Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 003

Focusing on the past is a lot like focusing on the negative, often pointless and there is nothing you can do to change it. So focus on the positive, you can always change your future.

Like everyone else, I have a past. And that past comes with quite the amount of emotional and mental baggage. Baggage that has affected several important aspects of my life. I don't care, nor do I need to divulge any details, but what is important to note is that it doesn't matter. 

My past has helped mold me into the person I am today, not because it happened, but because I chose how to let what happened affect me. 

Im a dweller. I dwell on things. I'm also a dreamer. Basically, I like to think a lot. Too much for my own good. And one weakness of mine is playing the 'What if' game. Not so much lately, but at sporadic times in my life I get caught in the snare of wishing things in my past were different. 

This struggle or weakness of mine has really helped me understand the enabling power of the Atonement. If I lay it before The Lord, He will turn this weakness into a strength. I just have to learn where to draw the line in my mind, and just as I can think too much on the negative, I need to overload my brain with the positive. 

Instead Of feeling guilty for all the things I could have done better in the past, I have made a plan and have set goals to be a better woman in the future. 

“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.” 
― J. Sidlow Baxter

Letting Go...

Sometimes it is time to just let go of any awkward, unresolved feelings.  Lately, as I have had my 'not so proud' moments, I find that I punish myself by reminding myself of all of my failures as a wife, mom and friend.

Tonight, I am making a better effort to just let it go. To forgive my shortcomings. To continue on my path to being a positive and uplifting influence in the lives of those around me.  I am not perfect. I struggle with this every day, but I will figure this out!

My current goal is to stop yelling... like ever.  I never want to raise my voice again. (check out that awesome link!) I want to be as quiet in my discipline as I possibly can.  Without the TV, the noise level has significantly decreased, and I want to keep it that way.  We feel that for our family, getting rid of the outside noise is a key component to inviting the Spirit into our home. 

"Doing all we can to invite the gentle, guiding influence of the Holy Ghost into our lives is critical in our attempts to center our homes on the Savior. Acting obediently on those promptings strengthens us even more.

Greater peace will come as you couple your efforts to be obedient with serving those around you. So many individuals who have what they perceive to be meager talents humbly and generously use those talents to bless the lives of those around them. Selfishness is the root of great evil. The antidote for that evil is exemplified in the life of the Savior. He shows us how to focus our lives outward in unselfish service to others.

I have learned a truth that has been repeated so frequently in my life that I have come to know it as an absolute law. It defines the way obedience and service relate to the power of God. When we obey the commandments of the Lord and serve His children unselfishly, the natural consequence is power from God—power to do more than we can do by ourselves. Our insights, our talents, our abilities are expanded because we receive strength and power from the Lord. His power is a fundamental component to establishing a home filled with peace." Elder Richard G Scott "For Peace at Home"

The Temple, Texas Thunderstorms and the Third Trimester!

I finally had an opportunity to attend the San Antonio LDS Temple since being back home.  It seems that this is the longest I had been without attending since I first received my recommend.  It was truly a testimony builder for me.  Not only have I been trying to go for quite some time, but when I finally hit the road to actually go, one of the biggest accidents EVER had to take place in my path. Making me miss the session I was to attend, and I still haven't found out all of the details to see if everyone was ok in the accident.... I had left the house with AMPLE time for an accident, but, apparently, not one of this nature. It took me an hour to go less than 8 miles....  an hour. And the temple is 16 miles from our house. 

