Random Bed Rest Post....

So, if we are Facebook friends, you already know that I am stuck on bed rest. I had started a post over a week ago, before all of this started:

I am down to the end!  These are the most painful 6 weeks of the entire pregnancy.  But they all lead to one amazing thing... my baby!  I cannot wait to meet this little one!

I have been reflecting a LOT on what kind of mother I want to be these days.  I am anticipating quite a shift in energy levels once this baby comes.  But I am determined to do better at keeping it together.  And I will make it OK, this time, to have some hard days.  I am getting a bit nervous.  The last two pregnancies I have had a hard time with Post Partum Depression, but I think it is because of all the unnecessary pressure I put on myself to jump right back into 'normal.'  I know I will want that again this time, but I have slowly been shifting my 'normal' to be more of a constant state of flux (that's for those trekkies :).

As long as my main priorities as a wife and mother are met, I know we will be just fine through this transition.

I am constantly being reminded of what matters most.  I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be down the street from my best friend.  Best friends really do make a huge difference in a woman's life, especially mine.  Especially when you are going through the same stage of life at the same time.

I never finished that post, but little did I know that a week later I would start going into labor.  It was pretty scary, and, ironically, started with the last full moon on June 23rd...  coincidence? Maybe.  So for the next week and a half I am going through every herb and oil I can (not all of them are included in the picture), and I am really beginning to enjoy this wonderful view of my neighbors window... Oh well, pretty soon life will pick up again, and I will miss this quiet time.

When my labor initially started, I figured I needed to drink more water... so I was.  For the next two days I felt changes in my body that I wasn't particularly fond of... especially when the baby dropped.  Finally, on Wednesday I call my midwife. She comes, and checks, and puts my on modified bed rest.  Apparently, modified bed rest wasn't enough.  24 hours later, more progress, more contractions, and more stress led to plain old bed rest... I can't even take a shower but every 2-3 days. I can do nothing actually... And if you know me... I don't really make a habit of sitting still... ever.  This is beginning to be a true test of patience, one I never imagined going through.

My pregnancies are highly uneventful, aside from the excessive amounts of back pain due to some chronic lower back issues.  But even still, that isn't entirely uncommon.  So for my body to start going into labor early, threw me off!  I mean I know the month leading up to this was FAR more busy than it probably should have been, but I really did my best not to over do it.  So either I failed, or Lacy is proving to be a little pistol and wants to come at the world full force!

Whatever the reason for this experience, I am drawn to recognize the blessings in all of it.  I keep thinking back to when I was pregnant with Norah (my 2nd), and I started really diving into the world of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I wanted a clear understanding of what 'normal' really was according to a woman's body, not popular opinion or belief.  On this road I have come to some amazing conclusions that despite the joy of a pain free delivery, or one that is pushed along with synthetic hormones, my body is already equipped with everything it needs to bring this child into this world.  Heaven forbid I spend more than 24 hours in labor (as it stands now, I have already spent a week in labor... even if it hasn't hit that real 'active' labor as the medical industry likes to call it, since I am still under 6 cm).  The knowledge I have gained to this point has provided me with so much peace... and trust me I have been plenty afraid and panicked this past week...   I know this little one isn't ready yet!  I keep thinking about how if I was any other woman, I would have taken that fear I felt and checked into the hospital when I first started going into labor.  They would have probably sent me home, but with absolutely no tools, other than taking it easy, to slow my labor down. Actually, I don't even know that they would have even recommended I slow down or take it easy at this point anyway.  In TX, they won't stop labor after 32 weeks. Seeing as I am 35, they would have just let the baby come.  Anyway, the point is, that I know the risks, I know that now is not the time, and despite the fact that Dr's and hospitals can handle a preemie, I don't want a preemie.  I feel so blessed to have been drawn to all of the information that has helped me maintain a mindset to keep this baby IN to the best of my abilities.  And if she still decides to come, fine.  But at least I will KNOW, that I am doing everything in MY power to make sure she is the healthiest baby possible!

