The Temple, Texas Thunderstorms and the Third Trimester!

I finally had an opportunity to attend the San Antonio LDS Temple since being back home.  It seems that this is the longest I had been without attending since I first received my recommend.  It was truly a testimony builder for me.  Not only have I been trying to go for quite some time, but when I finally hit the road to actually go, one of the biggest accidents EVER had to take place in my path. Making me miss the session I was to attend, and I still haven't found out all of the details to see if everyone was ok in the accident.... I had left the house with AMPLE time for an accident, but, apparently, not one of this nature. It took me an hour to go less than 8 miles....  an hour. And the temple is 16 miles from our house. 

After a while of being in this traffic I finally call Spencer to see what is going on and where the traffic stops.  Come to find out they are completely directing traffic off the highway because of the accident...  There is no way around it at this point. I am stuck.  So, naturally, being as pregnant as I am, I begin to cry.  I felt so defeated.  I needed to be in that particular session because Spencer and I had a phone conference that evening.  But there was absolutely no way I was going to make it in time for the temple session.  I had prepared as much as possible. The stress level was high when I left because of the upcoming phone meeting and a few other big things happening all at once... cuz that's how we roll, we are overly ambitious I guess...  Anyway, I was just very overwhelmed with the desire to be at the temple and feeling like it was once again being stripped from my grasp.  Spencer sympathized a great deal and we decided that it would be best if I skipped the meeting to go to the later session.  Everything seemed to be coming together...  I was even able to make it in time to grab a nice quiet bite to eat before the session... It turned out better than I had expected.  I truly enjoyed that time to myself, I was able to relax and take the night to myself.  It went from RUSHED to RELAXED in a matter of minutes. And even though it seemed things fell apart since I was home much later, it all ended up working itself out. 

Being able to sit in the temple was amazing.  I was able to pass by the room we were married in 5 years ago, and it flooded my emotions. I was able to visit the room we waited in for an hour while our guests arrived. And the wife of the man who sealed us for time and all eternity was working/volunteering at the temple during my particular session.  I was reminded of that awesome day that changed my life forever. I loved every minute of it.  I love Spencer, and I love that I get to spend forever with him.  We are best friends, and we make really really cute kids.

Today was awesome too.  Amidst the stress of trying to finalize a couple big things, we were able to finally sit back for a moment this evening with our little family and enjoy a nice Texas thunderstorm!  One thing I missed terribly when I lived in Utah was a Texas thunderstorm.  Every time I came to visit I prayed we would get one! They have always had the most calming effect on my soul.  Seriously.  Spencer laughed when he found out.  I am usually watching the clock and making sure things get done as close to routinely as possible...  but when that storm hit, we just sat on the porch and enjoyed it.  And I loved watching Declan experience rain for the first time ever.  He loved it!

Norah and Declan are putting their feet where the rain is falling off the porch.

 Norah is pretty proud of the fact that she is SOAKED!

 Here is Alice soaking in the storm. She was nervous about the first storm she experience a couple weeks ago, but once we explained that lightening is nothing to be afraid of, she has grown to enjoy the storms as much as I have!

 Enjoying the storm on their camp chairs!

 Trying to get their feet wet.

And lastly, on Wednesday a fun pregnancy milestone crept up on me. I am officially in my 3rd trimester.  I can't believe how fast this has gone.  We weren't exactly planning this little one to come quite as soon as she is, but I am so glad it is happening this way. It has been the source of every decision that we made since we got here.  And has been such a great source of strength to our marriage and family.

We had been having promptings for a little while before we decided to let nature take its course. I remember just pleading with the Lord for the strength I needed to bring this baby into the world.  I needed to feel at peace and to be in a place I was comfortable.  And I was trying so hard to let Utah be that place...  I was trying so hard to be OK with it.  I felt almost like a failure when I admitted that I just needed to come home to embrace this task the Lord had placed before me... to be a YOUNG mother, to YOUNG children, all CLOSE in age.  In my mind I kept saying, "If this is what I need to do, I really need to go home or feel like this is home and be able to get over my differences with the dynamic here." (And then Spencer got the job in San Antonio. And now I get to live down the street from my best friend, which is AWESOME!  I mean we used to skype, but that just isn't the same.  Not even close. More on that in another post.)