After a while of being in this traffic I finally call Spencer to see what is going on and where the traffic stops.  Come to find out they are completely directing traffic off the highway because of the accident...  There is no way around it at this point. I am stuck.  So, naturally, being as pregnant as I am, I begin to cry.  I felt so defeated.  I needed to be in that particular session because Spencer and I had a phone conference that evening.  But there was absolutely no way I was going to make it in time for the temple session.  I had prepared as much as possible. The stress level was high when I left because of the upcoming phone meeting and a few other big things happening all at once... cuz that's how we roll, we are overly ambitious I guess...  Anyway, I was just very overwhelmed with the desire to be at the temple and feeling like it was once again being stripped from my grasp.  Spencer sympathized a great deal and we decided that it would be best if I skipped the meeting to go to the later session.  Everything seemed to be coming together...  I was even able to make it in time to grab a nice quiet bite to eat before the session... It turned out better than I had expected.  I truly enjoyed that time to myself, I was able to relax and take the night to myself.  It went from RUSHED to RELAXED in a matter of minutes. And even though it seemed things fell apart since I was home much later, it all ended up working itself out. 

Being able to sit in the temple was amazing.  I was able to pass by the room we were married in 5 years ago, and it flooded my emotions. I was able to visit the room we waited in for an hour while our guests arrived. And the wife of the man who sealed us for time and all eternity was working/volunteering at the temple during my particular session.  I was reminded of that awesome day that changed my life forever. I loved every minute of it.  I love Spencer, and I love that I get to spend forever with him.  We are best friends, and we make really really cute kids.

Today was awesome too.  Amidst the stress of trying to finalize a couple big things, we were able to finally sit back for a moment this evening with our little family and enjoy a nice Texas thunderstorm!  One thing I missed terribly when I lived in Utah was a Texas thunderstorm.  Every time I came to visit I prayed we would get one! They have always had the most calming effect on my soul.  Seriously.  Spencer laughed when he found out.  I am usually watching the clock and making sure things get done as close to routinely as possible...  but when that storm hit, we just sat on the porch and enjoyed it.  And I loved watching Declan experience rain for the first time ever.  He loved it!

Norah and Declan are putting their feet where the rain is falling off the porch.

 Norah is pretty proud of the fact that she is SOAKED!

 Here is Alice soaking in the storm. She was nervous about the first storm she experience a couple weeks ago, but once we explained that lightening is nothing to be afraid of, she has grown to enjoy the storms as much as I have!

 Enjoying the storm on their camp chairs!

 Trying to get their feet wet.

And lastly, on Wednesday a fun pregnancy milestone crept up on me. I am officially in my 3rd trimester.  I can't believe how fast this has gone.  We weren't exactly planning this little one to come quite as soon as she is, but I am so glad it is happening this way. It has been the source of every decision that we made since we got here.  And has been such a great source of strength to our marriage and family.

We had been having promptings for a little while before we decided to let nature take its course. I remember just pleading with the Lord for the strength I needed to bring this baby into the world.  I needed to feel at peace and to be in a place I was comfortable.  And I was trying so hard to let Utah be that place...  I was trying so hard to be OK with it.  I felt almost like a failure when I admitted that I just needed to come home to embrace this task the Lord had placed before me... to be a YOUNG mother, to YOUNG children, all CLOSE in age.  In my mind I kept saying, "If this is what I need to do, I really need to go home or feel like this is home and be able to get over my differences with the dynamic here." (And then Spencer got the job in San Antonio. And now I get to live down the street from my best friend, which is AWESOME!  I mean we used to skype, but that just isn't the same.  Not even close. More on that in another post.)

Anyway, I am so grateful for the fact that my only 'complications' during pregnancy are extreme pain.  It kind of gears me up for labor actually...  I am grateful that my sweet babies all seem to understand that Lacy Anne will be coming and they are excited about it. We are all planning out the birth and learning what will take place. Alice is especially excited that she gets to be here.  She is wise beyond her years. She understands so much more than I thought she would.  Except that this baby is actually going to be mine and not hers... still working on that one.

Life is so full right now.  We have so many choices.  Sometimes it is more than we think we can handle, but one thing is for sure...  as long as we are doing what is right, we will always be blessed, whether we see it or not, the Lord is always on our side when we are on His.


And on another note: I LOVE that we do not have a TV!  More on that later, but it is the best thing we have ever done. Yes, we have Netflix days, but it is not the center of any room in our home, and it's great.  I love it!

