Life is Fun. Life is Hard. Life is a Miracle.

I missed my baby today.  I have missed my baby a lot over the past several weeks.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears every quiet moment.  When I first posted about my miscarriage, I really felt like I was in a good place.  Being open about it really helped my initial process of what had just happened.  Little did I know just how much hope I had in the fact that my pregnancy status would soon change. But it has not.  Alas, I have taken 5 pregnancy tests, and then within days, that blasted cycle comes.  This last one left me crying in the shower until all of the hot water ran out, then I waited for my sweet husband to fall asleep and I cried some more.  

I had just found out about a sweet friend losing her sweet little one just a week before.  She had been so helpful to me after my miscarriage.  She had had one recently as well, and when she got pregnant again, although I was a tad jealous, I was so happy for her since she had just recently lost a baby as well.   Then to see her go through the pain of losing another one, that just tipped me over the edge.  She didn't deserve that kind of pain.  It made mine feel obsolete.  So I hid.  I hated myself for feeling sorry for myself.  

Another friend had lost her baby further along in pregnancy as well, we had close due dates, but her baby died after mine did, and even after they found out what they were having.  It was heartbreaking.

So many of my friends are losing babies.  And so many more are having them.  And right now, right in this moment, I am so terribly aware of it all. I just don't want to be.

I miss the cute little baby we were going to have.  I miss that we would have had a name mostly picked out by now. We would be welcoming that sweet little baby into the world any day now.  My amazing kids pray for my belly to get better so a new baby can get in there.  Little do they know that my belly is fine, but there still is no baby... or maybe it is me that doesn't know. Maybe it isn't fine, and my little angels are trying to tell me something.  Who knows.

All I know is that for the next week or so, my smile may be a little more forced, my mind a little distracted, and my tears waiting for a quiet moment.  

This is how it is to be a woman who has lost a baby in utero.  This is what it is like to yearn for the baby that once was.  

Then there is that sacred time that only happens between Husband and Wife....  you know what I am talking about.  And the constant pang of guilt that comes immediately after...  Did it work this time? Am I just going to be disappointed again in a couple weeks?  Why do I even feel bad? This was supposed to be OUR moment, I am getting distracted...  This isn't the time to think about this.  It takes years for some women, and fertility for others, why am I even sad right now?!  This isn't fair to my husband, get back in the moment... be there for him. ... Such a tangle of thoughts....    

Then there are the days that I get frustrated at my children and then wonder why I am still sad.  Isn't it clear I am not cut out for this??  I fail every other day at being patient with my children... sometimes every day.  

Then there are blissful days that I have full faith in my Savior, I feel strong, like I can tackle anything.  Like I KNOW there is a reason for everything, and I am humble and thankful for all that I do have.  

There is nothing like the pain of losing a baby, no matter when the loss happened.  The earlier the loss, the harder it is to identify the pain.  The later the loss, the harder it is for people to talk to you about it.  Sure some people had more time to get used to the idea of having a baby around, but it is still hard!  Some people have more post partum body to show for it, but it is still hard!  Some people have had this happen more than once, but it is still hard!  

Life with my 4 kids is the best busy I will ever experience in this life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love how full my hands are, and I love those sweet faces that smile at me every day.  They are miracles, all 5 of them.  And one day we will know why number 5 didn't have to endure the pains of this life with us.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has helped me cherish all that I have gained as a mother.  Something changed in me.  I have been able to let go of more, and cherish more of what I have.  I have been able to see my children as the individuals they are, and find joy in motherhood in ways I never knew possible.  I have been able to see past things that would have held me up in the past.  I have gained a more intimate knowledge of Christ's Atonement.  

I am grateful for the loss because it has taught me a great deal about Faith in God.  Trust in the Lord. Endure to the end.  "Be ^apatient in ^bafflictions, for thou shalt have many; but ^cendure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the ^dend of thy days." D&C 24:8

I know this isn't one of those 'BIG' afflictions.  Not like losing someone you have been in this mortal life with.   I still have my husband and children to hold.  I am much more grateful that my 'hard' in life is just learning how to stay sane on this mortal journey.  I also know that it is OK to be sad even if  it doesn't feel as hard or as big as someone else's hard or big.  

So that is me right now. A little happy, a little sad, a little bit of a mess, a little more chill, and just a little bit ready to get past this moment in time and welcome a new little baby into the world.  This time, for keeps, OK?

Lessons I Learn as a Young, Mormon Mom 007

Disclaimer:  There is mention of blood and feminine related problems.  Be warned before you read on!  This is most definitely a TMI post.  

Lesson 7: Life is a miracle.  And it is to be cherished when successful, and mourned when lost.

The past 10 days have been the hardest ones of my life.  When I get to what happened you may have thoughts of confusion, perhaps you'll think it is silly.  How can this be the hardest, most distressing thing ever?  I promise that everyone who has been through what I have been through and worse, will understand. 

On May 18th, 2014 I began the process of miscarrying our 5th baby.  We hadn't announced that we were expecting, and weren't planning to until we found out what we were having, or until people just figured it out.  We were SO excited to be having another little one to add to the bunch.  We were starting to really settle into our little family life, and I finally figured out just how much joy there is in motherhood, enough so, that I finally began feeling fulfilled in my role.  All the while, my husband and I kept this wonderful news to ourselves, at least, we tried, but it would not matter.

I remember the thoughts I had as I started bleeding, I wanted so desperately for it to go back in where it belonged.  I didn't want this to be happening.  I knew what was happening, but I still prayed for a miracle.  I went to a midwife friend and she couldn't find a heart beat.  Spencer gave me a blessing, and it was vague but I was promised that my body would do what it needed to do. I went to a Dr. the next day and she did an ultrasound that confirmed that our little bean was no longer with us. No longer 'progressing' is what the doctors say.  And as much as I love how sensitive she was, it was all a matter of fact.  At least she did say it was a baby.  And our baby had stopped progressing around 9 or 10 weeks gestation.  I was supposed to be between 12 and 14, so there was cause for minor concern, but we weren't positive how far along I was either, so we decided to give my body time to do what it needed to do.  

Walking out of the Dr.'s office was the hardest 5 minutes of my life.  All I heard after the confirmation that I was indeed miscarrying was a version of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to me.  All I could think of was that sweet little baby that was no longer with me.  All the dreams and plans Spencer and I were making to welcome this sweet little one into our family.  We had been talking about it for 7 weeks at this point.  The morning before I started bleeding we were making plans of how to tell our kids.  We were deciding when and how to tell our friends and family.  We were deciding how the school year would go so we could take time to adjust to the new addition. We were discussing names.  We were dreaming about how much our kids would love being so close.  Spencer was proud, and I was too.  We were having another baby.  The excitement was overwhelming at times.  I am not sure why I was most excited this time around, perhaps it was because I finally felt like a mom.  I am finally enjoying this phase of my life for what it is, and no longer stressed about what it isn't.  My kids are everything to me.  And I finally understand that I am more than everything to them. At least, I understand it as far as my life experience allows.  

