed to my husband and children for time and all eternity.  I know we will be together again, if not in this life, then in the next.  I am so in love with my little family.  I am ready for whatever The Lord has in store.  And I will hold my head up high.  I have Faith that what is meant to be, will come to pass.  God is with me through these trials, He is there to lift me up, and I need to let Him do His part.

So to anyone that has suffered loss. May we find peace amidst this trial.  May we feel the warm embrace of a Father in Heaven who is lifting us up to our feet.  May we find the strength to move forward. And along with all of this, it is OK, to mourn the loss, to cry, and to even be a little angry for a little while!

 "Not only does the Atonement of Jesus Christ overcome the effects of the Fall of Adam and make possible the remission of our individual sins and transgressions, but His Atonement also enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities. Most of us know that when we do things wrong and need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives, the Savior has made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. But do we also understand that the Atonement is for faithful men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully? I wonder if we fail to fully acknowledge this strengthening aspect of the Atonement in our lives and mistakenly believe we must carry our load all alone—through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with our obviously limited capacities.

  It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us—not only to guide but also to strengthen and heal us." - Elder David A. Bednar   (Read the whole talk HERE)

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 006

As a mother, there's hardly ever anything 'done’ 

You spend most of your days doing, doing, doing, and then sitting down after the whirlwind of the bedtime routing, staring at all there is left to do, with NO ENERGY left to get up and do it.

Cue Self- Doubt and Guilt here.  I can’t get it together, something is wrong with me, I yelled at my kids today, I’m a horrible mother, did I tell my kids I loved them, do they know this? Does my husband?  Oh ya, I’m a wife too… Don’t get me started on that guilt trip.

So being fed up with this nightly routine, I decided it was time to change.  

No more feeling like a failure!  Instead, repeat the mantra, “The more failures, the closer you are to success.”  Someone else said that, I am just not sure who, but that doesn’t matter.  I am a great mom, I am a great wife, and I will be the best me ever!

So I guess I need to accept the fact that nothing as a mother will ever feel ‘done.’ I will always be learning, teaching, growing, cleaning, driving, organizing, singing, playing, laughing, tickling, chasing, loving, reading, dancing, and finding more things to do with all that ’spare’ time I think I have.  

It is time to enjoy the ‘getting it done’ a little less and the ‘doing it’ a little more.  Being a mom is a forever thing.  I need to chillax more.  

Lessons I Learn as a Young, Mormon Mom 005

"I've tried" isn't and excuse for "so now I can give up”

So often I hear this, “Oh, I’ve tried everything and nothing works for me.”  

What is with this mentality??  I have tried all there is to try, I haven't succeeded, therefore, I am defective, so there is no point in trying anymore.  And, at 30 years old, will that lead us to a life worth living??  No wonder depression is such a HUGE issue in my generation.  Too many people think successful people are somehow lucky.  Well, let me nip that one for myself right here. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people, is they didn’t give up!  

I have a goal to stop yelling at my kids, my resolution is to go 365 days with yelling!  So far I have started over several times with the countdown, but in the last two weeks I have only lost it ONCE!!  That is HUGE for me!  There were a few close calls, but still!  My kids are aware that I am trying my best, and they are totally getting it.  My four year old said, “Mommy is going to be a nice mommy, and we need to be nice kids so she can stop yelling.”  WHAT?!  She said that!?  Where did she learn that??  All I told her is that I wanted to be a nice mommy and stop yelling. It is helping that my husband is doing this along with me, too.

Anyway, the point of that is just because something doesn’t workout AT FIRST, doesn’t mean I should just quit.  I need to give my mind a chance, give my body a chance, and let them catch up to my determination.   

I totally needed this reminder, because I have learned this lesson before…  DON’T GIVE UP!

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 004

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a seminar for women. It is called Time Out For Women. And I loved it!

My favorite lesson from the weekend was this:  

When God gives you trials, it is because he knows you are ready to grow.

It reminded me of the overload principle I learned when in school.