Improve the Shining Moments

Sometimes a hymn says it all!

Improve the Shining Moments

1. Improve the shining moments;
Don't let them pass you by.
Work while the sun is radiant;
Work, for the night draws nigh.
We cannot bid the sunbeams
To lengthen out their stay,
Nor can we ask the shadow
To ever stay away.

2. Time flies on wings of lightning;
We cannot call it back.
It comes, then passes forward
Along its onward track.
And if we are not mindful,
The chance will fade away,
For life is quick in passing.
'Tis as a single day.

3. As wintertime doth follow
The pleasant summer days,
So may our joys all vanish
And pass far from our gaze.
Then should we not endeavor
Each day some point to gain,
That we may here be useful
And ev'ry wrong disdain?

4. Improve each shining moment.
In this you are secure,
For promptness bringeth safety
And blessings rich and pure.
Let prudence guide your actions;
Be honest in your heart;
And God will love and bless you
And help to you impart.

Text and music: Robert B. Baird, 1855-1916


As I read these verses, I couldn't help but realize that this is exactly what I have been trying to teach myself lately.

The first verse reminds me to take advantage of the good times, and to work hard and be productive. Trial will surely come, there's no avoiding it.

The second verse, time flies! It will come whether we are prepared for it or not. And there is no going back.

The third verse, well, I'm not a poet, so I may be wrong, but I read it as a way to treat life when it seems like you are just hopelessly in the middle of great trial. When the good times seems so far away that it is hard to be positive. Instead of wallowing, make an effort each day to serve and be useful, and put your wrongs beneath you.... Or just let it all go, in other words. This life is not supposed to be fair, and nobody is perfect... No matter what injustices you have endured, let it go.

And lastly, the fourth verse, great blessings come as we are proactive in improving the shining moments. As we strive to be quick to serve and do the Lord's will, we will protected from the adversary. I read it as more of a challenge.... Like, don't think your way out of selfless service, be quick and prompt to obey and serve. Don't think about how much is going on in your life when the opportunity to serve presents itself, be prompt, and in turn, help will come to you as well. Such is the philosophy, two people can accomplish much more than twice as much as one person can on their own. And, not to mention, all the rich and pure blessings that will come through this kind of service.

I so needed this reminder!

Here are three reasons why:

Blessings

Today was kind of an emotional roller coaster. Half of it I was calm and half I was overwhelmed by the list of things that didn't get done. I decided to end it as calm though.

Who cares about that silly list anyway. Sheesh.

The List has ruined my ability to just relax. Or maybe it's the nesting... Either way it's ridiculous.

My house is not clean, but it's not messy. That needs to be OK and not distracting from what matters.

Like playing Lost in the Woods (hide and seek) with the kids. Or getting them to bed before 7:30 so Spencer and I could spend an evening in. Or just snuggling and watching a movie instead of doing chores.

Anyway, during all of this I was reminded of just how blessed we are. We have gone through so many changes and still we come out on top. We work hard, and do what The Lord asks, and are greatly blessed, not without trial, but with tons of hope for the future.

We have been extremely blessed as a result of our diet changes and how we bring our babies into this world when prompted. So many things guided us to these changes, and I know for a fact that I would not be capable of being productive with my kids while pregnant if my nutrition was terrible. It's like, God knew this, so he placed people and information in my path for the sole purpose if making my body the proper vessel for bringing forth His spirit children into this world. He also knew that it would improve Spencer's mind, such that he would become more valuable in his field and get us to where we needed to be to raise our family... With the most sanity possible.

Through all of this I have learned, God really cares about His children. Including those yet to come. I feel like an instrument. Like all these blessings are here because he cares about the child I'm carrying as much as he cares about me.