I called my mom on the way to the car.  I cried.  My baby had died, that is what it felt like to me.  I was a mess.  We took our kids over to my parents, and my dad gave me a hug, and I cried some more.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I lost our baby.  I couldn't believe some people actually do this on purpose.  Somehow the knowledge that some people electively terminate pregnancies made it difficult for me to acknowledge just how empty I felt.  Am I over-reacting? I was torn between, 'oh it's not that serious, you were only in your first trimester,' and 'you just lost your unborn child, your baby died, and it's ok to cry.'

Spencer and I went to dinner with our nearly 10 month old, Lacy.  And we ate crap, because we felt like crap.  I was so grateful he came to the Dr. with me (thanks to my mom for watching my kids).  I had needed him there.  He is amazing to stay by my side.  He loves our babies. He loved the one we lost.  He was sad too.  We know Heavenly Father is with us through these moments.  We have faith that this little spirit will still grace us with their presence.  Just not yet.  That doesn't take away the void, or the emptiness, or the uncertainty I feel at this moment.  That doesn't take away the pain of the loss we are carrying.  

When we picked up our kids I explained to our 5 year old, Alice, what had happened.  And she understood.  I was amazed.  Never underestimate the understanding of a child, or how their love can carry you through very difficult times.

The next day Spencer went to work, and I started cramping more.  And Alice, our 5 year old, continued to wrap her head around everything in her little mind.  Grandma took the two oldest with her for the afternoon, one of my best friends and her sister came to spend the afternoon and evening with me, and Spencer and I were able to get out of the house with his brother for a bit. It was a glorious distraction.  I needed it to prepare me for the next day. 

The next day Spencer decided to work from home.  That is when the real cramps and contractions hit.  It was horrible.  I felt like I was in labor but worse, because I knew there would be no baby, not because it hurt more.  Actually I compare it more to the after birth pains I felt after my 4th.  The ones I would get while I was nursing.  horrible.  painful.  I could've thrown up.  I started losing clots and bleeding quite a bit more. Then, around 5 pm, I lost so much of everything at once.  And the little tiny baby made it's way out of my body.  Perfectly preserved in the water sac.  And as I held this in my hand, I just lost part of my heart. I was amazed at what my body was in the process of doing, but sad that it had stopped doing it. I called Spencer up and we had a moment where we humbly accepted what had just happened.  He helped me get the bleeding under control and we carefully set our little baby aside.  We wanted to find a quiet moment to really understand what just happened. Impossible to have during dinner time.  So he helped me into the shower, and went back to our 4 littles and checked on me periodically.  I will admit, had I not been so involved with previous deliveries and aware of the amount of blood loss involved, I would have seriously panicked.  I was able to stay calm, and stay sharp.  Skills I learned from having 3 of my 4 without pain meds and one of them at home.  Awareness I gained from asking questions and learning all I could about this process.   

I would describe the bleeding and pain to be similar to that of having a baby, but not anywhere near the same.  I know later miscarriages are far worse.  What I experienced was more like an echo to childbirth.  Emotionally, it was terrible.  

Throughout this past week I have had amazing friends reach out and share their own experiences.  I have had so many acts of kindness performed.  Treats brought. Texts sent. And phone calls.  I haven't had much time to blame myself for anything.  

The Atonement is becoming so clear to me.  Christ is with me during these moments.  It is His love that will fill the void right now.  Only He can fully comfort me at this time (with the help of others of course), and only He knows exactly what I am going through.  

I have many things to be grateful for at this time.  I am grateful that I have 4 beautiful babies to help ease me through this loss.  I am grateful for a husband who fully appreciates how difficult this is for me. I am so grateful for the Gospel that teaches me that if I lose a child in this life, I will still have a chance to raise him/her when Christ comes again.  I am grateful that I am sealed to my husband and children for time and all eternity.  I know we will be together again, if not in this life, then in the next.  I am so in love with my little family.  I am ready for whatever The Lord has in store.  And I will hold my head up high.  I have Faith that what is meant to be, will come to pass.  God is with me through these trials, He is there to lift me up, and I need to let Him do His part.

So to anyone that has suffered loss. May we find peace amidst this trial.  May we feel the warm embrace of a Father in Heaven who is lifting us up to our feet.  May we find the strength to move forward. And along with all of this, it is OK, to mourn the loss, to cry, and to even be a little angry for a little while!

 "Not only does the Atonement of Jesus Christ overcome the effects of the Fall of Adam and make possible the remission of our individual sins and transgressions, but His Atonement also enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities. Most of us know that when we do things wrong and need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives, the Savior has made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. But do we also understand that the Atonement is for faithful men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully? I wonder if we fail to fully acknowledge this strengthening aspect of the Atonement in our lives and mistakenly believe we must carry our load all alone—through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with our obviously limited capacities.

  It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us—not only to guide but also to strengthen and heal us." - Elder David A. Bednar   (Read the whole talk HERE)

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 006

As a mother, there's hardly ever anything 'done’ 

You spend most of your days doing, doing, doing, and then sitting down after the whirlwind of the bedtime routing, staring at all there is left to do, with NO ENERGY left to get up and do it.

Cue Self- Doubt and Guilt here.  I can’t get it together, something is wrong with me, I yelled at my kids today, I’m a horrible mother, did I tell my kids I loved them, do they know this? Does my husband?  Oh ya, I’m a wife too… Don’t get me started on that guilt trip.

So being fed up with this nightly routine, I decided it was time to change.  

No more feeling like a failure!  Instead, repeat the mantra, “The more failures, the closer you are to success.”  Someone else said that, I am just not sure who, but that doesn’t matter.  I am a great mom, I am a great wife, and I will be the best me ever!

So I guess I need to accept the fact that nothing as a mother will ever feel ‘done.’ I will always be learning, teaching, growing, cleaning, driving, organizing, singing, playing, laughing, tickling, chasing, loving, reading, dancing, and finding more things to do with all that ’spare’ time I think I have.  

It is time to enjoy the ‘getting it done’ a little less and the ‘doing it’ a little more.  Being a mom is a forever thing.  I need to chillax more.  

Lessons I Learn as a Young, Mormon Mom 005

"I've tried" isn't and excuse for "so now I can give up”

So often I hear this, “Oh, I’ve tried everything and nothing works for me.”  

