I have to say, looking for a place to live is not my favorite thing... I know I would be happy with any house above my price range, so what? It is very hard to be objective when I am emotionally compromised. It is times like these, where I suppose I should sit down and really think about what is most important. But, sitting down right now is not an option. Our lives have been so full of change these last 5 years that I am just not certain of a whole lot right now... do we find a house that will suit our needs for right now, or do we try to get into a place for the long haul?
We really don't want to move again anytime soon, but past experience has taught us to be prepared for change.... all the time!
Just last week I found out we are expecting AGAIN. And even though we are both really excited (and apparently not waiting to let the world know) it proves my point.
I was reflecting on just how much we have accomplished these last 5 years... or changed... or added... and I was thinking about how many couples dissolve over the slightest amount of change.... and we have only drawn closer through it all. I really love my life. It feels like a whirlwind most of the time, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Being back home, I have a lot of people tell me I've got my hands full... so far no one says it in a negative way, just an observant one. It helps that my kids are cute and Alice is so social. Anyway, I can only imagine what people will say when I have another one.. lol...
Ok I suppose since I am finally sitting down, I ought to get to that list.... or a nap.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Sooo Tired
You know those days when you are going strong all day and then you sit down and feel like you haven't slept in a few days? Today has been one of those days.
Although, I am too excited to sleep!
Spencer gets in at 3 am, but I know I won't make it until then, I probably won't even make it to 9. But I am too excited to see him :)
I think I am going to try and conjure up a 'healthy' snack and pick a movie to fall asleep to, so I am close to the front door when he comes in.
Today has been so full of getting things in motion to buy a house. We even looked at a few today! I was excited and I have to say, the one that is under contract... I kinda hope it falls through, because I want THAT one! The kitchen was FULL of cabinets and cupboards and tons of granite counter space. It was awesome! Anyway, some day I will have a glorious kitchen. Someday. For now I just need one that I can spend all day in... because let's be honest... I really spend most days in the kitchen.... Anyway, I know the right house will pop up for the right price, but at least we have narrowed down the where! I can't wait to move. I can't wait to be settled! But most of all, I can't wait to be together!
K off to pick a movie! or a book... hmmm. decisions...
Although, I am too excited to sleep!
Spencer gets in at 3 am, but I know I won't make it until then, I probably won't even make it to 9. But I am too excited to see him :)
I think I am going to try and conjure up a 'healthy' snack and pick a movie to fall asleep to, so I am close to the front door when he comes in.
Today has been so full of getting things in motion to buy a house. We even looked at a few today! I was excited and I have to say, the one that is under contract... I kinda hope it falls through, because I want THAT one! The kitchen was FULL of cabinets and cupboards and tons of granite counter space. It was awesome! Anyway, some day I will have a glorious kitchen. Someday. For now I just need one that I can spend all day in... because let's be honest... I really spend most days in the kitchen.... Anyway, I know the right house will pop up for the right price, but at least we have narrowed down the where! I can't wait to move. I can't wait to be settled! But most of all, I can't wait to be together!
K off to pick a movie! or a book... hmmm. decisions...
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Almost Reunited
As Spencer and I's anniversary approaches I find myself reflecting a lot over the many changes we have gone through during our short 5 years together. But they have been a FULL 5 years! We have had 3 kids in that 5 years. We have gotten Spencer through school. We have moved across country... 4 times... We have purchased our first home and 3 cars (not at the same time). Spencer has been Elder's Quorum President for a year (during the transition from a couple to a family). Oh and a Scoutmaster for 2. We have COMPLETELY changed how we eat. And we have made some AMAZING friends.
So much more has happened, but the point is, I am so glad we have eternity together! I love this man, and he makes me happier than I could have ever hoped for.... he also drives me crazier than anyone ever will, but that is the best part! Well, the best part is, that we love each other so much through our imperfections that I am becoming a better person. I want to be a better person. I want to show him I love him as much, if not more, than he shows me. He's great! I can't wait to see him! Being apart this past week has been killer!!
So much more has happened, but the point is, I am so glad we have eternity together! I love this man, and he makes me happier than I could have ever hoped for.... he also drives me crazier than anyone ever will, but that is the best part! Well, the best part is, that we love each other so much through our imperfections that I am becoming a better person. I want to be a better person. I want to show him I love him as much, if not more, than he shows me. He's great! I can't wait to see him! Being apart this past week has been killer!!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
That. Was. Hard.