Nothing to complain about

I was having an interesting conversation with someone at church today. It left me pretty drained and feeling a little hopeless. I didn't really say much in the conversation, the other person did, but it surely didn't leave a very uplifting atmosphere for my spirit.... I thought back to times when I was that complaining, pessimistic person... Life is hard when you look at things that way, and there never seems to be a solution to your problems. Totally lame.

Today, scrolling through my news feed, struggling to find a way to express how I felt, I read someone's totally inspired status.

"Today I asked someone at church how they were doing. And they said something like, 'good... nothing to complain about... Well, there is stuff I could complain about, but it wouldn't make things any better.'

True. True."

It was perfect! Honest. Real. And positive. At least, I thought so.

Paradigm Shift

One of the most difficult phrases for me to stop saying as a spouse and parent is "You Make Me..."

- You're making me mad!
- You drive me crazy!
- You make me so angry when you don't listen.
- You make me sad when you do this.

This is a terrible phrase.  The reality isn't that anyone makes me anything. I choose to be mad, angry, crazy, frustrated, impatient, sad, etc.  I can ALSO choose, to take a breath, walk away, admit I am losing my patience, change my attitude, and so much more. I can choose to laugh about something, or look at it from an entirely different perspective.

If you have kept up with my blog, you have noticed a trend with all this decision making....  I choose to be what I am and how I feel.  This has proven to be a harder lesson to learn, but I am still learning it.

My visiting teachers (a couple ladies from my church that come and catch-up, visit and share a Christ-like message with me each month) came by yesterday.  The first one that showed up hasn't seen me or visited with me in years (since I have been in Utah for the past 5) so we were catching up quite a bit.  Throughout our conversation I was once again brought back to the subject of choices....  I can choose how to feel about my situation.  I can choose to change my situation. I can choose to look at my situation from a completely different perspective.

Often I find myself thinking in the terms of so and so makes me feel this way, or this event made me feel like that.  I don't do it on purpose, of course.  However, I think that most of the world thinks and acts according to this small perception of life.  That our attitudes and circumstances are affected by how something made us act and feel as we did.  I am not sure if I am making any sense.

What I am trying to say is.... That if I can first change my paradigm, or the way in which I ought to think and act, I will no longer be drawn to use those forbidden phrases.  After all, my children need not grow up to think that they had anything to do with the choices I made. Of course, our choices affect one another, especially within the family unit, but they do not determine our individual actions and choices.

If I stop thinking those things, I will stop feeling those things, or reacting in such a way as to allow my surroundings to change my mood... rather I will change my own surroundings to match the mood I create for myself... make more sense?

Enough rambling.  Stay positive, control my attitude, and things will be better. The end!

Here are the quotes from conference talks that sparked this chain of thought:

"In all of this, I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, The Tongue of Angels General Conference April 2007

"Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed." - President Thomas S Monson, Finding Joy in the Journey General Conference October 2008

And the best for last :)

"Brothers and sisters, no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.

Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts. I love the quote: “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”⁷

We are commanded “to give thanks in all things.”⁸ So isn’t it better to see with our eyes and hearts even the small things we can be thankful for, rather than magnifying the negative in our current condition?

The Lord has promised, “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold.”" - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions General Conference October 2012

It's a good thing relationships are NOT math equations.

I love going out with Spencer when we aren't too tired to talk. I've been struggling with a current situation that I've somehow created for myself, and he really helps me talk it out so I can make sense of things.

A thought I had while conversing tonight is, you can multiply as many positive numbers together and always get a positive answer, but you multiply one negative number in there and the solution then becomes tainted with a silly negative sign (math whizzes, I know two negatives equal a positive but my analogy stops with one).

Much like 100 truths can solidify a theory or hypothesis, but one fallacy causes the entire thing to bust.

Anyway, it's a good thing relationships don't work this way. Or that we have the power to control our perceptions or solutions to problems we face.