It is amazing how The Lord will expose us to the information we need for a trial or obstacle, before we will need it.  As long as we do what is right, and remain faithful, He will direct our path!  What a testimony builder for me that my Heavenly Father really does watch over and protect me and my children!  I feel confident that everything will work out, and that this baby will be a wonderful addition to our family!  I will be so excited when she comes, and I know that sitting here in absolute boredom will feel like a second compared to all the joy we will share when she is a part of our family!

Why Am I Healthy??

Why did I choose to change my lifestyle and be healthy??  Well, I might not go into the long list here, or maybe I will... it seems to keep growing....  But I finally put my mind to it because I wanted to be a fit and healthy wife and mom.  I won't lie and say vanity wasn't part of it at all.... when I thought I was going to throw up because the workout was SUPER intense, I would think about how I wanted people to look at all of my kids and then look at me and wonder to themselves if they all came out of my body.

But my main reasons were to have energy to handle all that life threw at me.  There is a certain stigma with stay at home moms, "you stay at home, so you should be able to take care of it all, I mean what else do you do all day?"  And I wanted to make sure I was doing everything I COULD so that when I got to the end of the day I still had energy to PLAY with my kids.

I see so many moms just exhausted and unhealthy and sick and tired ALL the time, and their kids are sick a lot too.  But having the energy to laugh and dance and play with your kids, not only improves YOUR health, but it improves theirs as well. It creates family bonds that cannot be broken and some awesome memories!

I imagine that if I play with my kids now, not only will I learn their awesome personalities and quirks, but they will learn mine too.  We will be best friends, and when they hit their teenage years, I won't regret not having spent more time with them when we had it.

I also want to have enough energy at the end of the day to spend time with my husband as his WIFE, not just the mother of his children.  I want to be able to engage with him like he needs me too, not just hit the floor in exhaustion every night.  That way, when I really am exhausted, I don't feel guilty and he doesn't feel deprived of his wife.  As a result, he plays a much bigger role helping with the kids, because he cares and sees that it is hard work.  He feels more inclined to help because he knows I am not lazy and I am doing everything in my power to do my best.  Likewise, when the house is a mess, he helps clean it! Because he sees that me playing with the kids is FAR more important than cleaning the house.  And strong family bonds are what we will carry with us through the years.

I want to be healthy so I know I have done everything in my power to fight cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and every other diet and lifestyle related illness.  So if that day were to ever come, and I were to have contracted some terminal illness, I KNOW it is the Lord's will, and that I didn't bring it on, or at least I didn't help or abet it in anyway.

I want to be healthy so that when I am a grandma, I can help my kids get through this most difficult stage of raising kids...  that I will actually be able to help my daughters and daughter in law adjust to motherhood.... that I will be able to have the energy to help them with those first all-nighters, whether it be on the phone as they cry wondering what they are doing wrong, or in person giving them a night to sleep and recover as I take over for the night.

I want to be healthy so that Spencer and I can go on missions when we grow up!  And I want to go somewhere AWESOME, and I can't do that if I am all medicated and falling apart!

Most of all, I want to be healthy, so that my family will be too, so I can really provide them the best life I possibly can.

And, so you see, this is why I reach out to so many people to help coach them to a healthier life.  I have found so much joy in embracing a healthier lifestyle.  And my family is so much closer, and so much happier because mama's happy!

Anyway, I don't believe in quick fixes or fad diets. I believe in eating FOOD, and being active! I believe in self-discipline, and taking action to get and stay healthy.  I believe only I am responsible for my success, and only I am to blame for my failures.  This isn't an easy life to start living, it has many hurdles and setbacks in the beginning, but in time, your body and mind are strengthened to the point that you can begin to cross them on your own.  It is my job to help people, well, coach people, through them in the beginning.

If anything, I know reminding myself of this only improves my desire to remain healthy.  But hopefully it will inspire other's to do the same!

"Better" is Relative

Everyone is sooo different when it comes to expectations.

The other day I stopped and pondered an important question for right now in my life, "What does 'better' look like to me?"