Anyway, I am so grateful for the fact that my only 'complications' during pregnancy are extreme pain.  It kind of gears me up for labor actually...  I am grateful that my sweet babies all seem to understand that Lacy Anne will be coming and they are excited about it. We are all planning out the birth and learning what will take place. Alice is especially excited that she gets to be here.  She is wise beyond her years. She understands so much more than I thought she would.  Except that this baby is actually going to be mine and not hers... still working on that one.

Life is so full right now.  We have so many choices.  Sometimes it is more than we think we can handle, but one thing is for sure...  as long as we are doing what is right, we will always be blessed, whether we see it or not, the Lord is always on our side when we are on His.


And on another note: I LOVE that we do not have a TV!  More on that later, but it is the best thing we have ever done. Yes, we have Netflix days, but it is not the center of any room in our home, and it's great.  I love it!

Never Take Anything For Granted

The First Lesson:

This past weekend was a growing experience for our little family.  My 2nd cousin's dad passed away from heart failure due to complications from a surgery and previous stroke.  Although, he didn't pass away until last Tuesday, he was basically gone from the moment he had his stroke a couple years ago.  Of course everyone hoped he would make a full recovery, but a week shy of his 61st birthday his heart stopped.  It was a very emotional time for my parents. My dad grew up with both his cousin and her future husband, and he shared many memories with them.  He was a groomsman at their wedding.  When I was little, my 2nd cousin and I were nearly inseparable, but all of that's changed now.  We barely know each other past Facebook, and the last time I saw her was almost 10 years ago.  Wow.  Time flies.

The funeral was a few days after his passing, and unfortunately I was not able to reconnect with the family in attendance due to matters beyond my control. I spent the entire journey back home contemplating the real inconvenience of the matter. Had that not been my first chance to reconnect with my family since my Uncle's passing, I don't think I would have been nearly as bummed.  Yes, we have been living in Utah and visiting hasn't exactly been an option, but it can be now.  I resolved to spend more time figuring out ways to visit family even through the inconvenience of carting my kids around the state.  I should not take this for granted.  Family time here on earth is very short, and it really is the only thing that matters in this life, family I mean.

So my take away from the weekend was to appreciate the time I was able to spend with my Grandpa while we stayed with him, since that was the only extended family member I was really able to spend more than 5 minutes with.  And to appreciate the fun connection that my kids made with their Great-Grandpa!  They love him, and they can't wait to see him again.  So much time has passed since I was their age and couldn't wait to see Grandpa again, and I am so glad my children get enjoy the same joys and anticipations!

I love being close to my family, it is teaching me not to take it for granted... or, perhaps, my time in Utah taught me not to.

The second lesson:

On our way back home from the funeral we found out that a dear friend of mine from Utah had only just found out her youngest son (2 yrs old) has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL).  And the treatments for this are going to be loooong and drastic.  Chemo will start right away and last for years.  There is a hope that he will have a full recovery, with a 90% cure rate, but it is devastating.  Cancer.  This family has always been an example to me, and I love my friend to pieces.  She had her children fairly close, but as I remember her, she always seemed to have it together, even through the chaos of life!

They knew something was up with their son as he was always getting sick, but they never even thought of cancer.... how many parents actually think of that?

The whole world seemed to be narrowing in when I found out.  I had the sudden urge to drop everything to be by her side.  Luckily, we come from a great neighborhood of amazing people all stepping up to help this wonderful family!  But it really taught me that life is really all about family.  We should never take them for granted.  My friend's life will drastically change from here on out, but she has been the greatest example to me of putting family first, she hasn't taken her sweet family for granted, and now she is being blessed with so much support through this difficult time.

Through these stories and experiences I have done a great deal of reflecting.  Family is first and foremost, but friends do help a lot!  I have decided that there is a difference between being positive and being private.  Being completely private through great trials rarely helps me, but being positive is key when sharing anything personal.  I am trying very hard to be a glass half full type of person, and although I am no longer an open book, I have decided that I won't be a closed one either.  Life is too short to sweat the small stuff, and it is too long to go it alone.  Family and friends are here to help one another through this sojourn on the earth.  And what better people can we share our precious time with than those we hold dear!?