It's a good thing that even when someone does or says one wrong or hurtful thing, we have the power to choose the way it will affect us. No one is perfect. Tolerance is a commandment. We should always give the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, a family member said something that I had a really hard time with. It took me two days of really talking it out, praying, focusing on the positive, and trying to understand the other perspective, before I could get rid of all the animosity I felt. Now, I sincerely understand that what I heard was not what they meant. It's a great feeling being able to know that I can let go simply by choosing to be positive. I chose to focus my energy on appreciating the positive components of that time instead of the one negative thing that happened.

It's great to be able to choose your own solutions.

And another thing, sometimes we feel that urge to just blurt things out to another person because we are in the heat of the moment. And most of the time it ends badly. As in the case with my family member... For those two days I just had this letter brewing in my mind that I was determined to write and send. I was going to stick up for myself and really make them feel the rudeness of their comment. But after I got to that point of freedom, after I released myself from the animosity I chose to shackle myself with, I realized that absolutely nothing positive would have come from giving a piece of my mind or even defending myself.

Actually just two days ago... I did give a piece of my mind to an even closer family member, and at the end I vocally admitted that no good came of saying what I thought, I felt no better about anything in our current situation. Further verification that some things should go unsaid. Always.

Anyway. Here's to learning a valuable lesson.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

And lastly, if you have to let it out. Write it on a piece of paper and burn it afterwards... Or, if you like making sail boats out of paper, and a river or stream is close by, watch your bad thoughts and feelings sail away!

Perfect Love

I was driving back to my parents and you know those churches that have quotes up during the week to get you thinking?  There is one just down the street a ways.

Today it read:

PERFECT LOVE
CASTS OUT
SELFISHNESS

I have been thinking about it a lot since I read it.  Often times I focus on being 'less selfish' or 'not selfish at all.' Now, I am going to think of it as 'loving more' or 'loving perfectly.'  I think that is a much easier way to think of it.  Give myself a list of do's instead of do not's.  Anyway, thought I would share that little tidbit!

That. Was. Hard.

Leaving Utah was quite the experience for me this time around.  When I left before, when I was pregnant with Norah, Spencer and I were in a transitionary stage of life.  He had just graduated, and it was the normal thing to do to move away after you graduate. All the people around us were in the same stage of life, so many people in our ward were doing the same thing...  It was no big deal... none of us expected to stick around, especially not stay in a married student ward...  several of us were no longer in that category.  So even the ones who were staying in UT were moving wards....

Anyway, this time around, we hadn't planned on leaving UT...  We had found a house and a neighborhood we thought we would raise our children in.  Even though this past year was a real struggle for me, I thought I would get through it and finally find my place.  I never found where I fit in...  The only people I felt I connected with, felt like misfits themselves... lol! The irony.  I never formed those bonds I thought I would.  Some people barely said hi to me the entire time I lived there.  When I moved in I really put myself out there and introduced myself to a lot of people.  I really tried reaching out the whole time I lived in that house.  When I left, we had a handful of people actually stop and say goodbye... the waves kinda hurt my feelings... like, this wasn't just any ordinary day. And everyone knew I was leaving.... perhaps not the exact day, but they were informed of the timeline... still, no one really stopped or called.  I did get a text here and there, but still...  texts and waves aren't the best for long goodbyes, at least not to me.  Only because when I am texting someone, often times it is because I am not comfortable enough with them to feel like I wouldn't be an intrusion.  Texting is 'safe'... it keeps you at finger-tip length... and you can save face.  I suppose I figured out who my friends were, and where I fit, finally, in those last days.  And even after I left, some good friends showed up on Saturday to help Spencer even though I wasn't even there.

I am glad to say that I learned so much from my 2 years in that house and surrounded by so many amazing people.  I wish I could say I had made any sort of impact while I was there... but I struggle to know whether or not anyone saw me for who I am or what I could contribute. I really had no desire to cry until those last moments.  Or maybe it was just because Kelsey was a basket-case and I wanted so desperately to take her with me!  Perhaps I cried because I would miss Joy and her family so much, and Casey, Lara, the Pedrozas, the Edwards, the Gerbers, Terri and her sweet mom Joanne, and the handful of others that made an impact in my life.  Perhaps I cried because I had harbored a lot of resentment over the last year of reaching out and not really getting anything out of it and then realizing that it wasn't important and I wasted my time being self-conscious.  Those people, the ones who said goodbye, showed me that I did make a difference, that I was worth something. And that is what mattered.