The family and I have officially hit survival mode for the remainder of the pregnancy and the subsequent 'post partum period of adjustment'....  so for the next 6-8 months, expectations really just need to take a back seat. From this end, that seems like a long time.... but looking back to the last time we did this, it will go by fast...  Or it will feel like it did when it is over.

Anyway, as we hit this stage of bringing littles into the world, Spencer and I really have to work hard to keep our heads above water.  Being home is helpful, but it's not a cure-all, catch-all.  In some ways, this time is harder, and others it is easier.  For me, it is harder in the sense that I KNOW this isn't the last time we are going to go through this.  It is easier because there are so many things for the kiddos to do to exhaust them into early bedtimes and daily naps or quiet times.  It is also easier being in much better shape this time around.

Today I had my 32/33 week midwife appt, and we scheduled our next visit and the home visit.  I got all the info to order my birthing kit... and I have 3 weeks left in which to get it all ordered to be here in time.

So, all in all, reality is setting in. I find myself really struggling to be OK with our current circumstances, and with the very natural state of my body and mind.  I know this will pass, so that should be what I tell myself in those moments of chaos... but I don't. I give myself such a hard time when it comes to not being able to get it all done.  Like, my family shouldn't suffer or take a back seat because pregnancy is taking it's toll!  I should be able to perform almost normally.  All that should change is the size of belly!  Not my emotions, not the state of my house (Finally had to hire some help on that one), not the ability my joints have to hold my body together, just my belly...  But I guess it is more fun this way.  Having everything you choose to do at this stage of pregnancy be completely determined by all things pregnancy related (do I really have what it takes to clean that mess? Do I really want to cook that meal since it takes longer than 20 minutes? Do I really want to take the kids to the park in 90 degree heat when I will have to be bending over picking up Declan every 5 minutes, or running to his rescue because he wants to run off the side of the play equipment? Can I even fit in the play equipment? And where is the nearest bathroom? Should I pack a snack? I digress...).

So back to the question.  What does 'better' look like to me?  Because I want to find how to make this stage of life better. Especially since this isn't the last time we've gotta get through this.  And if I can find a solution to this stage, I can apply it to everything and every other stage of life.

Some ideas I had come up with were pretty awesome! But then it came down to just a few simple things:

Read
Pray
Go To Church

Read my scriptures on my own, with my family, and with Spencer.

Pray morning, midday, and night. Over my meals, for my sanity, for my children, family, and for my husband. (the order might be a little skewed according to my current situation)

Go to church every week ready to learn! Attend any uplifting meetings that are available to me.  And find people to serve, so I can get out of my own head, and do some good in the world.

The other things I thought of, to name a few, were: go to the pool, go to Sea World, go to story time, do crafts, organize a moms night out... but honestly, they take a lot more effort, and provide a smaller return on investment... Except the moms night out... not sure you can find a better group of ladies than the wonderful friends I have made here! But when I look at the big picture... what is the BEST way to combat the ever changing ebbs and flows?  Keeping the Lord as my foundation in life.

One final thought that summed this all up for me: Sometimes Heavenly  Father calms the storm, but sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms us. 

Memorial Day

I think this is the first Memorial Day I have spent with a wounded soldier.  It is creating new meaning.  I am so grateful for Jeremy, and his sacrifice.  Because of him, my brother-in-law was able to come home alive to my sister, and over 25 other men's lives were spared.   He almost lost his life.  Last summer he was nearing the end of his tour in Afghanistan, he had just a couple weeks left before he came home... for reasons only our Heavenly Father can explain, he had all of his protective gear on and was headed out of their little compound to speak to another soldier about a possible shift change.   It was then that a rogue Afghani soldier was headed their direction.  He had his gun.... an automatic rifle that shot 200 rounds per minute.  Jeremy and this soldier locked eyes. Jeremy knew his intentions.  He didn't even have a moment to pull up his weapon before he was disabled and on the ground.  He was shot 12 times in a matter of seconds and suffered 20 or so bullet wounds (some of which are STILL healing).  This soldier decided not to finish his job, turned around, and ran. Several other soldiers were shot as well, but Jeremy took the brunt of it.  I am so grateful to the soldiers, including my brother-in-law, who kept him alive and literally saved his life.  He is such a great person.  My kids love him, and Alice is always talking about him to other people, an how "he got shot from the bad guys".  Little does she know now, that his sacrifice has brought so many blessings.  Jeremy is a fighter.  He has been such an example of selflessness to me.  He is remarkably humble, and wants so badly to be a husband and father.  He loves my kids and they love him. Well, we all love Jeremy!