What is with this mentality??  I have tried all there is to try, I haven't succeeded, therefore, I am defective, so there is no point in trying anymore.  And, at 30 years old, will that lead us to a life worth living??  No wonder depression is such a HUGE issue in my generation.  Too many people think successful people are somehow lucky.  Well, let me nip that one for myself right here. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people, is they didn’t give up!  

I have a goal to stop yelling at my kids, my resolution is to go 365 days with yelling!  So far I have started over several times with the countdown, but in the last two weeks I have only lost it ONCE!!  That is HUGE for me!  There were a few close calls, but still!  My kids are aware that I am trying my best, and they are totally getting it.  My four year old said, “Mommy is going to be a nice mommy, and we need to be nice kids so she can stop yelling.”  WHAT?!  She said that!?  Where did she learn that??  All I told her is that I wanted to be a nice mommy and stop yelling. It is helping that my husband is doing this along with me, too.

Anyway, the point of that is just because something doesn’t workout AT FIRST, doesn’t mean I should just quit.  I need to give my mind a chance, give my body a chance, and let them catch up to my determination.   

I totally needed this reminder, because I have learned this lesson before…  DON’T GIVE UP!

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 004

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a seminar for women. It is called Time Out For Women. And I loved it!

My favorite lesson from the weekend was this:  

When God gives you trials, it is because he knows you are ready to grow.

It reminded me of the overload principle I learned when in school.

A training principle that states that in order for adaptation to occur, a greater than normal stress or load on the body is required for training adaptation to take place.^[1] This is done by increasing any parameter of fitness to make the muscles work harder than they are accustomed to (overload). ^[2][3] "For improvement and adaptation to occur the training should be at an intensity where the individual feels some kind of stress and discomfort." ^{[4] (http://athletics.wikia.com/wiki/Overload_Principle)}

It really is just like this!  Our spirits and our bodies are DIRECTLY related to one another.  We must nourish them both equally, and exercise them regularly to be prepared for what our lives have in store.  

And I must say, God must think me pretty buff, because I certainly feel myself lifting a lot these days.  

Being a mom of 4 is totally different than I imagined.  I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into this stage of my life, the being tired, having babies, not being able to accomplish everything I need to in one day part.  I would think about when our kids were a little older and we did fun things together.  Good thing I had no idea what I was getting myself into… lol!  Just kidding… I knew it would be hard, but you can never be prepared for exactly what type of hard it will be at any given time.  You just have to go through it.  

If I want to run a marathon, I have to RUN.  I can’t just build my leg muscles in other ways and expect to run a full marathon without actually running at all in the first place.  

Just like, I can read a bazillion books on parenting, but it will not prepare me for MY children until I put the books down and actually parent them.  God granted me stewardship over these precious spirits.  I have all the tools I need to raise them as HE would have me do.  Studying out of the scriptures, best books, and through the experience of others, will expose me to what those tools are and how to use them.

Life is hard.  Raising kids is harder… staying happily married while doing it is the hardest part.  But it IS possible! 

It is my goal to become who Father intended me to become.  My biggest struggle is letting go of the fact the world will never praise me for the amazing Daughter of God and mother of my children than I am.  I will never be rewarded in the ways of the world. The world sees me as JUST a stay at home mom.  According to them, I am insignificant and I am not making a difference in the world.  According to them, I will never help advance technology, and unless I can brag about the million OTHER things I busy myself with, being JUST a mom will never be enough.  

I feel this way when I am down…  like I should be able to do it all… I shouldn’t feel the need for a housekeeper… I am home all day, so why is my house a mess and why is writing this blog post taking me a week?!  My house should be spotless, my kids should always be clean, my husband should always see a smile on my face.  

Hogwash.

Being JUST a mom is crazy!  The kids make messes while you clean the other ones up, making, eating, and cleaning a meal takes so much longer than one thinks, and you have to do this 3-5 times BEFORE dinner, one kid is always waking up from a nap when the last one finally falls asleep, your husband is confused as to why you are so tired by the end of the day because the house sure holds no reflection of how you were literally on your feet all day and your kids have no idea why you yell at them for complaining about eating a dinner you had no desire to make in the first place, but did because you are their mom and are fully responsible for their nourishment.  You have difficulty sitting down for any period of time because you know there are things that need to get done, but it just feels so good to sit down and you are just so tired and the couch looks so comfortable… wait, gotta get back up….  as kids get older it’s soccer, dance, karate, gymnastics, school, field trips, piano, violin, guitar, football, track, theatre, fencing, and whatever else they dream of wanting.  All of your life is spent giving them the best life experience you can possibly afford.  The funny thing about it is, at least in my short experience as a mom, kids like to do fun things, but most of all, they just like to do fun things with their moms.  My favorite experiences all involve my mom. Whether it was jumping into her bed after a first date to tell her all about it, or taking a trip with her and my sisters.  Quality time is what keeps families together, families that stay together create solid individuals, solid individuals make a difference.  Those resigned to think that anything is more important than being JUST a mom, is mistaken.  That is the foundation for everything.  If you think you could exist any other way, you are wrong.  

After a week of feeling insecure that my job title is JUST Stay At Home Mom I had two good friends - unbeknownst to them- within days of each other, help me shift my paradigm.  (this won’t be the last time this happens, I’m sure)  Both of these women have had careers. They are both moms who became moms in their early 30’s.  One of them is pregnant for the second time.  She was explaining how when this baby is born she will quit her job… her reason is simply that she really loves being a mom and she has way more fun being a mom than working part time.  The other mom made her comment during that weekend at Time Out For Women.  The ladies in our group all stayed up talking Friday night, and a question was asked, something like “Aside from being a mom, what is your one big passion, that if you could do, you would do in a heartbeat?”  We all tried to answer, a couple people said they really never thought of anything else and really loved being moms. But then the other mom told of how she had already had a chance to experience grad school, and a career, and honestly, there is nothing greater to her than just being a mom.  

I realized that, since it is a big struggle for me to fully immerse myself in motherhood, that I need to put more faith and trust in God.  I think too much about all the ‘other’ things that define me.  Which is why I am always reminding myself that I am a mom, and even posting it all over the internet. Mostly because, being a mom is hard….  really hard.   

Which brings me back to this:

When God gives you trials, it is because he knows you are ready to grow. 

And such is life.

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 003

Focusing on the past is a lot like focusing on the negative, often pointless and there is nothing you can do to change it. So focus on the positive, you can always change your future.

Like everyone else, I have a past. And that past comes with quite the amount of emotional and mental baggage. Baggage that has affected several important aspects of my life. I don't care, nor do I need to divulge any details, but what is important to note is that it doesn't matter. 

My past has helped mold me into the person I am today, not because it happened, but because I chose how to let what happened affect me. 

Im a dweller. I dwell on things. I'm also a dreamer. Basically, I like to think a lot. Too much for my own good. And one weakness of mine is playing the 'What if' game. Not so much lately, but at sporadic times in my life I get caught in the snare of wishing things in my past were different. 

