Memorial Day

I think this is the first Memorial Day I have spent with a wounded soldier.  It is creating new meaning.  I am so grateful for Jeremy, and his sacrifice.  Because of him, my brother-in-law was able to come home alive to my sister, and over 25 other men's lives were spared.   He almost lost his life.  Last summer he was nearing the end of his tour in Afghanistan, he had just a couple weeks left before he came home... for reasons only our Heavenly Father can explain, he had all of his protective gear on and was headed out of their little compound to speak to another soldier about a possible shift change.   It was then that a rogue Afghani soldier was headed their direction.  He had his gun.... an automatic rifle that shot 200 rounds per minute.  Jeremy and this soldier locked eyes. Jeremy knew his intentions.  He didn't even have a moment to pull up his weapon before he was disabled and on the ground.  He was shot 12 times in a matter of seconds and suffered 20 or so bullet wounds (some of which are STILL healing).  This soldier decided not to finish his job, turned around, and ran. Several other soldiers were shot as well, but Jeremy took the brunt of it.  I am so grateful to the soldiers, including my brother-in-law, who kept him alive and literally saved his life.  He is such a great person.  My kids love him, and Alice is always talking about him to other people, an how "he got shot from the bad guys".  Little does she know now, that his sacrifice has brought so many blessings.  Jeremy is a fighter.  He has been such an example of selflessness to me.  He is remarkably humble, and wants so badly to be a husband and father.  He loves my kids and they love him. Well, we all love Jeremy!

Have a Great Memorial Day! And let us take a moment to remember what it is all about!

Paradigm Shift

One of the most difficult phrases for me to stop saying as a spouse and parent is "You Make Me..."

- You're making me mad!
- You drive me crazy!
- You make me so angry when you don't listen.
- You make me sad when you do this.

This is a terrible phrase.  The reality isn't that anyone makes me anything. I choose to be mad, angry, crazy, frustrated, impatient, sad, etc.  I can ALSO choose, to take a breath, walk away, admit I am losing my patience, change my attitude, and so much more. I can choose to laugh about something, or look at it from an entirely different perspective.

If you have kept up with my blog, you have noticed a trend with all this decision making....  I choose to be what I am and how I feel.  This has proven to be a harder lesson to learn, but I am still learning it.

My visiting teachers (a couple ladies from my church that come and catch-up, visit and share a Christ-like message with me each month) came by yesterday.  The first one that showed up hasn't seen me or visited with me in years (since I have been in Utah for the past 5) so we were catching up quite a bit.  Throughout our conversation I was once again brought back to the subject of choices....  I can choose how to feel about my situation.  I can choose to change my situation. I can choose to look at my situation from a completely different perspective.

Often I find myself thinking in the terms of so and so makes me feel this way, or this event made me feel like that.  I don't do it on purpose, of course.  However, I think that most of the world thinks and acts according to this small perception of life.  That our attitudes and circumstances are affected by how something made us act and feel as we did.  I am not sure if I am making any sense.

What I am trying to say is.... That if I can first change my paradigm, or the way in which I ought to think and act, I will no longer be drawn to use those forbidden phrases.  After all, my children need not grow up to think that they had anything to do with the choices I made. Of course, our choices affect one another, especially within the family unit, but they do not determine our individual actions and choices.

If I stop thinking those things, I will stop feeling those things, or reacting in such a way as to allow my surroundings to change my mood... rather I will change my own surroundings to match the mood I create for myself... make more sense?

Enough rambling.  Stay positive, control my attitude, and things will be better. The end!

Here are the quotes from conference talks that sparked this chain of thought:

"In all of this, I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, The Tongue of Angels General Conference April 2007

"Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed." - President Thomas S Monson, Finding Joy in the Journey General Conference October 2008

And the best for last :)

"Brothers and sisters, no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.

Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts. I love the quote: “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”⁷

We are commanded “to give thanks in all things.”⁸ So isn’t it better to see with our eyes and hearts even the small things we can be thankful for, rather than magnifying the negative in our current condition?

The Lord has promised, “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold.”" - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Regrets and Resolutions General Conference October 2012

Almost Reunited

As Spencer and I's anniversary approaches I find myself reflecting a lot over the many changes we have gone through during our short 5 years together.  But they have been a FULL 5 years!  We have had 3 kids in that 5 years.  We have gotten Spencer through school. We have moved across country... 4 times...  We have purchased our first home and 3 cars (not at the same time).  Spencer has been Elder's Quorum President for a year (during the transition from a couple to a family). Oh and a Scoutmaster for 2. We have COMPLETELY changed how we eat. And we have made some AMAZING friends.

