Paradigm Shift

One of the most difficult phrases for me to stop saying as a spouse and parent is "You Make Me..."

- You're making me mad!
- You drive me crazy!
- You make me so angry when you don't listen.
- You make me sad when you do this.

This is a terrible phrase.  The reality isn't that anyone makes me anything. I choose to be mad, angry, crazy, frustrated, impatient, sad, etc.  I can ALSO choose, to take a breath, walk away, admit I am losing my patience, change my attitude, and so much more. I can choose to laugh about something, or look at it from an entirely different perspective.

If you have kept up with my blog, you have noticed a trend with all this decision making....  I choose to be what I am and how I feel.  This has proven to be a harder lesson to learn, but I am still learning it.

My visiting teachers (a couple ladies from my church that come and catch-up, visit and share a Christ-like message with me each month) came by yesterday.  The first one that showed up hasn't seen me or visited with me in years (since I have been in Utah for the past 5) so we were catching up quite a bit.  Throughout our conversation I was once again brought back to the subject of choices....  I can choose how to feel about my situation.  I can choose to change my situation. I can choose to look at my situation from a completely different perspective.

Often I find myself thinking in the terms of so and so makes me feel this way, or this event made me feel like that.  I don't do it on purpose, of course.  However, I think that most of the world thinks and acts according to this small perception of life.  That our attitudes and circumstances are affected by how something made us act and feel as we did.  I am not sure if I am making any sense.

What I am trying to say is.... That if I can first change my paradigm, or the way in which I ought to think and act, I will no longer be drawn to use those forbidden phrases.  After all, my children need not grow up to think that they had anything to do with the choices I made. Of course, our choices affect one another, especially within the family unit, but they do not determine our individual actions and choices.

If I stop thinking those things, I will stop feeling those things, or reacting in such a way as to allow my surroundings to change my mood... rather I will change my own surroundings to match the mood I create for myself... make more sense?

Enough rambling.  Stay positive, control my attitude, and things will be better. The end!

Here are the quotes from conference talks that sparked this chain of thought:

"In all of this, I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, The Tongue of Angels General Conference April 2007

"Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed." - President Thomas S Monson, Finding Joy in the Journey General Conference October 2008

And the best for last :)

"Brothers and sisters, no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.

Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts. I love the quote: “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”⁷

We are commanded “to give thanks in all things.”⁸ So isn’t it better to see with our eyes and hearts even the small things we can be thankful for, rather than magnifying the negative in our current condition?

The Lord has promised, “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold.”" - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions General Conference October 2012

That. Was. Hard.

Leaving Utah was quite the experience for me this time around.  When I left before, when I was pregnant with Norah, Spencer and I were in a transitionary stage of life.  He had just graduated, and it was the normal thing to do to move away after you graduate. All the people around us were in the same stage of life, so many people in our ward were doing the same thing...  It was no big deal... none of us expected to stick around, especially not stay in a married student ward...  several of us were no longer in that category.  So even the ones who were staying in UT were moving wards....

Anyway, this time around, we hadn't planned on leaving UT...  We had found a house and a neighborhood we thought we would raise our children in.  Even though this past year was a real struggle for me, I thought I would get through it and finally find my place.  I never found where I fit in...  The only people I felt I connected with, felt like misfits themselves... lol! The irony.  I never formed those bonds I thought I would.  Some people barely said hi to me the entire time I lived there.  When I moved in I really put myself out there and introduced myself to a lot of people.  I really tried reaching out the whole time I lived in that house.  When I left, we had a handful of people actually stop and say goodbye... the waves kinda hurt my feelings... like, this wasn't just any ordinary day. And everyone knew I was leaving.... perhaps not the exact day, but they were informed of the timeline... still, no one really stopped or called.  I did get a text here and there, but still...  texts and waves aren't the best for long goodbyes, at least not to me.  Only because when I am texting someone, often times it is because I am not comfortable enough with them to feel like I wouldn't be an intrusion.  Texting is 'safe'... it keeps you at finger-tip length... and you can save face.  I suppose I figured out who my friends were, and where I fit, finally, in those last days.  And even after I left, some good friends showed up on Saturday to help Spencer even though I wasn't even there.