This struggle or weakness of mine has really helped me understand the enabling power of the Atonement. If I lay it before The Lord, He will turn this weakness into a strength. I just have to learn where to draw the line in my mind, and just as I can think too much on the negative, I need to overload my brain with the positive. 

Instead Of feeling guilty for all the things I could have done better in the past, I have made a plan and have set goals to be a better woman in the future. 

“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.” 
― J. Sidlow Baxter

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 002

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

-Helen Keller

CHARACTER IS BUILT SLOWLY, THROUGH MUCH TIME AND EFFORT.

Recently, I've undertaken the task of running a half marathon (13.1 miles.... All at once). Saturdays we have our long runs and there's always a we involved. And usually I'm physically exhausted the rest of the day. I'm fine the next day, after a full night's rest, but the day I run.... I literally cannot push myself.

This morning as we were running, we took a route that had no street lamps and it made the run feel much longer than it was... I kept thinking of this awesome parallel to life. How much easier life is when the way is lit, and how hard it is when it's not.  Then I thought of how much easier it seemed to be with friends. Especially during those dark times. I was taken back to all my awkwardness after baby number 3, when I felt avoided and thought less of because my struggles seemed to get the best of me. Perhaps I think of this time in my life so much because it was sort of a turning point for me. I learned what kind of friend I wanted to be. Running with those awesome ladies reminded me of this. During life's perilous and dark times it is better to have a loved one with you than be alone. 

The other parallel..... Since I'm training for a half, I'm constantly reminded of how slow I am. There is no way to cut corners in training without serious, physical ramifications. You really have to add mileage only one week or so at a time, and speed comes through constantly pushing yourself past your threshold. AND the key to improving is to take breaks/rest days to let your body heal from all the work. 

Parallel time. Character is built much the same way, as are patience, long suffering, faith, testimony and many other principles and self mastery.  In order to improve and grow we must literally engage in the action or principle of desired improvement. You're not gonna wake up one day and be able to just be an awesome person. (Unless you're me ;) it takes constant, diligent, slow effort and far more time than anyone has patience for. And growth comes once we've been pushed or push ourselves past our threshold and then take the time to reflect and ponder the lesson in our trials.

One thing I've learned is that change doesn't happen over night. Faith isn't acquired in a day. In order to build solid faith or character, built on correct principles, you have to live those principles.  You cannot expect to make it to the finish line if you're not even stepping in the right direction.

I'm always intrigued when people think that same actions can yield different results. If I want to look like a runner, I need to run. If I want to conquer a half marathon, I need to train. If I want my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to know I love them, I need to keep the commandments and love those around me. If I want to have good character I need to BE good. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. Time to start anew!
 

Lessons I Learn As A Young, Mormon Mom 001

This isn't the first lesson I've learned, but it is fresh right now, so it is the first one going on public record.

There is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.

In this life, the word perfect is a mere figment, an ideal, a mirage, if you will.  There is no way to find that balance and keep it.  We have a day here and there of what we WISH and HOPE daily life would look and feel like, but it is not the norm, although we claim it to be.

Does that mean I stop trying to attain that perfection of a well-balanced home and family?  No.  It just means I don't have to beat myself up if I don't get it right all the time.  

Today I read an article directed to Stay At Home Moms (SAHMs), and I felt so honored and empowered. I felt like JUST being a stay at home mom was really as amazing as I thought it was.  All over the internet you will find one article or another defending SAHM's, and a few defending career moms.  Insecure much? Most women are, no matter what they do.  Moms are just moms, we make choices every day. And a good mom is one who does what she and her husband think is best for their children.  There is no right or wrong, only good, better, best, and that will be different for everyone.

The other day, a friend commented about how they couldn't do what I do.  She needed her life to be as it was, there was no way she could have her kids as close as I did.  I thought a lot about that over the course of the following days.  What I came to was, you're right, there is no way you could do what I do, you're not me.

I never thought, in a million years that I would have kids this close, or this soon.  But we like to think of ourselves as a God-fearing parents, and when the Lord prompted, we listened.  During each pregnancy I had my fair share of doubts as to my adequacy as a mom.  But I also had faith that if the Lord wanted me to have this child, I would have and develop what it takes to nurture and raise them the way HE intended me to. After all, I am raising God's children, not just my own, and I have been allowed stewardship over these sweet spirits.

There isn't a single right way to be a woman, wife, mom, sister, daughter, grandmother, granddaughter or aunt. Whether that involves working outside the home (as a mother) or not, the point is, that I take pride in what I do, and do it to the best of my ability. Most of all, it is important that I do what the LORD would have me do, and for me that is staying at home with my children. Sure I am able to work at home, but my first priority is to my family, as it is for most working moms as well.  You see, being a mom is hard, no matter how you look at it.  Whether we stay at home or not, we are constantly held responsible for how the house runs.  The home is our domain, it is our territory, and we are the fortifiers of it.  It is a heavy task, but it is ours, and others can only help.  No matter how much society tries to force men into this role, it is against human nature, the husband's role is to equally help and take partnership, but it is my primary role.

I personally believe that while children are in the home, staying at home during their most malleable hours, days, and years is essential.  Does that mean everyone can do this? No.  However, I also believe in the Atonement of Christ.  In cases where the ideal cannot be met, Christ makes up the difference. Grace isn't just for judgement day.  It is for here and now.  We do our BEST and Christ makes up the rest.  There is this Enabling Power to the Atonement, it allows us to see past the world's opinions and zero in on the Lord's errands for us in this day and age, and enables us to fulfill His will for us, despite our obstacles or challenges.

Here and now, I am a young mom, and I will never be perfect.  I will never match everyone's opinion of what a mom SHOULD be.  I can only DO my BEST to be what the Lord intended for me to be.  For right now, that is JUST a Stay at Home Mom (which includes, but is certainly not limited to: Wife, Mother, Taxi Driver, Nurse, Fitness Coach, Chef, Story Time Reader, Teacher, Referee, Horse, Hero, Villain, Imaginator, Friend, Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, Aunt, Servant, Incubator, Butler, Housekeeper, Student, Grocery Shopper, Singer, Songwriter, CEO, COO, CFO... you get the picture, Trainer, Example, Project Manager, HR, and the list goes on...), and, I must say, I love my job!

Lacy Anne

I will write an awesome post on the family blog about her labor and delivery, but right now I'm just enjoying this sweet new addition to our family.  Miss Lacy finally decided to join us on July 25th, and I'm so glad she did :) 

We are so grateful there were no complications and we were able to go home the next day. I was sad that circumstances didn't allow us to have her at home, but grateful for the comforting power of the priesthood, the spirit, prayer and faith. 