The thought that keeps coming to me, is to just be REAL. Be who I am, and it is ok if I am not perfect, what matters is that I am trying to be.  I am always trying to be better. Always.  Ok so maybe there are times I throw up my hands and wonder 'what's the point?', but it is only for a moment or two and than I get back on track.

I am going to share something personal in hopes that anyone else feeling the same way can receive some amount of comfort in knowing they are not alone. I wrote this a couple of months ago in my journal. "Lately I have been feeling very paranoid about everything I do and say. Ever since that one comment was made this past spring I find myself in constant worry of what others think of me or what I say. Spencer has a job opportunity popping up in Austin and I am so hoping The Lord may finally see it OK for us to go back home. If not, I will make the best of my circumstances, put a smile on my face and no one need be wiser as to my insecurities. I hate feeling this way. I am doing my best to focus on my family, my scriptures and being uplifting to those around me. We shall see what I can make of this. Some great advice I have learned is to keep a positive attitude no matter what I may be going through, and while I thought I was doing this, perhaps I must do better. Just maybe it can take my estranged feelings away."

There has to be a way to be POSITIVE and be REAL. All too often, being real and being negative go hand in hand.  I believe the only way to achieve positive results is to think positively of oneself.  I am practicing this... but it is really really hard.  I know I have a lot of good qualities the Lord would rather me focus on, they are just covered up in my mind by all my shortcomings.  I am hoping I can positively apply all the lessons of these past 2 years into my new life.  I have a fresh start at showing myself that I am worth something, that I can be who I am with confidence, and I know the Lord will guide me every step of the way.  I am resolved to this endeavor. I will find a way to be myself in the most positive and uplifting sense, even when life bogs me down. There is joy in the journey!

And lastly, this thought comes to mind, it is taken from President Thomas S Monson's talk 'Finding Joy in the Journey' given during the October 2008 LDS General Conference, "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

I am hoping I can learn to more fully embrace the gospel into my life.  I am hoping I can truly realize what matters most.  And feel it.  Not just recognize it, but really embrace it.  I love holding my babies close and my husband closer.  I love it when we laugh and play and sing and read.  I love seeing my babies love each other and light up when they are reunited after even the shortest of partings.  I am so blessed to have made amazing friends and done some profound growing over the past years of being away from home.  The past year alone has made me a different person altogether.  For the better.  Here's to another day!

Oh and the hardest part was the drive.  2 adults, 3 babies, 3 days, 1400 miles.  Never. Again. 

Turning a Leaf

I have been ITCHING to get back to my workouts since having been sick for a week.  They make me a better person, a better mom.  I have tried going to gyms in the past, but it takes WAAY too much out of my day to even get there.  Exercise can only be a part of my morning routine, it never makes it's way as a 'To Do' on my list of errands to run, or it is the last thing that gets done (have you EVER done the LAST thing on your To Do list??).  Weeks like this used to throw me OFF the fitness bandwagon...  not this time.  I have turned a new leaf.  I am so glad I did.

Another thing that I have been interested in lately, is how the truly wealthy (not the workaholic kind) look at life and money...  I have been a part of a Financial Fitness Book Club, and it is changing my entire perspective.  The book we are reading this month is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill... I highly recommend it! 

And lastly, I had the most wonderful General Conference Experience.  I am currently studying out the talks given last weekend during this years Semi-Annual General Conference. Along with these talks, the books and scriptures I have been reading, I am deciding on new ways to be, and improvements that will help me function better as a wife and mom, and ways to appreciate my blessings.  I love this time of year!