A training principle that states that in order for adaptation to occur, a greater than normal stress or load on the body is required for training adaptation to take place.^[1] This is done by increasing any parameter of fitness to make the muscles work harder than they are accustomed to (overload). ^[2][3] "For improvement and adaptation to occur the training should be at an intensity where the individual feels some kind of stress and discomfort." ^{[4] (http://athletics.wikia.com/wiki/Overload_Principle)}

It really is just like this!  Our spirits and our bodies are DIRECTLY related to one another.  We must nourish them both equally, and exercise them regularly to be prepared for what our lives have in store.  

And I must say, God must think me pretty buff, because I certainly feel myself lifting a lot these days.  

Being a mom of 4 is totally different than I imagined.  I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into this stage of my life, the being tired, having babies, not being able to accomplish everything I need to in one day part.  I would think about when our kids were a little older and we did fun things together.  Good thing I had no idea what I was getting myself into… lol!  Just kidding… I knew it would be hard, but you can never be prepared for exactly what type of hard it will be at any given time.  You just have to go through it.  

If I want to run a marathon, I have to RUN.  I can’t just build my leg muscles in other ways and expect to run a full marathon without actually running at all in the first place.  

Just like, I can read a bazillion books on parenting, but it will not prepare me for MY children until I put the books down and actually parent them.  God granted me stewardship over these precious spirits.  I have all the tools I need to raise them as HE would have me do.  Studying out of the scriptures, best books, and through the experience of others, will expose me to what those tools are and how to use them.

Life is hard.  Raising kids is harder… staying happily married while doing it is the hardest part.  But it IS possible! 

It is my goal to become who Father intended me to become.  My biggest struggle is letting go of the fact the world will never praise me for the amazing Daughter of God and mother of my children than I am.  I will never be rewarded in the ways of the world. The world sees me as JUST a stay at home mom.  According to them, I am insignificant and I am not making a difference in the world.  According to them, I will never help advance technology, and unless I can brag about the million OTHER things I busy myself with, being JUST a mom will never be enough.  

I feel this way when I am down…  like I should be able to do it all… I shouldn’t feel the need for a housekeeper… I am home all day, so why is my house a mess and why is writing this blog post taking me a week?!  My house should be spotless, my kids should always be clean, my husband should always see a smile on my face.  

Hogwash.

Being JUST a mom is crazy!  The kids make messes while you clean the other ones up, making, eating, and cleaning a meal takes so much longer than one thinks, and you have to do this 3-5 times BEFORE dinner, one kid is always waking up from a nap when the last one finally falls asleep, your husband is confused as to why you are so tired by the end of the day because the house sure holds no reflection of how you were literally on your feet all day and your kids have no idea why you yell at them for complaining about eating a dinner you had no desire to make in the first place, but did because you are their mom and are fully responsible for their nourishment.  You have difficulty sitting down for any period of time because you know there are things that need to get done, but it just feels so good to sit down and you are just so tired and the couch looks so comfortable… wait, gotta get back up….  as kids get older it’s soccer, dance, karate, gymnastics, school, field trips, piano, violin, guitar, football, track, theatre, fencing, and whatever else they dream of wanting.  All of your life is spent giving them the best life experience you can possibly afford.  The funny thing about it is, at least in my short experience as a mom, kids like to do fun things, but most of all, they just like to do fun things with their moms.  My favorite experiences all involve my mom. Whether it was jumping into her bed after a first date to tell her all about it, or taking a trip with her and my sisters.  Quality time is what keeps families together, families that stay together create solid individuals, solid individuals make a difference.  Those resigned to think that anything is more important than being JUST a mom, is mistaken.  That is the foundation for everything.  If you think you could exist any other way, you are wrong.  

After a week of feeling insecure that my job title is JUST Stay At Home Mom I had two good friends - unbeknownst to them- within days of each other, help me shift my paradigm.  (this won’t be the last time this happens, I’m sure)  Both of these women have had careers. They are both moms who became moms in their early 30’s.  One of them is pregnant for the second time.  She was explaining how when this baby is born she will quit her job… her reason is simply that she really loves being a mom and she has way more fun being a mom than working part time.  The other mom made her comment during that weekend at Time Out For Women.  The ladies in our group all stayed up talking Friday night, and a question was asked, something like “Aside from being a mom, what is your one big passion, that if you could do, you would do in a heartbeat?”  We all tried to answer, a couple people said they really never thought of anything else and really loved being moms. But then the other mom told of how she had already had a chance to experience grad school, and a career, and honestly, there is nothing greater to her than just being a mom.  