Today I was recalling to Spencer how differently this new baby is being treated in comparison to our first. As chill as we tried to be as first time parents, we let popular opinion and beliefs on how to raise children cloud our instincts. With each new addition we stray further and further away from books and reviews and rely far more heavily on the spirit, scriptures and faith. 

I remember being so paranoid about getting it all wrong. I was worried I would ruin my children if I didn't follow the 'rules' in teaching them independence. We went from structured time of holding and bonding with our baby to pretty much wearing or holding our babies whenever they need/want (except at the stove or when it's not possible). We tried to structure how grandparents got involved, and now, the grandparent disruption from routine is now part of the routine.  We used to stress about the tiniest inconvenience to the nap and bedtime schedule, and now we are like, meh, whatevs. 

I remember reading about how we needed to detach our children ASAP to ensure their independence. I remember reading about how important it was for me to maintain my own identity. Which brings me to my ultimate realization, my babies ARE my identity. My passions and hobbies are all a PART of who I am, and I know there are things I need to be solely my own for sanity purposes, but as far as my identity crisis is concerned, it's over.

Because this right here, is who I am. 

Random Bed Rest Post....

So, if we are Facebook friends, you already know that I am stuck on bed rest. I had started a post over a week ago, before all of this started:

I am down to the end!  These are the most painful 6 weeks of the entire pregnancy.  But they all lead to one amazing thing... my baby!  I cannot wait to meet this little one!

I have been reflecting a LOT on what kind of mother I want to be these days.  I am anticipating quite a shift in energy levels once this baby comes.  But I am determined to do better at keeping it together.  And I will make it OK, this time, to have some hard days.  I am getting a bit nervous.  The last two pregnancies I have had a hard time with Post Partum Depression, but I think it is because of all the unnecessary pressure I put on myself to jump right back into 'normal.'  I know I will want that again this time, but I have slowly been shifting my 'normal' to be more of a constant state of flux (that's for those trekkies :).

As long as my main priorities as a wife and mother are met, I know we will be just fine through this transition.

I am constantly being reminded of what matters most.  I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be down the street from my best friend.  Best friends really do make a huge difference in a woman's life, especially mine.  Especially when you are going through the same stage of life at the same time.

I never finished that post, but little did I know that a week later I would start going into labor.  It was pretty scary, and, ironically, started with the last full moon on June 23rd...  coincidence? Maybe.  So for the next week and a half I am going through every herb and oil I can (not all of them are included in the picture), and I am really beginning to enjoy this wonderful view of my neighbors window... Oh well, pretty soon life will pick up again, and I will miss this quiet time.

When my labor initially started, I figured I needed to drink more water... so I was.  For the next two days I felt changes in my body that I wasn't particularly fond of... especially when the baby dropped.  Finally, on Wednesday I call my midwife. She comes, and checks, and puts my on modified bed rest.  Apparently, modified bed rest wasn't enough.  24 hours later, more progress, more contractions, and more stress led to plain old bed rest... I can't even take a shower but every 2-3 days. I can do nothing actually... And if you know me... I don't really make a habit of sitting still... ever.  This is beginning to be a true test of patience, one I never imagined going through.

My pregnancies are highly uneventful, aside from the excessive amounts of back pain due to some chronic lower back issues.  But even still, that isn't entirely uncommon.  So for my body to start going into labor early, threw me off!  I mean I know the month leading up to this was FAR more busy than it probably should have been, but I really did my best not to over do it.  So either I failed, or Lacy is proving to be a little pistol and wants to come at the world full force!

Whatever the reason for this experience, I am drawn to recognize the blessings in all of it.  I keep thinking back to when I was pregnant with Norah (my 2nd), and I started really diving into the world of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I wanted a clear understanding of what 'normal' really was according to a woman's body, not popular opinion or belief.  On this road I have come to some amazing conclusions that despite the joy of a pain free delivery, or one that is pushed along with synthetic hormones, my body is already equipped with everything it needs to bring this child into this world.  Heaven forbid I spend more than 24 hours in labor (as it stands now, I have already spent a week in labor... even if it hasn't hit that real 'active' labor as the medical industry likes to call it, since I am still under 6 cm).  The knowledge I have gained to this point has provided me with so much peace... and trust me I have been plenty afraid and panicked this past week...   I know this little one isn't ready yet!  I keep thinking about how if I was any other woman, I would have taken that fear I felt and checked into the hospital when I first started going into labor.  They would have probably sent me home, but with absolutely no tools, other than taking it easy, to slow my labor down. Actually, I don't even know that they would have even recommended I slow down or take it easy at this point anyway.  In TX, they won't stop labor after 32 weeks. Seeing as I am 35, they would have just let the baby come.  Anyway, the point is, that I know the risks, I know that now is not the time, and despite the fact that Dr's and hospitals can handle a preemie, I don't want a preemie.  I feel so blessed to have been drawn to all of the information that has helped me maintain a mindset to keep this baby IN to the best of my abilities.  And if she still decides to come, fine.  But at least I will KNOW, that I am doing everything in MY power to make sure she is the healthiest baby possible!

It is amazing how The Lord will expose us to the information we need for a trial or obstacle, before we will need it.  As long as we do what is right, and remain faithful, He will direct our path!  What a testimony builder for me that my Heavenly Father really does watch over and protect me and my children!  I feel confident that everything will work out, and that this baby will be a wonderful addition to our family!  I will be so excited when she comes, and I know that sitting here in absolute boredom will feel like a second compared to all the joy we will share when she is a part of our family!

Why Am I Healthy??

Why did I choose to change my lifestyle and be healthy??  Well, I might not go into the long list here, or maybe I will... it seems to keep growing....  But I finally put my mind to it because I wanted to be a fit and healthy wife and mom.  I won't lie and say vanity wasn't part of it at all.... when I thought I was going to throw up because the workout was SUPER intense, I would think about how I wanted people to look at all of my kids and then look at me and wonder to themselves if they all came out of my body.

But my main reasons were to have energy to handle all that life threw at me.  There is a certain stigma with stay at home moms, "you stay at home, so you should be able to take care of it all, I mean what else do you do all day?"  And I wanted to make sure I was doing everything I COULD so that when I got to the end of the day I still had energy to PLAY with my kids.

I see so many moms just exhausted and unhealthy and sick and tired ALL the time, and their kids are sick a lot too.  But having the energy to laugh and dance and play with your kids, not only improves YOUR health, but it improves theirs as well. It creates family bonds that cannot be broken and some awesome memories!

I imagine that if I play with my kids now, not only will I learn their awesome personalities and quirks, but they will learn mine too.  We will be best friends, and when they hit their teenage years, I won't regret not having spent more time with them when we had it.