I am glad to say that I learned so much from my 2 years in that house and surrounded by so many amazing people.  I wish I could say I had made any sort of impact while I was there... but I struggle to know whether or not anyone saw me for who I am or what I could contribute. I really had no desire to cry until those last moments.  Or maybe it was just because Kelsey was a basket-case and I wanted so desperately to take her with me!  Perhaps I cried because I would miss Joy and her family so much, and Casey, Lara, the Pedrozas, the Edwards, the Gerbers, Terri and her sweet mom Joanne, and the handful of others that made an impact in my life.  Perhaps I cried because I had harbored a lot of resentment over the last year of reaching out and not really getting anything out of it and then realizing that it wasn't important and I wasted my time being self-conscious.  Those people, the ones who said goodbye, showed me that I did make a difference, that I was worth something. And that is what mattered.

The thought that keeps coming to me, is to just be REAL. Be who I am, and it is ok if I am not perfect, what matters is that I am trying to be.  I am always trying to be better. Always.  Ok so maybe there are times I throw up my hands and wonder 'what's the point?', but it is only for a moment or two and than I get back on track.

I am going to share something personal in hopes that anyone else feeling the same way can receive some amount of comfort in knowing they are not alone. I wrote this a couple of months ago in my journal. "Lately I have been feeling very paranoid about everything I do and say. Ever since that one comment was made this past spring I find myself in constant worry of what others think of me or what I say. Spencer has a job opportunity popping up in Austin and I am so hoping The Lord may finally see it OK for us to go back home. If not, I will make the best of my circumstances, put a smile on my face and no one need be wiser as to my insecurities. I hate feeling this way. I am doing my best to focus on my family, my scriptures and being uplifting to those around me. We shall see what I can make of this. Some great advice I have learned is to keep a positive attitude no matter what I may be going through, and while I thought I was doing this, perhaps I must do better. Just maybe it can take my estranged feelings away."

There has to be a way to be POSITIVE and be REAL. All too often, being real and being negative go hand in hand.  I believe the only way to achieve positive results is to think positively of oneself.  I am practicing this... but it is really really hard.  I know I have a lot of good qualities the Lord would rather me focus on, they are just covered up in my mind by all my shortcomings.  I am hoping I can positively apply all the lessons of these past 2 years into my new life.  I have a fresh start at showing myself that I am worth something, that I can be who I am with confidence, and I know the Lord will guide me every step of the way.  I am resolved to this endeavor. I will find a way to be myself in the most positive and uplifting sense, even when life bogs me down. There is joy in the journey!

And lastly, this thought comes to mind, it is taken from President Thomas S Monson's talk 'Finding Joy in the Journey' given during the October 2008 LDS General Conference, "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

I am hoping I can learn to more fully embrace the gospel into my life.  I am hoping I can truly realize what matters most.  And feel it.  Not just recognize it, but really embrace it.  I love holding my babies close and my husband closer.  I love it when we laugh and play and sing and read.  I love seeing my babies love each other and light up when they are reunited after even the shortest of partings.  I am so blessed to have made amazing friends and done some profound growing over the past years of being away from home.  The past year alone has made me a different person altogether.  For the better.  Here's to another day!

Oh and the hardest part was the drive.  2 adults, 3 babies, 3 days, 1400 miles.  Never. Again. 

Consider the Blessings

I needed this today:

As I have reviewed the past 49 years, I have made some discoveries. One is that countless experiences I have had were not necessarily those one would consider extraordinary. In fact, at the time they transpired, they often seemed unremarkable and even ordinary. And yet, in retrospect, they enriched and blessed lives—not the least of which was my own. I would recommend this same exercise to you—namely, that you take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received. - President Thomas S. Monson

Turning a Leaf

I have been ITCHING to get back to my workouts since having been sick for a week.  They make me a better person, a better mom.  I have tried going to gyms in the past, but it takes WAAY too much out of my day to even get there.  Exercise can only be a part of my morning routine, it never makes it's way as a 'To Do' on my list of errands to run, or it is the last thing that gets done (have you EVER done the LAST thing on your To Do list??).  Weeks like this used to throw me OFF the fitness bandwagon...  not this time.  I have turned a new leaf.  I am so glad I did.

Another thing that I have been interested in lately, is how the truly wealthy (not the workaholic kind) look at life and money...  I have been a part of a Financial Fitness Book Club, and it is changing my entire perspective.  The book we are reading this month is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill... I highly recommend it! 

And lastly, I had the most wonderful General Conference Experience.  I am currently studying out the talks given last weekend during this years Semi-Annual General Conference. Along with these talks, the books and scriptures I have been reading, I am deciding on new ways to be, and improvements that will help me function better as a wife and mom, and ways to appreciate my blessings.  I love this time of year!