Leaving Utah was quite the experience for me this time around. When I left before, when I was pregnant with Norah, Spencer and I were in a transitionary stage of life. He had just graduated, and it was the normal thing to do to move away after you graduate. All the people around us were in the same stage of life, so many people in our ward were doing the same thing... It was no big deal... none of us expected to stick around, especially not stay in a married student ward... several of us were no longer in that category. So even the ones who were staying in UT were moving wards....
Anyway, this time around, we hadn't planned on leaving UT... We had found a house and a neighborhood we thought we would raise our children in. Even though this past year was a real struggle for me, I thought I would get through it and finally find my place. I never found where I fit in... The only people I felt I connected with, felt like misfits themselves... lol! The irony. I never formed those bonds I thought I would. Some people barely said hi to me the entire time I lived there. When I moved in I really put myself out there and introduced myself to a lot of people. I really tried reaching out the whole time I lived in that house. When I left, we had a handful of people actually stop and say goodbye... the waves kinda hurt my feelings... like, this wasn't just any ordinary day. And everyone knew I was leaving.... perhaps not the exact day, but they were informed of the timeline... still, no one really stopped or called. I did get a text here and there, but still... texts and waves aren't the best for long goodbyes, at least not to me. Only because when I am texting someone, often times it is because I am not comfortable enough with them to feel like I wouldn't be an intrusion. Texting is 'safe'... it keeps you at finger-tip length... and you can save face. I suppose I figured out who my friends were, and where I fit, finally, in those last days. And even after I left, some good friends showed up on Saturday to help Spencer even though I wasn't even there.
I am glad to say that I learned so much from my 2 years in that house and surrounded by so many amazing people. I wish I could say I had made any sort of impact while I was there... but I struggle to know whether or not anyone saw me for who I am or what I could contribute. I really had no desire to cry until those last moments. Or maybe it was just because Kelsey was a basket-case and I wanted so desperately to take her with me! Perhaps I cried because I would miss Joy and her family so much, and Casey, Lara, the Pedrozas, the Edwards, the Gerbers, Terri and her sweet mom Joanne, and the handful of others that made an impact in my life. Perhaps I cried because I had harbored a lot of resentment over the last year of reaching out and not really getting anything out of it and then realizing that it wasn't important and I wasted my time being self-conscious. Those people, the ones who said goodbye, showed me that I did make a difference, that I was worth something. And that is what mattered.
The thought that keeps coming to me, is to just be REAL. Be who I am, and it is ok if I am not perfect, what matters is that I am trying to be. I am always trying to be better. Always. Ok so maybe there are times I throw up my hands and wonder 'what's the point?', but it is only for a moment or two and than I get back on track.
I am going to share something personal in hopes that anyone else feeling the same way can receive some amount of comfort in knowing they are not alone. I wrote this a couple of months ago in my journal. "Lately I have been feeling very paranoid about everything I do and say. Ever since that one comment was made this past spring I find myself in constant worry of what others think of me or what I say. Spencer has a job opportunity popping up in Austin and I am so hoping The Lord may finally see it OK for us to go back home. If not, I will make the best of my circumstances, put a smile on my face and no one need be wiser as to my insecurities. I hate feeling this way. I am doing my best to focus on my family, my scriptures and being uplifting to those around me. We shall see what I can make of this. Some great advice I have learned is to keep a positive attitude no matter what I may be going through, and while I thought I was doing this, perhaps I must do better. Just maybe it can take my estranged feelings away."
There has to be a way to be POSITIVE and be REAL. All too often, being real and being negative go hand in hand. I believe the only way to achieve positive results is to think positively of oneself. I am practicing this... but it is really really hard. I know I have a lot of good qualities the Lord would rather me focus on, they are just covered up in my mind by all my shortcomings. I am hoping I can positively apply all the lessons of these past 2 years into my new life. I have a fresh start at showing myself that I am worth something, that I can be who I am with confidence, and I know the Lord will guide me every step of the way. I am resolved to this endeavor. I will find a way to be myself in the most positive and uplifting sense, even when life bogs me down. There is joy in the journey!
And lastly, this thought comes to mind, it is taken from President Thomas S Monson's talk 'Finding Joy in the Journey' given during the October 2008 LDS General Conference, "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."
I am hoping I can learn to more fully embrace the gospel into my life. I am hoping I can truly realize what matters most. And feel it. Not just recognize it, but really embrace it. I love holding my babies close and my husband closer. I love it when we laugh and play and sing and read. I love seeing my babies love each other and light up when they are reunited after even the shortest of partings. I am so blessed to have made amazing friends and done some profound growing over the past years of being away from home. The past year alone has made me a different person altogether. For the better. Here's to another day!