I also want to have enough energy at the end of the day to spend time with my husband as his WIFE, not just the mother of his children.  I want to be able to engage with him like he needs me too, not just hit the floor in exhaustion every night.  That way, when I really am exhausted, I don't feel guilty and he doesn't feel deprived of his wife.  As a result, he plays a much bigger role helping with the kids, because he cares and sees that it is hard work.  He feels more inclined to help because he knows I am not lazy and I am doing everything in my power to do my best.  Likewise, when the house is a mess, he helps clean it! Because he sees that me playing with the kids is FAR more important than cleaning the house.  And strong family bonds are what we will carry with us through the years.

I want to be healthy so I know I have done everything in my power to fight cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and every other diet and lifestyle related illness.  So if that day were to ever come, and I were to have contracted some terminal illness, I KNOW it is the Lord's will, and that I didn't bring it on, or at least I didn't help or abet it in anyway.

I want to be healthy so that when I am a grandma, I can help my kids get through this most difficult stage of raising kids...  that I will actually be able to help my daughters and daughter in law adjust to motherhood.... that I will be able to have the energy to help them with those first all-nighters, whether it be on the phone as they cry wondering what they are doing wrong, or in person giving them a night to sleep and recover as I take over for the night.

I want to be healthy so that Spencer and I can go on missions when we grow up!  And I want to go somewhere AWESOME, and I can't do that if I am all medicated and falling apart!

Most of all, I want to be healthy, so that my family will be too, so I can really provide them the best life I possibly can.

And, so you see, this is why I reach out to so many people to help coach them to a healthier life.  I have found so much joy in embracing a healthier lifestyle.  And my family is so much closer, and so much happier because mama's happy!

Anyway, I don't believe in quick fixes or fad diets. I believe in eating FOOD, and being active! I believe in self-discipline, and taking action to get and stay healthy.  I believe only I am responsible for my success, and only I am to blame for my failures.  This isn't an easy life to start living, it has many hurdles and setbacks in the beginning, but in time, your body and mind are strengthened to the point that you can begin to cross them on your own.  It is my job to help people, well, coach people, through them in the beginning.

If anything, I know reminding myself of this only improves my desire to remain healthy.  But hopefully it will inspire other's to do the same!

"Better" is Relative

Everyone is sooo different when it comes to expectations.

The other day I stopped and pondered an important question for right now in my life, "What does 'better' look like to me?"

The family and I have officially hit survival mode for the remainder of the pregnancy and the subsequent 'post partum period of adjustment'....  so for the next 6-8 months, expectations really just need to take a back seat. From this end, that seems like a long time.... but looking back to the last time we did this, it will go by fast...  Or it will feel like it did when it is over.

Anyway, as we hit this stage of bringing littles into the world, Spencer and I really have to work hard to keep our heads above water.  Being home is helpful, but it's not a cure-all, catch-all.  In some ways, this time is harder, and others it is easier.  For me, it is harder in the sense that I KNOW this isn't the last time we are going to go through this.  It is easier because there are so many things for the kiddos to do to exhaust them into early bedtimes and daily naps or quiet times.  It is also easier being in much better shape this time around.

Today I had my 32/33 week midwife appt, and we scheduled our next visit and the home visit.  I got all the info to order my birthing kit... and I have 3 weeks left in which to get it all ordered to be here in time.

So, all in all, reality is setting in. I find myself really struggling to be OK with our current circumstances, and with the very natural state of my body and mind.  I know this will pass, so that should be what I tell myself in those moments of chaos... but I don't. I give myself such a hard time when it comes to not being able to get it all done.  Like, my family shouldn't suffer or take a back seat because pregnancy is taking it's toll!  I should be able to perform almost normally.  All that should change is the size of belly!  Not my emotions, not the state of my house (Finally had to hire some help on that one), not the ability my joints have to hold my body together, just my belly...  But I guess it is more fun this way.  Having everything you choose to do at this stage of pregnancy be completely determined by all things pregnancy related (do I really have what it takes to clean that mess? Do I really want to cook that meal since it takes longer than 20 minutes? Do I really want to take the kids to the park in 90 degree heat when I will have to be bending over picking up Declan every 5 minutes, or running to his rescue because he wants to run off the side of the play equipment? Can I even fit in the play equipment? And where is the nearest bathroom? Should I pack a snack? I digress...).

So back to the question.  What does 'better' look like to me?  Because I want to find how to make this stage of life better. Especially since this isn't the last time we've gotta get through this.  And if I can find a solution to this stage, I can apply it to everything and every other stage of life.

Some ideas I had come up with were pretty awesome! But then it came down to just a few simple things:

Read
Pray
Go To Church

Read my scriptures on my own, with my family, and with Spencer.

Pray morning, midday, and night. Over my meals, for my sanity, for my children, family, and for my husband. (the order might be a little skewed according to my current situation)

Go to church every week ready to learn! Attend any uplifting meetings that are available to me.  And find people to serve, so I can get out of my own head, and do some good in the world.

The other things I thought of, to name a few, were: go to the pool, go to Sea World, go to story time, do crafts, organize a moms night out... but honestly, they take a lot more effort, and provide a smaller return on investment... Except the moms night out... not sure you can find a better group of ladies than the wonderful friends I have made here! But when I look at the big picture... what is the BEST way to combat the ever changing ebbs and flows?  Keeping the Lord as my foundation in life.

One final thought that summed this all up for me: Sometimes Heavenly  Father calms the storm, but sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms us. 

Memorial Day

I think this is the first Memorial Day I have spent with a wounded soldier.  It is creating new meaning.  I am so grateful for Jeremy, and his sacrifice.  Because of him, my brother-in-law was able to come home alive to my sister, and over 25 other men's lives were spared.   He almost lost his life.  Last summer he was nearing the end of his tour in Afghanistan, he had just a couple weeks left before he came home... for reasons only our Heavenly Father can explain, he had all of his protective gear on and was headed out of their little compound to speak to another soldier about a possible shift change.   It was then that a rogue Afghani soldier was headed their direction.  He had his gun.... an automatic rifle that shot 200 rounds per minute.  Jeremy and this soldier locked eyes. Jeremy knew his intentions.  He didn't even have a moment to pull up his weapon before he was disabled and on the ground.  He was shot 12 times in a matter of seconds and suffered 20 or so bullet wounds (some of which are STILL healing).  This soldier decided not to finish his job, turned around, and ran. Several other soldiers were shot as well, but Jeremy took the brunt of it.  I am so grateful to the soldiers, including my brother-in-law, who kept him alive and literally saved his life.  He is such a great person.  My kids love him, and Alice is always talking about him to other people, an how "he got shot from the bad guys".  Little does she know now, that his sacrifice has brought so many blessings.  Jeremy is a fighter.  He has been such an example of selflessness to me.  He is remarkably humble, and wants so badly to be a husband and father.  He loves my kids and they love him. Well, we all love Jeremy!