Have a Great Memorial Day! And let us take a moment to remember what it is all about!

Letting Go...

Sometimes it is time to just let go of any awkward, unresolved feelings.  Lately, as I have had my 'not so proud' moments, I find that I punish myself by reminding myself of all of my failures as a wife, mom and friend.

Tonight, I am making a better effort to just let it go. To forgive my shortcomings. To continue on my path to being a positive and uplifting influence in the lives of those around me.  I am not perfect. I struggle with this every day, but I will figure this out!

My current goal is to stop yelling... like ever.  I never want to raise my voice again. (check out that awesome link!) I want to be as quiet in my discipline as I possibly can.  Without the TV, the noise level has significantly decreased, and I want to keep it that way.  We feel that for our family, getting rid of the outside noise is a key component to inviting the Spirit into our home. 

"Doing all we can to invite the gentle, guiding influence of the Holy Ghost into our lives is critical in our attempts to center our homes on the Savior. Acting obediently on those promptings strengthens us even more.

Greater peace will come as you couple your efforts to be obedient with serving those around you. So many individuals who have what they perceive to be meager talents humbly and generously use those talents to bless the lives of those around them. Selfishness is the root of great evil. The antidote for that evil is exemplified in the life of the Savior. He shows us how to focus our lives outward in unselfish service to others.

I have learned a truth that has been repeated so frequently in my life that I have come to know it as an absolute law. It defines the way obedience and service relate to the power of God. When we obey the commandments of the Lord and serve His children unselfishly, the natural consequence is power from God—power to do more than we can do by ourselves. Our insights, our talents, our abilities are expanded because we receive strength and power from the Lord. His power is a fundamental component to establishing a home filled with peace." Elder Richard G Scott "For Peace at Home"

Laundry

Don't you just strongly dislike when you fall behind on the laundry? 

I try so hard to get in the habit of doing one load a day... As our family grows this is becoming increasingly important yet difficult to achieve. 

So it is, that keeping up with the laundry is the perfect metaphor for my life right now. 

So much of my sanity comes from consistency in the little things. Scripture study, prayers morning and night, journaling, exercise, husband time, play time with the babies, small and simple acts of kindness and service are among the things that if I do them daily I can maintain a positive spirit in our home.

Now.... Do I do these things?! ....sometimes.... What is the result of this??? Not sanity I can assure you... Try narcissistic, neurotic, borderline bipolar.... Etc. 

This. Must. Change. And it starts with me! 

Now, back to the laundry. One load at a time. 

The Temple, Texas Thunderstorms and the Third Trimester!

I finally had an opportunity to attend the San Antonio LDS Temple since being back home.  It seems that this is the longest I had been without attending since I first received my recommend.  It was truly a testimony builder for me.  Not only have I been trying to go for quite some time, but when I finally hit the road to actually go, one of the biggest accidents EVER had to take place in my path. Making me miss the session I was to attend, and I still haven't found out all of the details to see if everyone was ok in the accident.... I had left the house with AMPLE time for an accident, but, apparently, not one of this nature. It took me an hour to go less than 8 miles....  an hour. And the temple is 16 miles from our house. 