Oh and the hardest part was the drive. 2 adults, 3 babies, 3 days, 1400 miles. Never. Again.
Anyway, this time around, we hadn't planned on leaving UT... We had found a house and a neighborhood we thought we would raise our children in. Even though this past year was a real struggle for me, I thought I would get through it and finally find my place. I never found where I fit in... The only people I felt I connected with, felt like misfits themselves... lol! The irony. I never formed those bonds I thought I would. Some people barely said hi to me the entire time I lived there. When I moved in I really put myself out there and introduced myself to a lot of people. I really tried reaching out the whole time I lived in that house. When I left, we had a handful of people actually stop and say goodbye... the waves kinda hurt my feelings... like, this wasn't just any ordinary day. And everyone knew I was leaving.... perhaps not the exact day, but they were informed of the timeline... still, no one really stopped or called. I did get a text here and there, but still... texts and waves aren't the best for long goodbyes, at least not to me. Only because when I am texting someone, often times it is because I am not comfortable enough with them to feel like I wouldn't be an intrusion. Texting is 'safe'... it keeps you at finger-tip length... and you can save face. I suppose I figured out who my friends were, and where I fit, finally, in those last days. And even after I left, some good friends showed up on Saturday to help Spencer even though I wasn't even there.
I am glad to say that I learned so much from my 2 years in that house and surrounded by so many amazing people. I wish I could say I had made any sort of impact while I was there... but I struggle to know whether or not anyone saw me for who I am or what I could contribute. I really had no desire to cry until those last moments. Or maybe it was just because Kelsey was a basket-case and I wanted so desperately to take her with me! Perhaps I cried because I would miss Joy and her family so much, and Casey, Lara, the Pedrozas, the Edwards, the Gerbers, Terri and her sweet mom Joanne, and the handful of others that made an impact in my life. Perhaps I cried because I had harbored a lot of resentment over the last year of reaching out and not really getting anything out of it and then realizing that it wasn't important and I wasted my time being self-conscious. Those people, the ones who said goodbye, showed me that I did make a difference, that I was worth something. And that is what mattered.
The thought that keeps coming to me, is to just be REAL. Be who I am, and it is ok if I am not perfect, what matters is that I am trying to be. I am always trying to be better. Always. Ok so maybe there are times I throw up my hands and wonder 'what's the point?', but it is only for a moment or two and than I get back on track.
I am going to share something personal in hopes that anyone else feeling the same way can receive some amount of comfort in knowing they are not alone. I wrote this a couple of months ago in my journal. "Lately I have been feeling very paranoid about everything I do and say. Ever since that one comment was made this past spring I find myself in constant worry of what others think of me or what I say. Spencer has a job opportunity popping up in Austin and I am so hoping The Lord may finally see it OK for us to go back home. If not, I will make the best of my circumstances, put a smile on my face and no one need be wiser as to my insecurities. I hate feeling this way. I am doing my best to focus on my family, my scriptures and being uplifting to those around me. We shall see what I can make of this. Some great advice I have learned is to keep a positive attitude no matter what I may be going through, and while I thought I was doing this, perhaps I must do better. Just maybe it can take my estranged feelings away."
There has to be a way to be POSITIVE and be REAL. All too often, being real and being negative go hand in hand. I believe the only way to achieve positive results is to think positively of oneself. I am practicing this... but it is really really hard. I know I have a lot of good qualities the Lord would rather me focus on, they are just covered up in my mind by all my shortcomings. I am hoping I can positively apply all the lessons of these past 2 years into my new life. I have a fresh start at showing myself that I am worth something, that I can be who I am with confidence, and I know the Lord will guide me every step of the way. I am resolved to this endeavor. I will find a way to be myself in the most positive and uplifting sense, even when life bogs me down. There is joy in the journey!
And lastly, this thought comes to mind, it is taken from President Thomas S Monson's talk 'Finding Joy in the Journey' given during the October 2008 LDS General Conference, "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."
I am hoping I can learn to more fully embrace the gospel into my life. I am hoping I can truly realize what matters most. And feel it. Not just recognize it, but really embrace it. I love holding my babies close and my husband closer. I love it when we laugh and play and sing and read. I love seeing my babies love each other and light up when they are reunited after even the shortest of partings. I am so blessed to have made amazing friends and done some profound growing over the past years of being away from home. The past year alone has made me a different person altogether. For the better. Here's to another day!
Oh and the hardest part was the drive. 2 adults, 3 babies, 3 days, 1400 miles. Never. Again.
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