So much more has happened, but the point is, I am so glad we have eternity together!  I love this man, and he makes me happier than I could have ever hoped for.... he also drives me crazier than anyone ever will, but that is the best part!  Well, the best part is, that we love each other so much through our imperfections that I am becoming a better person. I want to be a better person.  I want to show him I love him as much, if not more, than he shows me.  He's great!  I can't wait to see him!  Being apart this past week has been killer!!

Overwhelmed With Gratitude

You know that moment when you are packing all of your belongings and you feel like you have come so far and then you look past all the packed boxes and see everything not in a box?? Ya, I have had that moment at least a hundred times over the past 10 days.

I think Heavenly Father creates uncomfortable situations for us... or at least allows them... so that we will seek the changes that will put us on the path He wants us on. Right before the LDS General Relief Society meeting I was visiting with a friend who recently moved about an hour away (since the General meeting was in Salt Lake and she moved just north of there), her words really comforted me during my internal struggle with my situation at the time.  I seriously felt like a fish out of water.... Anyway, she said (in regards to her own reason for moving), "I think that The Lord puts us in uncomfortable situations when it is time to change our surroundings." Further, "why would anyone move if they were completely comfortable exactly where they were, why would that thought even cross their mind?" It made me feel a ton better about considering moving back home... In reality, I am a younger mom than almost all of my neighbors and friends out here and they have all since moved past my particular stage of life (the 'let's get the kids out of the house so we can have our sanity back' stage) and are literally in the 'running around from one thing to another ALL day' stage! So, understandably, they cherish those quiet 'alone' moments any moment they can because they hardly get them! It's like recovering from a whirlwind just thinking about it. And those days may not be far off for me. 

Anyway, so, awesome, I felt like it was OK to look forward to going home... And then I went to the actual RS meeting and was like SUPER close to the Prophet. A lot of things were said that had me resolved to be OK staying, I even texted Spencer that night, "Maybe we should stay." As in stay in Utah... AND I talked with a good friend that night in the car on the way home and she almost confirmed my feelings that staying would be OK. 

It is at these times, we draw closer to The Lord and seek His guidance and council and only He can establish and re-establish that healthy balance between body, mind, and Spirit, and also the relationships between family and friends.

I can literally tell you, that every time I was surrounded by any of my friends before and after this time had me feeling a complete 180 about staying or going. I was so confused.  If I stayed, wouldn't I be like a way stronger person because I learned how to just go it all alone and rely only on The Lord and my own wits to get me through the struggles of motherhood? By alone, I mean without my family. I had plenty of friends… but... you know how it is…  with friends it just isn't the same, especially when you are already so close to your family.

I have always felt that friends may come and go, but families are FOREVER!  And my family, quite literally, will last me just that long.  True, some are blessed to have friends that feel like family, and we are blessed to have those even here...  The pull to be closer to family is just too strong for me. It sure has been nice to have Spencer's brother and extended family to visit with these past 5 years!  We certainly have grown closer to them! For that I am so grateful.

Anyway, throughout this time I talked a lot with my best friend back home, and we really isolated a lot of my issues with living here.... I am away from my closest friends and especially my family. Ok so maybe two issues…  oh and the long, cold winters… not a fan.  Although, it is a GREAT place to visit! lol! And now we will have awesome people to connect with when we do!! 

I remember that when we had first moved into this neighborhood we just knew and felt that we had finally made it to where we were supposed to be.... I was so happy to be surrounded my such AMAZING people, and they really are AMAZING! You won't find a better group! We really felt like our kids would grow up here. For whatever reason, this is no longer where we need to be.  I have learned so much from everyone here, and these last 2 years have proved to be life-altering!  We have really settled into how we want to be as a family and how to incorporate the Gospel as the center of our lives.  Spencer and I have drawn so much closer to each other and especially to The Lord, and we continue to do so.

I have learned a lot about choices, consequences, and what matters most.

What matters most to me is my family.  I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted my children to KNOW their grandparents and cousins and Aunts and Uncles, to learn from them.  I want them to feel that strong family bond.  I am so happy to be going home. And I am SO grateful this is what The Lord has in store for my family at this time!  And I am SO grateful for the life-changing lessons I have learned as a result of the experiences I have had here.