I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband and children who love me and help me be a better person! I am blessed to have amazing examples in my family and friends, and so much support!

Life is short! Make it sweet!

That. Was. Hard.

Leaving Utah was quite the experience for me this time around.  When I left before, when I was pregnant with Norah, Spencer and I were in a transitionary stage of life.  He had just graduated, and it was the normal thing to do to move away after you graduate. All the people around us were in the same stage of life, so many people in our ward were doing the same thing...  It was no big deal... none of us expected to stick around, especially not stay in a married student ward...  several of us were no longer in that category.  So even the ones who were staying in UT were moving wards....

Anyway, this time around, we hadn't planned on leaving UT...  We had found a house and a neighborhood we thought we would raise our children in.  Even though this past year was a real struggle for me, I thought I would get through it and finally find my place.  I never found where I fit in...  The only people I felt I connected with, felt like misfits themselves... lol! The irony.  I never formed those bonds I thought I would.  Some people barely said hi to me the entire time I lived there.  When I moved in I really put myself out there and introduced myself to a lot of people.  I really tried reaching out the whole time I lived in that house.  When I left, we had a handful of people actually stop and say goodbye... the waves kinda hurt my feelings... like, this wasn't just any ordinary day. And everyone knew I was leaving.... perhaps not the exact day, but they were informed of the timeline... still, no one really stopped or called.  I did get a text here and there, but still...  texts and waves aren't the best for long goodbyes, at least not to me.  Only because when I am texting someone, often times it is because I am not comfortable enough with them to feel like I wouldn't be an intrusion.  Texting is 'safe'... it keeps you at finger-tip length... and you can save face.  I suppose I figured out who my friends were, and where I fit, finally, in those last days.  And even after I left, some good friends showed up on Saturday to help Spencer even though I wasn't even there.

I am glad to say that I learned so much from my 2 years in that house and surrounded by so many amazing people.  I wish I could say I had made any sort of impact while I was there... but I struggle to know whether or not anyone saw me for who I am or what I could contribute. I really had no desire to cry until those last moments.  Or maybe it was just because Kelsey was a basket-case and I wanted so desperately to take her with me!  Perhaps I cried because I would miss Joy and her family so much, and Casey, Lara, the Pedrozas, the Edwards, the Gerbers, Terri and her sweet mom Joanne, and the handful of others that made an impact in my life.  Perhaps I cried because I had harbored a lot of resentment over the last year of reaching out and not really getting anything out of it and then realizing that it wasn't important and I wasted my time being self-conscious.  Those people, the ones who said goodbye, showed me that I did make a difference, that I was worth something. And that is what mattered.

The thought that keeps coming to me, is to just be REAL. Be who I am, and it is ok if I am not perfect, what matters is that I am trying to be.  I am always trying to be better. Always.  Ok so maybe there are times I throw up my hands and wonder 'what's the point?', but it is only for a moment or two and than I get back on track.

I am going to share something personal in hopes that anyone else feeling the same way can receive some amount of comfort in knowing they are not alone. I wrote this a couple of months ago in my journal. "Lately I have been feeling very paranoid about everything I do and say. Ever since that one comment was made this past spring I find myself in constant worry of what others think of me or what I say. Spencer has a job opportunity popping up in Austin and I am so hoping The Lord may finally see it OK for us to go back home. If not, I will make the best of my circumstances, put a smile on my face and no one need be wiser as to my insecurities. I hate feeling this way. I am doing my best to focus on my family, my scriptures and being uplifting to those around me. We shall see what I can make of this. Some great advice I have learned is to keep a positive attitude no matter what I may be going through, and while I thought I was doing this, perhaps I must do better. Just maybe it can take my estranged feelings away."