After a while of being in this traffic I finally call Spencer to see what is going on and where the traffic stops.  Come to find out they are completely directing traffic off the highway because of the accident...  There is no way around it at this point. I am stuck.  So, naturally, being as pregnant as I am, I begin to cry.  I felt so defeated.  I needed to be in that particular session because Spencer and I had a phone conference that evening.  But there was absolutely no way I was going to make it in time for the temple session.  I had prepared as much as possible. The stress level was high when I left because of the upcoming phone meeting and a few other big things happening all at once... cuz that's how we roll, we are overly ambitious I guess...  Anyway, I was just very overwhelmed with the desire to be at the temple and feeling like it was once again being stripped from my grasp.  Spencer sympathized a great deal and we decided that it would be best if I skipped the meeting to go to the later session.  Everything seemed to be coming together...  I was even able to make it in time to grab a nice quiet bite to eat before the session... It turned out better than I had expected.  I truly enjoyed that time to myself, I was able to relax and take the night to myself.  It went from RUSHED to RELAXED in a matter of minutes. And even though it seemed things fell apart since I was home much later, it all ended up working itself out. 

Being able to sit in the temple was amazing.  I was able to pass by the room we were married in 5 years ago, and it flooded my emotions. I was able to visit the room we waited in for an hour while our guests arrived. And the wife of the man who sealed us for time and all eternity was working/volunteering at the temple during my particular session.  I was reminded of that awesome day that changed my life forever. I loved every minute of it.  I love Spencer, and I love that I get to spend forever with him.  We are best friends, and we make really really cute kids.

Today was awesome too.  Amidst the stress of trying to finalize a couple big things, we were able to finally sit back for a moment this evening with our little family and enjoy a nice Texas thunderstorm!  One thing I missed terribly when I lived in Utah was a Texas thunderstorm.  Every time I came to visit I prayed we would get one! They have always had the most calming effect on my soul.  Seriously.  Spencer laughed when he found out.  I am usually watching the clock and making sure things get done as close to routinely as possible...  but when that storm hit, we just sat on the porch and enjoyed it.  And I loved watching Declan experience rain for the first time ever.  He loved it!

Norah and Declan are putting their feet where the rain is falling off the porch.

 Norah is pretty proud of the fact that she is SOAKED!

 Here is Alice soaking in the storm. She was nervous about the first storm she experience a couple weeks ago, but once we explained that lightening is nothing to be afraid of, she has grown to enjoy the storms as much as I have!

 Enjoying the storm on their camp chairs!

 Trying to get their feet wet.

And lastly, on Wednesday a fun pregnancy milestone crept up on me. I am officially in my 3rd trimester.  I can't believe how fast this has gone.  We weren't exactly planning this little one to come quite as soon as she is, but I am so glad it is happening this way. It has been the source of every decision that we made since we got here.  And has been such a great source of strength to our marriage and family.

We had been having promptings for a little while before we decided to let nature take its course. I remember just pleading with the Lord for the strength I needed to bring this baby into the world.  I needed to feel at peace and to be in a place I was comfortable.  And I was trying so hard to let Utah be that place...  I was trying so hard to be OK with it.  I felt almost like a failure when I admitted that I just needed to come home to embrace this task the Lord had placed before me... to be a YOUNG mother, to YOUNG children, all CLOSE in age.  In my mind I kept saying, "If this is what I need to do, I really need to go home or feel like this is home and be able to get over my differences with the dynamic here." (And then Spencer got the job in San Antonio. And now I get to live down the street from my best friend, which is AWESOME!  I mean we used to skype, but that just isn't the same.  Not even close. More on that in another post.)

Anyway, I am so grateful for the fact that my only 'complications' during pregnancy are extreme pain.  It kind of gears me up for labor actually...  I am grateful that my sweet babies all seem to understand that Lacy Anne will be coming and they are excited about it. We are all planning out the birth and learning what will take place. Alice is especially excited that she gets to be here.  She is wise beyond her years. She understands so much more than I thought she would.  Except that this baby is actually going to be mine and not hers... still working on that one.

Life is so full right now.  We have so many choices.  Sometimes it is more than we think we can handle, but one thing is for sure...  as long as we are doing what is right, we will always be blessed, whether we see it or not, the Lord is always on our side when we are on His.


And on another note: I LOVE that we do not have a TV!  More on that later, but it is the best thing we have ever done. Yes, we have Netflix days, but it is not the center of any room in our home, and it's great.  I love it!