Have a Great Memorial Day! And let us take a moment to remember what it is all about!

Letting Go...

Sometimes it is time to just let go of any awkward, unresolved feelings.  Lately, as I have had my 'not so proud' moments, I find that I punish myself by reminding myself of all of my failures as a wife, mom and friend.

Tonight, I am making a better effort to just let it go. To forgive my shortcomings. To continue on my path to being a positive and uplifting influence in the lives of those around me.  I am not perfect. I struggle with this every day, but I will figure this out!

My current goal is to stop yelling... like ever.  I never want to raise my voice again. (check out that awesome link!) I want to be as quiet in my discipline as I possibly can.  Without the TV, the noise level has significantly decreased, and I want to keep it that way.  We feel that for our family, getting rid of the outside noise is a key component to inviting the Spirit into our home. 

"Doing all we can to invite the gentle, guiding influence of the Holy Ghost into our lives is critical in our attempts to center our homes on the Savior. Acting obediently on those promptings strengthens us even more.

Greater peace will come as you couple your efforts to be obedient with serving those around you. So many individuals who have what they perceive to be meager talents humbly and generously use those talents to bless the lives of those around them. Selfishness is the root of great evil. The antidote for that evil is exemplified in the life of the Savior. He shows us how to focus our lives outward in unselfish service to others.

I have learned a truth that has been repeated so frequently in my life that I have come to know it as an absolute law. It defines the way obedience and service relate to the power of God. When we obey the commandments of the Lord and serve His children unselfishly, the natural consequence is power from God—power to do more than we can do by ourselves. Our insights, our talents, our abilities are expanded because we receive strength and power from the Lord. His power is a fundamental component to establishing a home filled with peace." Elder Richard G Scott "For Peace at Home"

Laundry

Don't you just strongly dislike when you fall behind on the laundry? 

I try so hard to get in the habit of doing one load a day... As our family grows this is becoming increasingly important yet difficult to achieve. 

So it is, that keeping up with the laundry is the perfect metaphor for my life right now. 

So much of my sanity comes from consistency in the little things. Scripture study, prayers morning and night, journaling, exercise, husband time, play time with the babies, small and simple acts of kindness and service are among the things that if I do them daily I can maintain a positive spirit in our home.

Now.... Do I do these things?! ....sometimes.... What is the result of this??? Not sanity I can assure you... Try narcissistic, neurotic, borderline bipolar.... Etc. 

This. Must. Change. And it starts with me! 

Now, back to the laundry. One load at a time. 

The Temple, Texas Thunderstorms and the Third Trimester!

I finally had an opportunity to attend the San Antonio LDS Temple since being back home.  It seems that this is the longest I had been without attending since I first received my recommend.  It was truly a testimony builder for me.  Not only have I been trying to go for quite some time, but when I finally hit the road to actually go, one of the biggest accidents EVER had to take place in my path. Making me miss the session I was to attend, and I still haven't found out all of the details to see if everyone was ok in the accident.... I had left the house with AMPLE time for an accident, but, apparently, not one of this nature. It took me an hour to go less than 8 miles....  an hour. And the temple is 16 miles from our house. 

After a while of being in this traffic I finally call Spencer to see what is going on and where the traffic stops.  Come to find out they are completely directing traffic off the highway because of the accident...  There is no way around it at this point. I am stuck.  So, naturally, being as pregnant as I am, I begin to cry.  I felt so defeated.  I needed to be in that particular session because Spencer and I had a phone conference that evening.  But there was absolutely no way I was going to make it in time for the temple session.  I had prepared as much as possible. The stress level was high when I left because of the upcoming phone meeting and a few other big things happening all at once... cuz that's how we roll, we are overly ambitious I guess...  Anyway, I was just very overwhelmed with the desire to be at the temple and feeling like it was once again being stripped from my grasp.  Spencer sympathized a great deal and we decided that it would be best if I skipped the meeting to go to the later session.  Everything seemed to be coming together...  I was even able to make it in time to grab a nice quiet bite to eat before the session... It turned out better than I had expected.  I truly enjoyed that time to myself, I was able to relax and take the night to myself.  It went from RUSHED to RELAXED in a matter of minutes. And even though it seemed things fell apart since I was home much later, it all ended up working itself out. 

Being able to sit in the temple was amazing.  I was able to pass by the room we were married in 5 years ago, and it flooded my emotions. I was able to visit the room we waited in for an hour while our guests arrived. And the wife of the man who sealed us for time and all eternity was working/volunteering at the temple during my particular session.  I was reminded of that awesome day that changed my life forever. I loved every minute of it.  I love Spencer, and I love that I get to spend forever with him.  We are best friends, and we make really really cute kids.

Today was awesome too.  Amidst the stress of trying to finalize a couple big things, we were able to finally sit back for a moment this evening with our little family and enjoy a nice Texas thunderstorm!  One thing I missed terribly when I lived in Utah was a Texas thunderstorm.  Every time I came to visit I prayed we would get one! They have always had the most calming effect on my soul.  Seriously.  Spencer laughed when he found out.  I am usually watching the clock and making sure things get done as close to routinely as possible...  but when that storm hit, we just sat on the porch and enjoyed it.  And I loved watching Declan experience rain for the first time ever.  He loved it!

Norah and Declan are putting their feet where the rain is falling off the porch.

 Norah is pretty proud of the fact that she is SOAKED!

 Here is Alice soaking in the storm. She was nervous about the first storm she experience a couple weeks ago, but once we explained that lightening is nothing to be afraid of, she has grown to enjoy the storms as much as I have!

 Enjoying the storm on their camp chairs!

 Trying to get their feet wet.

And lastly, on Wednesday a fun pregnancy milestone crept up on me. I am officially in my 3rd trimester.  I can't believe how fast this has gone.  We weren't exactly planning this little one to come quite as soon as she is, but I am so glad it is happening this way. It has been the source of every decision that we made since we got here.  And has been such a great source of strength to our marriage and family.

We had been having promptings for a little while before we decided to let nature take its course. I remember just pleading with the Lord for the strength I needed to bring this baby into the world.  I needed to feel at peace and to be in a place I was comfortable.  And I was trying so hard to let Utah be that place...  I was trying so hard to be OK with it.  I felt almost like a failure when I admitted that I just needed to come home to embrace this task the Lord had placed before me... to be a YOUNG mother, to YOUNG children, all CLOSE in age.  In my mind I kept saying, "If this is what I need to do, I really need to go home or feel like this is home and be able to get over my differences with the dynamic here." (And then Spencer got the job in San Antonio. And now I get to live down the street from my best friend, which is AWESOME!  I mean we used to skype, but that just isn't the same.  Not even close. More on that in another post.)