There has to be a way to be POSITIVE and be REAL. All too often, being real and being negative go hand in hand.  I believe the only way to achieve positive results is to think positively of oneself.  I am practicing this... but it is really really hard.  I know I have a lot of good qualities the Lord would rather me focus on, they are just covered up in my mind by all my shortcomings.  I am hoping I can positively apply all the lessons of these past 2 years into my new life.  I have a fresh start at showing myself that I am worth something, that I can be who I am with confidence, and I know the Lord will guide me every step of the way.  I am resolved to this endeavor. I will find a way to be myself in the most positive and uplifting sense, even when life bogs me down. There is joy in the journey!

And lastly, this thought comes to mind, it is taken from President Thomas S Monson's talk 'Finding Joy in the Journey' given during the October 2008 LDS General Conference, "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

I am hoping I can learn to more fully embrace the gospel into my life.  I am hoping I can truly realize what matters most.  And feel it.  Not just recognize it, but really embrace it.  I love holding my babies close and my husband closer.  I love it when we laugh and play and sing and read.  I love seeing my babies love each other and light up when they are reunited after even the shortest of partings.  I am so blessed to have made amazing friends and done some profound growing over the past years of being away from home.  The past year alone has made me a different person altogether.  For the better.  Here's to another day!

Oh and the hardest part was the drive.  2 adults, 3 babies, 3 days, 1400 miles.  Never. Again. 

Overwhelmed With Gratitude

You know that moment when you are packing all of your belongings and you feel like you have come so far and then you look past all the packed boxes and see everything not in a box?? Ya, I have had that moment at least a hundred times over the past 10 days.

I think Heavenly Father creates uncomfortable situations for us... or at least allows them... so that we will seek the changes that will put us on the path He wants us on. Right before the LDS General Relief Society meeting I was visiting with a friend who recently moved about an hour away (since the General meeting was in Salt Lake and she moved just north of there), her words really comforted me during my internal struggle with my situation at the time.  I seriously felt like a fish out of water.... Anyway, she said (in regards to her own reason for moving), "I think that The Lord puts us in uncomfortable situations when it is time to change our surroundings." Further, "why would anyone move if they were completely comfortable exactly where they were, why would that thought even cross their mind?" It made me feel a ton better about considering moving back home... In reality, I am a younger mom than almost all of my neighbors and friends out here and they have all since moved past my particular stage of life (the 'let's get the kids out of the house so we can have our sanity back' stage) and are literally in the 'running around from one thing to another ALL day' stage! So, understandably, they cherish those quiet 'alone' moments any moment they can because they hardly get them! It's like recovering from a whirlwind just thinking about it. And those days may not be far off for me. 

Anyway, so, awesome, I felt like it was OK to look forward to going home... And then I went to the actual RS meeting and was like SUPER close to the Prophet. A lot of things were said that had me resolved to be OK staying, I even texted Spencer that night, "Maybe we should stay." As in stay in Utah... AND I talked with a good friend that night in the car on the way home and she almost confirmed my feelings that staying would be OK. 

It is at these times, we draw closer to The Lord and seek His guidance and council and only He can establish and re-establish that healthy balance between body, mind, and Spirit, and also the relationships between family and friends.

I can literally tell you, that every time I was surrounded by any of my friends before and after this time had me feeling a complete 180 about staying or going. I was so confused.  If I stayed, wouldn't I be like a way stronger person because I learned how to just go it all alone and rely only on The Lord and my own wits to get me through the struggles of motherhood? By alone, I mean without my family. I had plenty of friends… but... you know how it is…  with friends it just isn't the same, especially when you are already so close to your family.

I have always felt that friends may come and go, but families are FOREVER!  And my family, quite literally, will last me just that long.  True, some are blessed to have friends that feel like family, and we are blessed to have those even here...  The pull to be closer to family is just too strong for me. It sure has been nice to have Spencer's brother and extended family to visit with these past 5 years!  We certainly have grown closer to them! For that I am so grateful.

Anyway, throughout this time I talked a lot with my best friend back home, and we really isolated a lot of my issues with living here.... I am away from my closest friends and especially my family. Ok so maybe two issues…  oh and the long, cold winters… not a fan.  Although, it is a GREAT place to visit! lol! And now we will have awesome people to connect with when we do!! 