I realized that, since it is a big struggle for me to fully immerse myself in motherhood, that I need to put more faith and trust in God.  I think too much about all the ‘other’ things that define me.  Which is why I am always reminding myself that I am a mom, and even posting it all over the internet. Mostly because, being a mom is hard….  really hard.   

Which brings me back to this:

When God gives you trials, it is because he knows you are ready to grow. 

And such is life.

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 003

Focusing on the past is a lot like focusing on the negative, often pointless and there is nothing you can do to change it. So focus on the positive, you can always change your future.

Like everyone else, I have a past. And that past comes with quite the amount of emotional and mental baggage. Baggage that has affected several important aspects of my life. I don't care, nor do I need to divulge any details, but what is important to note is that it doesn't matter. 

My past has helped mold me into the person I am today, not because it happened, but because I chose how to let what happened affect me. 

Im a dweller. I dwell on things. I'm also a dreamer. Basically, I like to think a lot. Too much for my own good. And one weakness of mine is playing the 'What if' game. Not so much lately, but at sporadic times in my life I get caught in the snare of wishing things in my past were different. 

This struggle or weakness of mine has really helped me understand the enabling power of the Atonement. If I lay it before The Lord, He will turn this weakness into a strength. I just have to learn where to draw the line in my mind, and just as I can think too much on the negative, I need to overload my brain with the positive. 

Instead Of feeling guilty for all the things I could have done better in the past, I have made a plan and have set goals to be a better woman in the future. 

“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.” 
― J. Sidlow Baxter

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 002

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

-Helen Keller

CHARACTER IS BUILT SLOWLY, THROUGH MUCH TIME AND EFFORT.

Recently, I've undertaken the task of running a half marathon (13.1 miles.... All at once). Saturdays we have our long runs and there's always a we involved. And usually I'm physically exhausted the rest of the day. I'm fine the next day, after a full night's rest, but the day I run.... I literally cannot push myself.

This morning as we were running, we took a route that had no street lamps and it made the run feel much longer than it was... I kept thinking of this awesome parallel to life. How much easier life is when the way is lit, and how hard it is when it's not.  Then I thought of how much easier it seemed to be with friends. Especially during those dark times. I was taken back to all my awkwardness after baby number 3, when I felt avoided and thought less of because my struggles seemed to get the best of me. Perhaps I think of this time in my life so much because it was sort of a turning point for me. I learned what kind of friend I wanted to be. Running with those awesome ladies reminded me of this. During life's perilous and dark times it is better to have a loved one with you than be alone. 

The other parallel..... Since I'm training for a half, I'm constantly reminded of how slow I am. There is no way to cut corners in training without serious, physical ramifications. You really have to add mileage only one week or so at a time, and speed comes through constantly pushing yourself past your threshold. AND the key to improving is to take breaks/rest days to let your body heal from all the work. 

Parallel time. Character is built much the same way, as are patience, long suffering, faith, testimony and many other principles and self mastery.  In order to improve and grow we must literally engage in the action or principle of desired improvement. You're not gonna wake up one day and be able to just be an awesome person. (Unless you're me ;) it takes constant, diligent, slow effort and far more time than anyone has patience for. And growth comes once we've been pushed or push ourselves past our threshold and then take the time to reflect and ponder the lesson in our trials.

One thing I've learned is that change doesn't happen over night. Faith isn't acquired in a day. In order to build solid faith or character, built on correct principles, you have to live those principles.  You cannot expect to make it to the finish line if you're not even stepping in the right direction.

I'm always intrigued when people think that same actions can yield different results. If I want to look like a runner, I need to run. If I want to conquer a half marathon, I need to train. If I want my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to know I love them, I need to keep the commandments and love those around me. If I want to have good character I need to BE good. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. Time to start anew!