Anyway, I am so grateful for the fact that my only 'complications' during pregnancy are extreme pain.  It kind of gears me up for labor actually...  I am grateful that my sweet babies all seem to understand that Lacy Anne will be coming and they are excited about it. We are all planning out the birth and learning what will take place. Alice is especially excited that she gets to be here.  She is wise beyond her years. She understands so much more than I thought she would.  Except that this baby is actually going to be mine and not hers... still working on that one.

Life is so full right now.  We have so many choices.  Sometimes it is more than we think we can handle, but one thing is for sure...  as long as we are doing what is right, we will always be blessed, whether we see it or not, the Lord is always on our side when we are on His.


And on another note: I LOVE that we do not have a TV!  More on that later, but it is the best thing we have ever done. Yes, we have Netflix days, but it is not the center of any room in our home, and it's great.  I love it!

Improve the Shining Moments

Sometimes a hymn says it all!

Improve the Shining Moments

1. Improve the shining moments;
Don't let them pass you by.
Work while the sun is radiant;
Work, for the night draws nigh.
We cannot bid the sunbeams
To lengthen out their stay,
Nor can we ask the shadow
To ever stay away.

2. Time flies on wings of lightning;
We cannot call it back.
It comes, then passes forward
Along its onward track.
And if we are not mindful,
The chance will fade away,
For life is quick in passing.
'Tis as a single day.

3. As wintertime doth follow
The pleasant summer days,
So may our joys all vanish
And pass far from our gaze.
Then should we not endeavor
Each day some point to gain,
That we may here be useful
And ev'ry wrong disdain?

4. Improve each shining moment.
In this you are secure,
For promptness bringeth safety
And blessings rich and pure.
Let prudence guide your actions;
Be honest in your heart;
And God will love and bless you
And help to you impart.

Text and music: Robert B. Baird, 1855-1916


As I read these verses, I couldn't help but realize that this is exactly what I have been trying to teach myself lately.

The first verse reminds me to take advantage of the good times, and to work hard and be productive. Trial will surely come, there's no avoiding it.

The second verse, time flies! It will come whether we are prepared for it or not. And there is no going back.

The third verse, well, I'm not a poet, so I may be wrong, but I read it as a way to treat life when it seems like you are just hopelessly in the middle of great trial. When the good times seems so far away that it is hard to be positive. Instead of wallowing, make an effort each day to serve and be useful, and put your wrongs beneath you.... Or just let it all go, in other words. This life is not supposed to be fair, and nobody is perfect... No matter what injustices you have endured, let it go.

And lastly, the fourth verse, great blessings come as we are proactive in improving the shining moments. As we strive to be quick to serve and do the Lord's will, we will protected from the adversary. I read it as more of a challenge.... Like, don't think your way out of selfless service, be quick and prompt to obey and serve. Don't think about how much is going on in your life when the opportunity to serve presents itself, be prompt, and in turn, help will come to you as well. Such is the philosophy, two people can accomplish much more than twice as much as one person can on their own. And, not to mention, all the rich and pure blessings that will come through this kind of service.

I so needed this reminder!

Here are three reasons why:

Blessings

Today was kind of an emotional roller coaster. Half of it I was calm and half I was overwhelmed by the list of things that didn't get done. I decided to end it as calm though.

Who cares about that silly list anyway. Sheesh.

The List has ruined my ability to just relax. Or maybe it's the nesting... Either way it's ridiculous.

My house is not clean, but it's not messy. That needs to be OK and not distracting from what matters.

Like playing Lost in the Woods (hide and seek) with the kids. Or getting them to bed before 7:30 so Spencer and I could spend an evening in. Or just snuggling and watching a movie instead of doing chores.

Anyway, during all of this I was reminded of just how blessed we are. We have gone through so many changes and still we come out on top. We work hard, and do what The Lord asks, and are greatly blessed, not without trial, but with tons of hope for the future.

We have been extremely blessed as a result of our diet changes and how we bring our babies into this world when prompted. So many things guided us to these changes, and I know for a fact that I would not be capable of being productive with my kids while pregnant if my nutrition was terrible. It's like, God knew this, so he placed people and information in my path for the sole purpose if making my body the proper vessel for bringing forth His spirit children into this world. He also knew that it would improve Spencer's mind, such that he would become more valuable in his field and get us to where we needed to be to raise our family... With the most sanity possible.

Through all of this I have learned, God really cares about His children. Including those yet to come. I feel like an instrument. Like all these blessings are here because he cares about the child I'm carrying as much as he cares about me.

One of those days...

You know those days where in the middle you wish you could just quickly go back to bed and start over? Ya, it was one of those days.

I'm so glad my children are still so young and forgiving! I'm glad my husband and I are open enough to just accept when it was a bad day and recognize when to just let it go and move on. And I'm glad I have great friends that I can talk to! Friends that don't think less of me, nor see my shortcomings as a definition of my character. Who understand that I really am just having one of those 'trying to balance life' kind of days. And who listen with love and offer such great words of advice and understanding.

I'm trying so hard to be positive these days, despite my best efforts I feel like I have an internal meltdown just about every week. I want so badly to just have it together, to be so calm and collected, to be the 'adult' in my relationship with my children. Let's face it. As much as I want that to be normal, so many days I'm fighting so hard just get a glimpse of it! But when I do get one of those days... The days where kids are well fed and well slept, who play together and make me laugh, when the house is clean and meals are cooked and I even get that one quiet moment to read or take a quick nap... I appreciate it that much more. I'm ok with the fact that I strive for that to be my 'normal.' And I'm ok with how much effort it seems to take! Because, despite how I see it right now, days like today happen few and far in between. But days like that, the good ones, happen much more often than I realize. Like tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a day like that. It will be.

Healthy and Fit for LIFE

These past couple of months I have put more effort into motivating others to get healthy. I don't just motivate random people, these are people I've spoken with and have asked to be a part of my small support/challenge groups. I'm so excited this is a part of my life! I know how much support and encouragement I needed, and I love paying it forward!

Health and Fitness are two of my passions, and I was always afraid to talk about it. For fear of offense or criticism. But this is a way to really help people! I love hearing how jeans that didn't fit for years fit after just a few days and/or begin to fall off altogether! I love seeing the change in confidence! I love seeing how an entire marriage or family changes because the mama is regaining control of her health and improving her mood and stamina in the process! A LOT of people come to me for advice, and only a few commit to a challenge. But the ones who do, make it worth all the time and effort I put into my challenge groups! Seeing others create happier, healthier, more fulfilling lives is the best job ever. Second, of course, to being wife and mom to my own sweet family!

I love what I do!!