I remember that when we had first moved into this neighborhood we just knew and felt that we had finally made it to where we were supposed to be.... I was so happy to be surrounded my such AMAZING people, and they really are AMAZING! You won't find a better group! We really felt like our kids would grow up here. For whatever reason, this is no longer where we need to be.  I have learned so much from everyone here, and these last 2 years have proved to be life-altering!  We have really settled into how we want to be as a family and how to incorporate the Gospel as the center of our lives.  Spencer and I have drawn so much closer to each other and especially to The Lord, and we continue to do so.

I have learned a lot about choices, consequences, and what matters most.

What matters most to me is my family.  I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted my children to KNOW their grandparents and cousins and Aunts and Uncles, to learn from them.  I want them to feel that strong family bond.  I am so happy to be going home. And I am SO grateful this is what The Lord has in store for my family at this time!  And I am SO grateful for the life-changing lessons I have learned as a result of the experiences I have had here.

Now I Know and That is That.

This summer has been something of a pivotal moment in my life.  I had no idea turning 25 meant that I quite literally had to grow up!  Haha!

It was full of stresses, heartaches, milestones, and loneliness.  But I have grown so much because of it.  It is a bittersweet moment when one feels at peace with and even grateful for their hardest trials.

What I have learned from this most recent struggle of life is:

1) People can't always take what they give - even if you can be there through another's struggles, it is wise to stay close to the Lord on your own.

2) Try never to ignore a prompting - no matter how hard your own trials may be, you aren't following the Lord's council when you ignore his heeds. In fact, following a prompting may alleviate your own trials, those of the person in need, and help you draw closer to your Savior in your time of need.

3)  There is no way to read minds, but actions speak louder than words.

4)  Only the Savior truly knows what I am going through.  No matter how much I seek council and guidance from those that have experienced similar hardships in life, only the Lord can really speak to my spirit and fill that need.  Through these people he sometimes forms a mouthpiece, but often times peace and answers comes during the quiet moments we are alone and seeking His guidance thoroughly in our lives.

5)  I am blessed with an amazing Eternal Companion who loves me in all my moments.  Yes, some moments are a little more annoying than others, but he loves me all the same.

6)  I have children that look up to me, love me unconditionally, and rely on me for stability and comfort.  They depend on me completely, I cannot distract myself with nonsense.

7)  I never want to hear that I put someone else in the shoes I filled this past summer, and I hope to never make another negative comment about someone especially when I feel wronged or justified. I need to give the benefit of the doubt.

8)  'Friend' is a very relative term, and is used way too loosely.  I am feeling very cynical about this subject right now.

9) Being pregnant 3 times in 3 years really throws someone's hormones out of whack, I didn't know what depression was until after I had my 1st baby....  Now I want more than anything to forget it!

10) Telling the truth doesn't mean you need to give all the back story... avoid sharing your struggles during a moment that is intended to be uplifting. The Lord knows our struggles, often times conversations will be enlightening to our current struggles, without indulging in our own self-pity.

So through all of this I have had to come to peace with the fact that most relationships are best kept at arms length. And there will be only 1 or 2 that will surpass that, including your spouse.  If you can say that you have at least one TRUE friend when you die, you had a good life.

I would like to say, that if I died today, I have a good life!

Oh Friends

Being home for a visit gave me a different perspective on what's important in life.

I left Utah feeling like I didn't really have any close friends. I have friends, but I didn't really feel that emotional connection one misses when they are away. I know there are a handful of people that I care about and vice versa, but I still felt out of place.

Since being back I have determined that in order to feel differently I guess I need to wedge my way in to the social circles and figure out where I fit in. It hasn't been easy so far, but we will see what happens. I guess life is just too busy for Utahns cuz when I try to get people together it just doesn't really work out... Oh well.

I miss my friends and family. Alas, at least I have fond memories to look back upon.

On another note, I learned a helpful insight during Sunday School while I was home.

The Lord allows us to make choices according to our agency. Through the Atonement we can be spared the harsh consequences of others' bad choices, IF the Lord sees fit. I know He has the power to spare us harsh consequences, but it may not be His will for me at the given time.